Isn't it great that we have feelings? Think of how different life would be if we didn't have feelings. That's what has been on my mind lately. I'll be honest at times I wish I didn't have feelings. I have this problem where I wear my heart on my sleeve as my mother would say and I have a really hard time hiding my emotions. The inability to hide your emotions does you no good when your feelings are all over the map and you want the world to think things are good even when they aren't. Seriously, I think I could be the poster child for emotional dysfunction. One minute I'm doing fine the next I'm bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes later I'm in a panic attack and then I'm back to somewhat normal.( and for me normal is relative) These events are what I call my emotional roller coaster. I've been on one of my emotional roller coasters now for quite some time and quite frankly I'm getting motion sickness.
But right now my emotional roller coaster has a new car on it and that is the overwhelming feelings of gratitude. It has become quite evident to me in the last year and a half that even when everything is in the tanker and you feel like you just keep getting hit with stuff over and over again, the hand of our Heavenly Father is right there to show you the good stuff if you just open your eyes and look.
Since Christmas I have had so many people come up to me and say, well it's been over a year everything is OK now right? Seriously, people actually say that and I remember people telling me once you get past the first of everything it's so much easier. Take if from me, please don't ever tell someone who is grieving that everything should be better or will get better. I know you mean well but when it doesn't happen like that you think something is wrong with you. At least that is the case with me. Things are not better. If anything it's worse. The first year you are numb. It all doesn't seem real, then the numbness wears off and the reality sets in and smacks you right between the eyes. This Christmas was worse for me than last Christmas and I know it was for Paul and Morgan too. The hole is still there and sometimes it feels like alcohol has been poured on my torn heart and the pain is unbearable. In those days it's easy to give in to the sorrow and the I'll never's. It's easy to let all the stuff that gets dumped on you become so much more than it is.
That's what I have been going through lately and it seems like this is an ongoing issue for me. I'm working so hard but sometimes it's just super hard. On a particularly tough day I had one of my many duh moments when I think Heavenly Father smacks me on the back of the head. As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I am. I was filled with so much gratitude. Even though I still felt sad and blue I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me. At that moment I decided to think about all I was grateful for. Here are a few from my list. My family is healthy, We all love each other and get along. We are working, We have a nice home to live in, We live in a beautiful neighborhood full of people who are so good and kind. I have an amazing family who is always there for us. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I have a personal relationship with my Savior. I have a strong testimony that helps me everyday. I have some really wonderful people in my life who even though I've become antisocial still text me and check in with me and don't care if I don't want to do anything they just want to be my friend. I've got people who care enough about me and my family to pray for us. But the biggest gratitude I have right now is that my family is ETERNAL and that even though it hurts and I have all those I'll never's, I know that my family will be together again and for that I am so very grateful. The other biggy on my list was I know that my Savior understands my emotional roller coaster. I'm not in this alone. My Savior and your Savior took upon himself all of it. He gets it and because of him I don't feel so alone. My list went on and each day since I have once again made it a point to find things to be grateful for. It's easy to forget to be grateful and I know that my blog seems to be filled with me trying to be grateful but I have found that the only way out of the muck and the mire is to be GRATEFUL and if I continually blog about gratitude it might sink into my wee little brain and my blog can evolve. But right now my healing process needs gratitude.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Self Confidence - I need some
It's been quite a few weeks since I last posted on my blog. I could blame it on the holidays and how busy they are, or just on how busy life can get, but the real reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything of great worth to say. I read blogs from others and find that my thoughts are random, I'm not eloquent with words and I get scared that what I'm thinking about doesn't come out right and those who read my blog will think I'm a loser. So in a nutshell, I lack self confidence. I always have. I wish I could say that it gets better with age and experiences, but it doesn't. I've been trying forever to build my self confidence, but alas it is still not that great.
I've always found it quite interesting as to how people get their self confidence. Is it something you are born with or is it something you learn? I teach primary in my LDS ward and it amazes me when I sit and watch these young children and even at their young tender age there are those who just radiate with confidence. How did they get it? I'm so jealous! :-)
I've often wondered exactly how we got our different talents and abilities. I know that Heavenly Father has blessed each of us with unique talents and abilities and it is up to us to grow and develop those talents, but how did He decide who was to get what. I always joke that there were lines in Heaven where we could get different character traits and talents and that I didn't have the patience to stand in line so I just got a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I thought shazam I'm ready to go when in all actuality I needed to show patience and wait in those lines and get the most out of all of the traits and talents that I could. I'm pretty sure that isn't how it was, but it does make you think.
