Memorial Day

Of all the holidays that I have had to deal with I really didn’t think Memorial Day would be that big of a deal in my grieving cycle.  I thought I could just do what we do every year and nothing would be different.  Well I was wrong.  I started to worry about the long weekend before it even got here.  My head was so full of sadness that I thought crap, how am I going to make it through the weekend if this is how I feel on the Monday before.  So I sat the clan down and we decided to have a BBQ at our house on Sunday.  Since Sundays are notoriously my hardest day of the week.  We invited some family that we haven’t seen in a while and they were all excited to get together.  We decided to make the BBQ last as long as everyone wanted to stay.  We got up early and went down to put flowers on the graves of those family members that we have lost early on Sunday and then headed home to get ready for the family.  Family started to arrive shortly after we got home.  There were so many fun people there and I was so busy that my mind didn’t have a chance to wander to those dark places.  It was nice to be with family that you love and know are always there for you.  We sat around and played cards and ate a lot of good food.  It was such a nice day.  I remember going to bed thinking, is it possible to do this every Sunday so I don’t have time to think? I know it isn’t, but it would definitely be grand if we could. 

Then came Monday….  I woke up feeling kind of Meh..  Just a feeling that things were off and I didn’t quite know why.  We had been invited to a mid day BBQ with family, but I just didn’t feel like being social.  I just felt  Meh.  Then at about 12:00 I had this thought come into my mind.  We need to go and have a picnic on Taylor’s grass.  Now this is a rather ironic thought for me to have because I’ve been going to cemeteries for years and to me it has always been a place where you go and put flowers on a grave.  I have never felt anything remotely peaceful when I have been at the cemetery.  I have also been known to poke fun at people who do.  I always said, why would you want to go and have a picnic at the cemetery,  they aren’t there.  Well now I get to eat those words because the feeling just kept getting stronger and stronger.   When I took my idea to Morgan and Paul they were like yeah, we need to do that.  So around 4:00 we loaded up the truck with blankets, chairs, umbrellas and a little table and headed to Taylor’s favorite burger joint  (OK it’s the families favorite burger joint too) In & Out.  We ordered us some burgers and fries and headed up to Taylor’s grass.  The minute I stepped out of the car I had a calmness come over me.  It was just a feeling that this is where we needed to be.  Our good friends came and joined us and we just sat there next to Taylor eating his favorite food and playing Taylor’s favorite card games and it felt like Taylor was right there hanging out with us.  We got some funny looks  from others  who came into the cemetery, but I didn’t mind.  We would just smile and wave.  This is where we were supposed to be.  Morgan said it best.  She said I feel whole here and she was right.  I felt whole there too.  So I owe an apology to all those out there who go to have picnics in the grass with the people they love.  I am sorry I ever poked fun at you.  I now see why you come.  I know I am going to continue to do this for a very long time.  I even think that we are going to start a new Memorial Day tradition.  Picnics with Taylor on his grass. 

It’s been eleven months today.  Eleven months since I’ve seen his face.  Eleven months since I’ve heard his laugh.  Eleven months since I’ve had a text from him.  Eleven months without an I love you momma.  Eleven months without a big warm hug.   I don’t want to forget his face, his laugh, the sound of his voice.  I don’t want to forget the way his hugs felt.  I don’t want to forget laughing at his silly theories about how big foot is real, and mermaids are real, or bantering back and forth about ghosts and conspiracy theories.   I’m afraid as each month passes and then the years start passing those memories and times we had will become weaker and weaker until I don’t remember anymore and that scares me.  I’ve forgotten what my dad’s voice sounded like and I struggle to picture him in a memory that isn’t associated to a picture.   I don’t want that to happen with Taylor.  I can’t let that happen with Taylor.  But I don’t know how to do it.  Looking back you never imagine that you are going to lose someone you love.  Right now I wish I had a video of everything we ever did 24 hours day for the 24 years that he was here.  Then I could just replay the videos back and his voice and his mannerisms would never fade.  The fun times he and Morgan shared would never fade.   The Father/son bonding  memories would never fade.  The memories would always be ready for playback anytime I needed them.  But I wasn’t that smart.  I was just like everyone else.  Documenting the big things with pictures until life gets too busy and then the picture taking starts becoming less and less consistent to the point where you go, why didn’t we take a picture from that trip to the lake or from that family game night.  We just get too busy and now all I have are those few videos and the pictures that I remembered to take to help me keep him with me.  It doesn’t seem like enough and that scares me.   So I am open to any and all suggestions on how to not let the memories fade. 

