Feelings - Oh Oh Oh Feelings

Isn't it great that we have feelings?  Think of how different life would be if we didn't have feelings.  That's what has been on my mind lately.  I'll be honest at times I wish I didn't have feelings.  I have this problem where I wear my heart on my sleeve as my mother would say and I have a really hard time hiding my emotions.  The inability to hide your emotions does you no good when your feelings are all over the map and you want the world to think things are good even when they aren't. Seriously, I think I could be the poster child for emotional dysfunction.    One minute I'm doing fine the next I'm bawling my eyes out.  Ten minutes later I'm in a panic attack and then I'm back to somewhat normal.( and for me normal is relative)  These events are what I call my emotional roller coaster. I've been on one of my emotional roller coasters now for quite some time and quite frankly I'm getting motion sickness.

But right now my emotional roller coaster has a new car on it and that is the overwhelming feelings of gratitude.  It has become quite evident to me in the last year and a half that even when everything is in the tanker and you feel like you just keep getting hit with stuff over and over again, the hand of our Heavenly Father is right there to show you the good stuff if you just open your eyes and look.

Since Christmas I have had so many people come up to me and say, well it's been over a year everything is OK now right?  Seriously, people actually say that and I remember people telling me once you get past the first of everything it's so much easier.  Take if from me, please don't ever tell someone who is grieving that everything should be better or will get better.  I know you mean well but when it doesn't happen like that you think something is wrong with you.  At least that is the case with me.  Things are not better.  If anything it's worse.  The first year you are numb.  It all doesn't seem real, then the numbness wears off and the reality sets in and smacks you right between the eyes.  This Christmas was worse for me than last Christmas and I know it was for Paul and Morgan too.  The hole is still there and sometimes it feels like alcohol has been poured on my torn heart and the pain is unbearable.  In those days it's easy to give in to the sorrow and the I'll never's.  It's easy to let all the stuff that gets dumped on you become so much more than it is.

That's what I have been going through lately and it seems like this is an ongoing issue for me.  I'm working so hard but sometimes it's just super hard.  On a particularly tough day I had one of my many duh moments when I think Heavenly Father smacks me on the back of the head.  As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I am.  I was filled with so much gratitude.  Even though I still felt sad and blue I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me.  At that moment I decided to think about all I was grateful for.  Here are a few from my list.  My family is healthy, We all love each other and get along.  We are working, We have a nice home to live in, We live in a beautiful neighborhood full of people who are so good and kind.  I have an amazing family who is always there for us.   I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.  I have a personal relationship with my Savior. I have a strong testimony that helps me everyday.  I have some really wonderful people in my life who even though I've become antisocial still text me and check in with me and don't care if I don't want to do anything they just want to be my friend.  I've got people who care enough about me and my family to pray for us.  But the biggest gratitude I have right now is that my family is ETERNAL and that even though it hurts and I have all those I'll never's, I know that my family will be together again and for that I am so very grateful. The other biggy on my list was I know that my Savior understands my emotional roller coaster.  I'm not in this alone.  My Savior and your Savior took upon himself all of it.  He gets it and because of him I don't feel so alone.  My list went on and each day since I have once again made it a point to find things to be grateful for.  It's easy to forget to be grateful and I know that my blog seems to be filled with me trying to be grateful but I have found that the only way out of the muck and the mire is to be GRATEFUL and if I continually blog about gratitude it might sink into my wee little brain and my blog can evolve.  But right now my healing process needs gratitude.

Self Confidence - I need some

It's been quite a few weeks since I last posted on my blog.  I could blame it on the holidays and how busy they are, or just on how busy life can get, but the real reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything of great worth to say.  I read blogs from others and find that my thoughts are random, I'm not eloquent with words and I get scared that what I'm thinking about doesn't come out right and those who read my blog will think I'm a loser.  So in a nutshell, I lack self confidence.  I always have.  I wish I could say that it gets better with age and experiences, but it doesn't.  I've been trying forever to build my self confidence, but alas it is still not that great.

I've always found it quite interesting as to how people get their self confidence.  Is it something you are born with or is it something you learn?  I teach primary in my LDS ward and it amazes me when I sit and watch these young children and even at their young tender age there are those who just radiate with confidence.  How did they get it?  I'm so jealous! :-)

I've often wondered exactly how we got our different talents and abilities.  I know that Heavenly Father has blessed each of us with unique talents and abilities and it is up to us to grow and develop those talents, but how did He decide who was to get what.  I always joke that there were lines in Heaven where we could get different character traits and talents and that I didn't have the patience to stand in line so I just got a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I thought shazam I'm ready to go when in all actuality I needed to show patience and wait in those lines and get the most out of all of the traits and talents that I could.  I'm pretty sure that isn't how it was, but it does make you think.

I started this blog as a way for me to put myself out there, to write about my feelings whatever they may be and to help me as I try to process all that life throws at me and my family but I haven't been brave enough to let my family and friends read this.  My daughter is the only one who knows about this blog.  She is my one follower.  She is the one who helped me get started and she and my hubby are the ones that I find I seek the most approval from.  I want to make them proud and I don't want to embarrass them.  (see there it is again my lack of self confidence.) I shouldn't worry about what others think.  I should be strong and brave and just throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I need to have faith that I am good enough,

So here it goes.  I'm putting this out there for all my harshest critics to read.  This is me folks.  So as you read my past posts (if you choose to) and my posts (if for nothing more than a good laugh at my inabilities) in the future, try to remember that I'm just a simple gal who is trying to do the best she can.  I don't have all the answers, I'm not clever, or witty, I'm not even a good writer.  All I know is that I am who I am.  I'm growing and learning and trying new things (like blogging) and hopefully along this journey I become a better more confident me.

I've had a lot to be grateful for in the last few weeks.  I survived the holidays (yeah me!), I've been blessed with amazing friends and family who went out of their way over the holidays to make sure that we were not alone.  I've had tender mercies from my Heavenly Father in abundance.  so even though life is hard and the journey is long.  I am blessed and grateful.

Here's to a new year and quite possibly maybe even a little bit of a new me.  Go TEAM!