I started this blog as a way for me to put myself out there, to write about my feelings whatever they may be and to help me as I try to process all that life throws at me and my family but I haven't been brave enough to let my family and friends read this. My daughter is the only one who knows about this blog. She is my one follower. She is the one who helped me get started and she and my hubby are the ones that I find I seek the most approval from. I want to make them proud and I don't want to embarrass them. (see there it is again my lack of self confidence.) I shouldn't worry about what others think. I should be strong and brave and just throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I need to have faith that I am good enough,
So here it goes. I'm putting this out there for all my harshest critics to read. This is me folks. So as you read my past posts (if you choose to) and my posts (if for nothing more than a good laugh at my inabilities) in the future, try to remember that I'm just a simple gal who is trying to do the best she can. I don't have all the answers, I'm not clever, or witty, I'm not even a good writer. All I know is that I am who I am. I'm growing and learning and trying new things (like blogging) and hopefully along this journey I become a better more confident me.
I've had a lot to be grateful for in the last few weeks. I survived the holidays (yeah me!), I've been blessed with amazing friends and family who went out of their way over the holidays to make sure that we were not alone. I've had tender mercies from my Heavenly Father in abundance. so even though life is hard and the journey is long. I am blessed and grateful.
Here's to a new year and quite possibly maybe even a little bit of a new me. Go TEAM!
I've always found it quite interesting as to how people get their self confidence. Is it something you are born with or is it something you learn? I teach primary in my LDS ward and it amazes me when I sit and watch these young children and even at their young tender age there are those who just radiate with confidence. How did they get it? I'm so jealous! :-)
I've often wondered exactly how we got our different talents and abilities. I know that Heavenly Father has blessed each of us with unique talents and abilities and it is up to us to grow and develop those talents, but how did He decide who was to get what. I always joke that there were lines in Heaven where we could get different character traits and talents and that I didn't have the patience to stand in line so I just got a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I thought shazam I'm ready to go when in all actuality I needed to show patience and wait in those lines and get the most out of all of the traits and talents that I could. I'm pretty sure that isn't how it was, but it does make you think.
I started this blog as a way for me to put myself out there, to write about my feelings whatever they may be and to help me as I try to process all that life throws at me and my family but I haven't been brave enough to let my family and friends read this. My daughter is the only one who knows about this blog. She is my one follower. She is the one who helped me get started and she and my hubby are the ones that I find I seek the most approval from. I want to make them proud and I don't want to embarrass them. (see there it is again my lack of self confidence.) I shouldn't worry about what others think. I should be strong and brave and just throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I need to have faith that I am good enough,
So here it goes. I'm putting this out there for all my harshest critics to read. This is me folks. So as you read my past posts (if you choose to) and my posts (if for nothing more than a good laugh at my inabilities) in the future, try to remember that I'm just a simple gal who is trying to do the best she can. I don't have all the answers, I'm not clever, or witty, I'm not even a good writer. All I know is that I am who I am. I'm growing and learning and trying new things (like blogging) and hopefully along this journey I become a better more confident me.
I've had a lot to be grateful for in the last few weeks. I survived the holidays (yeah me!), I've been blessed with amazing friends and family who went out of their way over the holidays to make sure that we were not alone. I've had tender mercies from my Heavenly Father in abundance. so even though life is hard and the journey is long. I am blessed and grateful.
Here's to a new year and quite possibly maybe even a little bit of a new me. Go TEAM!
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Lost in the Darkness
I've been trying to come up with something profound to write about and since it's been a number of weeks since I posted to this blog, it's pretty obvious that nothing profound has happened.
The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights. I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay. Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.
This morning I woke up in a very dark place. It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface. I feel so out of control. I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough. My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess. On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life. There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle. I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming. I can't focus. Welcome to my life - Life without focus. Life in a mess! That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.
I'm lucky enough to have great support. I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter. I know that they are there for me and that they understand. Even when I don't even know if I understand. I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge. Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there. He told me that I'm OK. That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down. He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us. He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved. He understands our life. He feels the same way I do. He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface. He feels as overwhelmed as I do. Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better. Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them. It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.
I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood. In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude. I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come. But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.
So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness. I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father. I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore. I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days. I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos. And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic. I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!
The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights. I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay. Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.
This morning I woke up in a very dark place. It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface. I feel so out of control. I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough. My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess. On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life. There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle. I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming. I can't focus. Welcome to my life - Life without focus. Life in a mess! That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.
I'm lucky enough to have great support. I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter. I know that they are there for me and that they understand. Even when I don't even know if I understand. I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge. Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there. He told me that I'm OK. That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down. He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us. He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved. He understands our life. He feels the same way I do. He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface. He feels as overwhelmed as I do. Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better. Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them. It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.