This week I am grateful for picnics in the grass at the cemetery.  I’m grateful for the spirit that directed me to do this.  I’m grateful for the peace that I felt and I am grateful for the peace and comfort that my family felt.  I’m grateful for good friends and family.  Once again where would we be without them!  I’m grateful for my memories and I’m grateful that I have a husband and daughter who will help keep the memories alive.  I’m also grateful that I have a husband and daughter and that we can make new memories with Taylor.  Memories that we can cherish forever and ever!

Headstone

This week has been full of emotions.  This week has probably been as hard as the first few weeks without Taylor.  The difference was this week I wasn’t numb.

Those first days and weeks following Taylor’s death, I was kind of numb.  I went through the motions but it all felt like a dream.  I walked through the days doing what was expected of me never really seeing, feeling or hearing what was going on.  Friends, family, and my loving Heavenly Father filled our home each and every day with love and comfort and in a sense I felt it, but the reality of it was I wasn’t even there.  I know that that was my body’s way of coping with all that was going on and keeping me from having my own padded cell in the psych ward.  But a lot of that first week after losing Taylor is a blur of fuzzy memories.

This week we were finally able to meet with a friend of my brothers to plan out and design Taylor’s headstone.  This is something that I have felt like we needed to do for some time, but our circumstances didn’t warrant us the ability to do it.  So I was grateful that we were finally able to get this process started for Taylor.  The hard part was that this is one of the final things that we have to do for Taylor.  This makes it all real in the earthly sense.  I didn’t realize how emotionally hard this was going to be.  Not only is this the means to an end but it is also a living monument to my son, something that is going to live on this earth longer than me.  That overwhelmed me.  I can’t mess this up.  This is it.  I have to make sure this represents all that was my son so that anyone walking by his headstone will know this is Taylor and this is who he was.  How do you put on a stone all that one man is?  He was smart, funny, kind, compassionate, loving, thoughtful, witty, talented, spiritual, and athletic, he loved deeply and passionately.  How do you put all of that into a headstone? 

I spent most of the day Wednesday pouring over photos of Taylor.  Looking at his smile, and looking at pictures from vacations and competitions that filled me with so much sadness,  sadness because we were never going to be able to experience and see him do these things again.  The hurt was almost unbearable. 

On Thursday I woke up realizing that tonight was the night, the night that I had to start the process.  All the emotions and feelings that I felt during that first week flooded back the immense loss, the shock the fear, and the panic.  I bawled all the way home from work.  Could I really do this?  How was I going to get through this meeting without losing it?  I had to pull myself together.  I didn’t do a very good job of it though.  I was so anxious that I took my fears and sadness out on Paul and Morgan but as usual they left me vent and be frustrated and they stayed calm and remained the strong ones.  I knew that they were both hurting as much about this as I was but they were the rocks that kept me together.   When we got to my brothers house I felt like I was walking into the mortuary all over again getting ready to plan Taylor’s final arrangements.  My stomach was so upset I had to excuse myself, just like at the mortuary.  Every word that was said, every question that was asked felt just like it did at the mortuary and just like at the mortuary I just sat there staring straight ahead trying to breathe and keep it together while Paul and Morgan made all the decisions and laid it all out. My brother and sister-in-law were sitting at the table just like before silently giving me strength, strength that I so desperately needed.   And just like at the mortuary, I failed Taylor.  Pure and simple I wasn’t strong enough.   Once again I was an emotional wreck.  Why is it always Paul and Morgan that can hold it together?  I know Morgan is hurting so much.  Taylor was her best friend.  She is feeling so lost without him, but yet she is able to suck up the tears and make the decisions that need to be made.  Paul hurts to, he and Taylor had shared some amazing times together and he misses his son so much.  But through all their sadness they were able to put our vision across and make it be exactly what I had hoped it would be.  I kept thinking this can’t be real, I can’t be doing this.  This is just a terrible nightmare that I just want to wake up from.  I’m going to wake up and Taylor will be on the couch like he always was and I’ll tell him about my dream and he will laugh and say oh, momma you are a worry wart.  The only problem is this isn’t a sleeping nightmare; this is an eyes wide open reality nightmare.    He’s gone and he isn’t coming back.  He isn’t going to be sitting on the couch.  The other difference is that this time there isn’t family and friends filling our home with love and comfort.  There is no one here talking to us and taking our minds off the reality.  It’s just the three of us, each of us processing and dealing with this in our own way finding strength from one and other.   

The crusade of mourning Taylor isn’t over.  I’m not sure if it ever will be.  Life will never be normal again.  I just have to figure out how to make my own normal.  It’s going to be interesting trying  to find normal but  I guess I don’t have much of a choice, I’m kind of stuck on this crusade whether I want it or not.  I do know that I can’t look back.  I can’t change the past.  I have to look forward in faith and rely on Heavenly Father and my family to help me move forward. 

So once again this week I am grateful for family.  Really what would we do without them?  They bring us strength, they make us laugh, they have our backs, and they share our burdens even when they don’t really want to.  What a wonderful gift from Heavenly Father.  Families simple precious and eternal.    

Weekends

I hate weekends.  I know it really weird to say, but I hate them.  I didn’t used to hate them; in fact I quite enjoyed them.  Now it’s all changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that I don’t have to go to work.  It’s everything else I loathe.

Last weekend was Mother’s Day.  The word that best describes my day is craptastic.  It was a mixture of happiness and crappiness.  I dreaded Mother’s Day just like I dread almost every holiday since Taylor’s been gone.  Just another holiday where I’m supposed to smile and pretend like everything is normal.  Ha, nothing is normal anymore.  I woke up Sunday feeling a bit melancholy.  Morgan and Paul had gone out on Saturday night and bought me some beautiful flowers and Morgan made sure that they were out on the kitchen counter when I walked into the room.  She also bought me this super cute lantern with patriotic stars and pretty lights to put on the fireplace mantle.  It made me feel so special to know that they were thinking of me.  We went to church just like every other week except this week the primary kids were singing in sacrament meeting.  Singing about Mom’s and all that jazz, all I kept thinking was I’m missing a child today.  I’m only half of a mom today.  It was too much.  I had to leave, but I couldn’t go home.  I had to get up and leave the room.  I barely made it to my classroom before the tears started.   I sat there and cried.  I couldn’t make it through Sacrament Meeting either.   I couldn’t handle sitting there hearing talks about Moms and songs about moms when I felt like I was going to explode inside.  We went home and I put on my happy face and we went down to visit my mom.  We took her some dinner and visited for a couple of hours.  It was nice to be with her.  That was part of the happy.  Then we went to the cemetery to put flowers on Paul’s mother’s grave which is right across from Taylor’s.  I kept looking over at my son and wishing with all of my heart that he was there.  That I could hug him and tell him how much he means to me.  When we got home we were watching some movies and during the shows the darkness just got heavier and heavier to the point that I didn’t know what I was going to do and just when the darkness was about to take over I had a thought come to mind that I needed to open the Mother’s Day cards that Paul and Morgan had left on the counter.  As I opened each card and read the message on the card and the notes that Paul and Morgan had written in them I was filled with so much love that the darkness went away.  I cried and cried but they weren’t sad tears, they were happy tears.  I am going to keep those cards close to me always so that when I feel like a crappy mom and wife I can open them up and read the special notes that were written just for me.   I am blessed to have a husband and daughter who know just what I need and a Heavenly Father who is aware of me and helps me.

This weekend there is not a holiday but it’s still a time I dread.  Saturday’s give me too much time to think, too much time alone.  Paul will be busy doing his Saturday list of honey dos and Morgan will be at work or with friends so that leaves me alone with my thoughts and my memories.  Every room has a memory or a feeling.  I try to keep busy but even doing the cleaning makes me sad.  Laundry makes me sad.  I sort the clothes and there isn’t anything of Taylor’s in the pile.  I don’t finish the dishes only to see Taylor go and make him a snack or a drink and dirty more dishes.   Usually on Saturday’s Taylor would be sitting on the couch watching a movie or something and we would sit and talk about stuff.  Nothing big but we would talk.  I think back now and wish I had recorded all of them just so I could hear his voice. 

Sunday’s are worse than Saturday’s.  Every Sunday it’s like losing him again.  The memories of that Sunday morning are forever etched in my mind.  It doesn’t matter what I am doing or where I am when 10:30 comes I know and I remember.  I remember walking into the living room laughing because once again Taylor had slept through his alarm and was going to be late for church.  I remember reaching out and touching his shoulder to shake him awake but he won’t wake up and then the realization that something is wrong, something is terribly wrong.  The whole day plays back in my mind every Sunday.  No matter what I do it happens.  I am hopeful that with time the sad memories and the scary memories will dim and I will be able to make it through a weekend without feeling anxious and alone even when I’m in a room full of people I love. 