I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood. In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude. I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come. But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.
So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness. I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father. I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore. I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days. I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos. And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic. I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Witches Night with the Ladies
It's October and that means a few things to most people. First it's fall, the leaves are changing the air is crisp and I must say to me this time of year is heaven. I took a ride up the canyon last week and as I was driving up I was so drawn to the colors and the thought came to mind. When I get to Heaven, this will be my paradise. There is something about all the fall colors that just make me feel warm and hugged. When I think about it, it seems to me that Heavenly Father planned this time of year. He wanted all of us to be warmed by the colors of fall to feel natures hug to us before the cold of winter comes.
Second it's Halloween and with Halloween comes Witches Night at Gardner Village. For those of you who don't know what Witches Night is, let me paint you the picture. Gardner Village is an old mill in West Jordan and around the mill they have brought in and restored old houses, buildings and barns that date back to the pioneer times. In each of these building there are shops. During the Halloween season Gardner Village decorates with lights and animated witches decked out in fun attire and doing all sorts of antics. They are placed throughout the village. On two weekends in October they host Witches Night. During this time ladies and a few brave men dress up in witch costumes and walk around the village shopping and cackling. There is also a DJ and fun music is heard from all over the village. Basically it's a time for ladies to dress up, pretend and have fun.
Going to Witches Night has turned into a tradition for our family. It's a time for Morgan and I to go and have fun with Paul's cousins and occasionally we can convince a friend to join us. It's a time where Morgan and I can laugh and dance and act crazy (not that we don't normally act crazy, but here nobody stares at us like we are nut cases). I look forward to this special day with Morgan. Just like I do with Swiss Days in September. These are special times for us. Memory making times. This year Morgan wasn't able to go she had to work (being a responsible adult does have its drawbacks) and I have to admit it just wasn't the same. The music was still there. There was still dancing and people dressed up in amazing costumes, but without Morgan the fun just wasn't as much fun. I tried to let loose and have a good time, but I just couldn't. I'd see something and turn to Morgan to tell her about it or share an experience with her and then realize, Duh she isn't here. I tried to text her pictures but I knew that would just make the fact that she had to work that much more difficult so I stopped. As I was walking around the village I had the realization that when Morgan goes away to school I'm really going to be alone. Hopefully she will be able to tear herself away from all of the goings on of college and work and be able to come and spend witches night with me. But the reality is, we never know where life will take us. I love that Morgan is an adult, but I miss the days when she was younger and we could plan out life without worrying about work and school. But such is life. Sometimes you just have to face the reality that we have to grow up and sometimes we have to be alone.
This week I am grateful for FALL! I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's color hug. I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Morgan. I'm grateful that we are close and enjoy spending time together. I'm grateful she is mine!
Second it's Halloween and with Halloween comes Witches Night at Gardner Village. For those of you who don't know what Witches Night is, let me paint you the picture. Gardner Village is an old mill in West Jordan and around the mill they have brought in and restored old houses, buildings and barns that date back to the pioneer times. In each of these building there are shops. During the Halloween season Gardner Village decorates with lights and animated witches decked out in fun attire and doing all sorts of antics. They are placed throughout the village. On two weekends in October they host Witches Night. During this time ladies and a few brave men dress up in witch costumes and walk around the village shopping and cackling. There is also a DJ and fun music is heard from all over the village. Basically it's a time for ladies to dress up, pretend and have fun.
Going to Witches Night has turned into a tradition for our family. It's a time for Morgan and I to go and have fun with Paul's cousins and occasionally we can convince a friend to join us. It's a time where Morgan and I can laugh and dance and act crazy (not that we don't normally act crazy, but here nobody stares at us like we are nut cases). I look forward to this special day with Morgan. Just like I do with Swiss Days in September. These are special times for us. Memory making times. This year Morgan wasn't able to go she had to work (being a responsible adult does have its drawbacks) and I have to admit it just wasn't the same. The music was still there. There was still dancing and people dressed up in amazing costumes, but without Morgan the fun just wasn't as much fun. I tried to let loose and have a good time, but I just couldn't. I'd see something and turn to Morgan to tell her about it or share an experience with her and then realize, Duh she isn't here. I tried to text her pictures but I knew that would just make the fact that she had to work that much more difficult so I stopped. As I was walking around the village I had the realization that when Morgan goes away to school I'm really going to be alone. Hopefully she will be able to tear herself away from all of the goings on of college and work and be able to come and spend witches night with me. But the reality is, we never know where life will take us. I love that Morgan is an adult, but I miss the days when she was younger and we could plan out life without worrying about work and school. But such is life. Sometimes you just have to face the reality that we have to grow up and sometimes we have to be alone.