As I was driving to work today and thinking on how another weekend is almost here.  I was listening to my scriptures and I had a realization.  I need to pray more.  When Taylor first died I was praying all the time and I was receiving the comfort that I needed.  It didn’t take the pain away, but it helped ease the pain and helped take away the darkness.  As the months have gone by I still pray but not the same way or as often, I keep feeling like I should have this under control, that I should be able to do this on my own.  But as I was driving I felt like I needed to give this to the Lord.  I need to remember to pray to him when the darkness comes and when I feel so sad I want to die.  It was kind of like a slap to the head.  Duh Lisa, so this weekend I am going to do just that.  I am going to turn to my Heavenly Father and give this to him.  Obviously he is there for me because he made sure I had my duh moment this morning and he will be there for me this weekend.  I realized that I can’t do this alone and it’s ok.  I’m not being weak when I ask for my Heavenly Father’s help.  I am doing what he has told us to do.  That’s what the atonement is all about.  I need to keep having faith.

So this week I am grateful for Duh moments, moments when I realize the hand that my Heavenly Father is playing in my life.  How he is always looking out for me even when I don’t think that he is.    I am also grateful for my family.  Yep it’s seems to be a weekly thing, but seriously what would we do without family?  I sure love them and I am grateful that they are mine!

Mothers

Today is Mother’s Day and I have spent this last week thinking about mothers and being a mother.  When I was a little girl I remember sitting in primary and singing songs about how beautiful and wonderful mothers are.  I had to agree.  I have the best mom on the planet.  She is feisty, strong willed, smart, beautiful, talented, loving and soft hearted all of the traits that helped her raise 7 kids and of course raise my dad.  As I got older and turned into a teenager I still looked at my mom with love and respect but I took her for granted.  I was so caught up in being a teenager and doing the teenager thing that I missed all the little things that my mom did for me that I let go unnoticed.  Now that I’m a mom myself I see all that she did and still does  and all that she sacrificed so that I could have the things I wanted and the foundation in the gospel that I grew up with.  I am who I am today because of that amazing lady!  She’s 92 now and her memory isn’t what it used to be but I still know that she is there for me and that she is my champion in whatever challenges I face.  She has a strong should to cry on and a tender heart to comfort my sad one.  She listens to me every day and tells me to keep smiling and be strong.  I love my MOM!

Being a mom you learn quickly that each of your kids are different.  They each have their own unique personalities, dispositions and body types.  Which is great because it would be really boring if all your kids looked the same and acted the same right?  You also learn that there are no instruction manuals that come home with you from the hospital that are written just for raising that baby.  You learn what works by a process of elimination.  You quickly learn that the way you were able to calm one baby isn’t going to work for the new one and that one baby may love to snuggle and be held and the next one doesn’t want to hug you at all.  All you can do is try different things until you find the one that works best.  And so it goes from day to day, year to year and it doesn’t ever stop.  We never stop trying to figure out how to help our kids and how to teach them even when they are adults. 

When we first moved into our current ward I remember sitting in Relief Society and thinking I’m not supposed to be here.  All these ladies told stories about how great their families were, how they had family home evening every week, and how they had daily scripture study and prayer.  I remember sitting there thinking, I’m lucky to just get my kids to primary how am I supposed to get all this other stuff done too?  I’m never going to be good enough.  I got super discouraged and remember thinking I was failing as a mother.  I know a few who have fallen away from the church because they didn’t feel like they could measure up to what they were hearing each week in Relief Society and that it was just easier to quit going and so they did.  I wrestled with those same emotions every week.  I was not the cookie cutter LDS mom.  I didn’t cook (and I still don’t very often), I’m not crafty (that hasn’t changed), I didn’t and still don’t have a huge vegetable garden ,  I didn’t bottle food (I have now learned to make salsa and jellies that are yummy),  I can’t sew clothes or make beautiful quilts.  I got up every morning and went to work 8 hours a day.  My Saturday’s were spent cleaning my house and doing laundry and taking the kids to various sport events or lessons.  So when all these other mothers professed their grandness I felt inferior and lacking in so many ways.  But what I’ve learned over the years has helped me so much.  Here it is, are you ready?  Heavenly Father doesn’t care if you can cook, or do crafts or what your vegetable garden looks like.  All he cares about is that you are doing the very best you can to be the best mom you can possibly be.  Do you love your kids?  Do you provide them with the help and support they need?  Do you listen to them and help them work through their problems?  Are you teaching them how to be respectful and helping them learn all that they can?  Are you teaching them about the gospel and the atonement and showing them how important it all is?  Are you helping them gain their own testimonies of the gospel?  It took me a long time to realize this and it also took me a long time to realize that my Savior’s atonement was there to help me be a better mom.  I have learned that where I lack, my Savior picks up the slack and helps.  I’m not saying that I still don’t have my doubts.  I do, I have them a lot.  But when I have those doubts I know that it is the adversary trying to take me out.  He wants me to feel like I’m a failure.   He wants me to think I’ve failed my kids because if he gets me to quit or have doubts he wins. 

I had dinner the other night with seven amazing mothers.  These were the very ladies that 16 years ago I was jealous of.  They all seemed so put together.  They were the ones that I thought had the perfect families.  But as I have gotten to know these amazing mom’s I have learned that life doesn’t always hand us the cookie cutter life.  Even though we work hard to raise kids that are strong in the gospel and we give them all the love and support we can, they are still their own person and they have their free agency to make choices in their lives that will either be good or bad.  As Mom’s we can guide, counsel, love and encourage our children but ultimately it falls back to them.  Around this table sat seven women who are my very dear friends.  Each one of them has trials and setbacks that when they were younger they never thought they would have.  They have children who have gone astray, children with addiction issues, children with cheating spouses, children with strong testimonies, children who have made sacred temple covenants and are working everyday to stay strong in the gospel, children in college working hard to get an education and to choose careers that will help them later on,  children who have health issues, children who battle depression and anxiety, they’ve lost husbands  each and every one of them are battling their own little wars each and every day to keep their family together.  Countless hours are spent praying for these kids who are now almost all adults with kids of their own and even though all of these things are going on, they never stop being moms.  They never stop caring or worrying or doing all that they can to help their children get back on track.  Motherhood is a full time job and it doesn’t end when your kids grow up.  In fact I think it gets more complicated.

I’ve learned that you can’t always look at someone and think they are perfect and that they have perfect kids.  Because, every family has their issues and every mom is doing her very best to be the best she can be.  I’ve learned to not compare myself to anyone else.  I have a hard enough time handling my own issues; I can’t compare myself to anyone.  It’s taken me a long time to figure that out.

I have also learned that you don’t stop being a mom even after you lose a child.  Every day I think about Taylor.  I know he is OK and that he is with family who love him, but I can’t help worrying.  I wonder what he does all day, I wonder if he ever gets lonely and wishes he was home with us, I wonder if he is taking advantage of all that he has and is learning everything he can.  I pray for him every night.  Even though I know he is in his Heavenly Father’s care he is still my baby and I’m still his Mom and thankfully I will be his mom forever!

I still wonder if I could have done things differently when my kids were smaller.  Did I show my kids the best me and set the best example for them on how to live righteously?   I made mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes some that I regret greatly,    But at the end of the day, I did what I thought was best at the time and that’s all I could do.   I have two of the most amazing kids on the planet and I wouldn’t trade being their mom for anything.  Each one of them has their own unique and wonderful personalities and testimonies.  They have strengths that amaze me and abilities that I can only dream of and each day I thank Heavenly Father that I have them and they are mine. 

This Mother’s Day is hard.  This is my first one without Taylor.  I went to the store the other day and there were Mother’s Day cards by the registers.  I look over and the first card I saw said to my amazing mom from your son.  I just stood there looking at that card and realized that I will never be receiving another card like that.  I won’t be receiving a card from Taylor this year or ever again with something funny inside or a heartfelt message that was meant just from him to me and that makes me sad.  This Mother’s Day Morgan and Taylor aren’t going to be bantering about who did the most worked on my yearly Mother’s Day gift of cleaning the house for me while Paul cleans my windows. (Morgan I know you always did the most).   In fact I even wonder if that will happen this year.  Traditions are changing because the old ones are too hard to go through without Taylor and that kind of makes me sad.  I know it’s hard right now, but there is a part of me that hopes that someday we can go back to our old traditions the ones full of memories and we can sit around and laugh about the fun times and it won’t hurt so badly.  It’s mostly my fault they are changing right now anyway.  I hurt so much and everyone tells me that it should make me happy and that it will help in remembering Taylor, but right now it just plain hurts.  All I see and hear is how I should celebrate and go to the places he loved and feel peace, but I just can’t, every thought everything just makes me sad.   Paul and Morgan have found their way to find peace and comfort but I haven’t.  Maybe someday looking at or going to the snowy mountains won’t make me sad.  Right now I look at them and yearn for my son.