This week I am grateful for FALL! I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's color hug. I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Morgan. I'm grateful that we are close and enjoy spending time together. I'm grateful she is mine!
I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!
Our group was small this year. Becky, Lisa, Erica and Gerilee
Yummmm
Erica with some voodoo witches
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Smoke and Mirrors
I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days. I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year. This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died. I told this person it was OK and thought we were good. Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it. I didn't even know how to respond. I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt. "Over it" you have got to be kidding me? I'm not over it. I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died. I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him! My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.
I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did. It hurt. It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting. I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.
So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference. Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is. It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition. If I did that no one would want to be around me. So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there. In fact that is what all three of us are doing. We hurt, each and every day we hurt. We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel. We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely. We just hide it behind our masks.
Also, please understand that we have triggers too. We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding. You remember happy times, or sad times. Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in. Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in. When that happens please keep loving us. Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us. We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.
This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same. I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure. I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD! I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.
I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did. It hurt. It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting. I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.
So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference. Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is. It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition. If I did that no one would want to be around me. So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there. In fact that is what all three of us are doing. We hurt, each and every day we hurt. We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel. We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely. We just hide it behind our masks.
Also, please understand that we have triggers too. We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding. You remember happy times, or sad times. Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in. Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in. When that happens please keep loving us. Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us. We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.
This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same. I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure. I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD! I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My Tank Is Empty
I don't know why and I don't know how. But I can in all honesty say that my "you can make it through this" tank is empty.
Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK. We spent the weekend at our friends cabin. The room was filled with dear friends and family. There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty. So many memories are tied to their cabin. We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories. Sweet memories of times with Taylor. Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies. Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun. Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.
Now we are home I still just feel empty. I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday. Taylor on the other hand, not so much. All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel. All I've done for three days is cry. I need my tank filled. I know that I should be grateful. Like I said things are going pretty good. But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.
I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on. I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.
Pray for me please. I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me. THANK YOU!
This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.
Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK. We spent the weekend at our friends cabin. The room was filled with dear friends and family. There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty. So many memories are tied to their cabin. We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories. Sweet memories of times with Taylor. Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies. Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun. Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.
Now we are home I still just feel empty. I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday. Taylor on the other hand, not so much. All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel. All I've done for three days is cry. I need my tank filled. I know that I should be grateful. Like I said things are going pretty good. But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.
I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on. I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.
Pray for me please. I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me. THANK YOU!
This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.
Friday, September 5, 2014
A Mother's Work
When you become a mother your whole world changes. Life is no longer about making you happy or doing what you want to do. Life is all about your children. From the moment you find out your are having a baby your whole life changes. You see things differently. Your whole life is about protecting, caring, nurturing, teaching and worrying about your children. Your children always come first. As mothers we go without more than anyone because we want to make sure that our children have what they need and often times even what they want. The sacrifices that I made and continue to make fore my kids I would gladly continue doing. I'm ok as long as my kids are ok and I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll most mothers would say the same thing..
I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore. My job as his mother here on earth is over. He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems. He doesn't need me to worry about him. He is good. He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling. Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan. Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them. Each one is a miracle and a blessing. Each one holds a special place in my heart. I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor. Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me. But now he doesn't. I feel empty. I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. But I can't. I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died. I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married. I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her. He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do. I then told him that was being a parent. Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent. I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally. I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad. I want him to want me. I want him to come to me and ask me for advice. I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.
How do I get over this? That is the million dollar question. How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized? I don't know. I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust. Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else. I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.
My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed. I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life. To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be. I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life. The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me. Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired. I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful. If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost. So Morgan if you read this. Thanks for letting me be your Mom. It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time. Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!
I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore. My job as his mother here on earth is over. He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems. He doesn't need me to worry about him. He is good. He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling. Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan. Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them. Each one is a miracle and a blessing. Each one holds a special place in my heart. I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor. Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me. But now he doesn't. I feel empty. I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. But I can't. I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died. I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married. I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her. He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do. I then told him that was being a parent. Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent. I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally. I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad. I want him to want me. I want him to come to me and ask me for advice. I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.
How do I get over this? That is the million dollar question. How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized? I don't know. I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust. Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else. I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.
My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed. I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life. To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be. I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life. The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me. Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired. I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful. If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost. So Morgan if you read this. Thanks for letting me be your Mom. It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time. Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)