But I have to figure this out.  Morgan needs her Mom to stop being sad all the time.  She needs to have normalcy, she needs to know how important she is.  Sometimes I worry that I’m not giving her what she needs, that she feels left out or neglected because I feel so consumed with trying to deal with Taylor’s death.  I pray every night for her and I’m trying so hard to suck it up and focus.  I want her to know right here for the entire world to see that she is my angel.  She is my sweet amazing daughter and my life would be nothing if I didn’t have her.  She is one of my best friends.  I love being around her and her contagious personality.  She lights up the room and she has such a strong testimony that she just glows.  I look at her and think WOW, she is mine.  That amazing young woman is my daughter.  I have to pinch myself because it feels like a dream.   In all my childhood dreams I never imagined that I would be a mother to someone like her.  I love being Morgan’s mom!  Stick with me dolly.  We will get through this I promise.

 I’m grateful for my mom!  I’m grateful for my mother-in-law who raised an amazing son who I get to have forever!  I’m grateful for my sisters who are moms who have taught me so much.  I’m grateful for my friends who are moms for their strengths and all that I have learned from them.  I’m grateful to the mothers of Morgan and Taylor’s friends, for your example to them and for the great kids that you have.  I’m grateful to be a mom to the two best kids ever!   I’m grateful to be the other mother to some of Morgan and Taylor’s friends.  These kids bring me joy!  I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for trusting me to be a Mom and believing in me with all my faults.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there!  Don’t ever forget how much your Heavenly Father loves you!

Let The Journey Begin

I think I am finally ready to start on my blogging journey.  This is something that I have felt that I’ve wanted to do for a long time, actually felt that I needed to do but I have been too afraid to take the plunge.  I’m not a writer and putting myself out there and really letting people see the real me is terrifying.  I’ve always been worried about what people will think of me.  On the outside I may come across as a confident, strong, faithful put together wife and mother, but under the surface I’m just a scared, insecure wife and mother who wants to make everyone happy and not look stupid.   My whole life I have worried about what other people will think, or what they will say.  I’ve always been insecure.   I’ve never put myself out there so to speak because I was afraid.    So this blog is me the real me the under the surface me.

The reason I felt I needed to blog was twofold.  One was to just get out of my head all the emotions and anxieties that I have bottled up and also a hope that maybe in doing so I can find a way heal.  TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

Ten months ago my life got turned upside down.  I’m not saying that life before then didn’t have its challenges because it did.  But before then, I always knew that as long as I had my husband Paul and my two beautiful children Taylor and Morgan around me and the help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior there wasn’t anything that with a lot of prayer and working together we couldn’t conquer.  Then on a Sunday morning in June it all came crashing down.  My world collapsed.   My son had passed away in the night, my family was changed.  Everything changed.  My son was gone.   How am I supposed to get through this?  How am I supposed to continue on in this mortal life without my son?  How can I be strong for Morgan and Paul when I feel like I can’t move or breathe?

We didn’t have time to plan for Taylor leaving us.  He didn’t have an illness that was terminal.  This was just one of those insane things that happen that you can’t explain.  One minute he is telling you about his date and giving you your hug good night and teasing you and you go to bed only to wake up and he is gone.  No more hugs, no more silly jokes, no more late night talks, nothing.  It’s all gone.   Now all you have are memories and a great big hole in your heart.  That’s how it feels, like there is a huge hole and it hurts to breathe.  Every day it hurts.  One day I will tell Taylor’s story.  It deserves to be told.  But right now I’m just not ready.  But I promise you Taylor I will tell your story so that you can inspire others the way you inspired your family.

Ten months that feels like years.  Ten months of pushing to get out of bed and go to work.  Ten months of putting on a happy face and pretending.  Pretending …or as we say at our house, fake it till you make it.  Only I don’t feel like I can make it.  I’m going through the motions faking it.  It still hurts today as much as it did 10 months ago.  I wake up every morning look at the clock and think Taylor I love you and miss you so much.  Then I push myself out of bed and pray.  Pray  that I will have the strength to get through the day at work without crying,  pray that I won’t be a burden to my family, pray that I can survive,  pray for Paul and Morgan and  pray for the constant companionship of my Heavenly Father.  Then I get to work and pray some more. 

I hate this and I hate that I can’t fix it.  I watch Morgan and Paul and we are all struggling to figure this out.  We all hurt and we are all scared.  I’m the mom, moms are supposed to kiss the owies and make them go away.  But I can’t make this hurt go away.  I can’t fix it.  All I can do is be there with a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but is that enough?  Am I failing as a mom? How do I help others heal when I feel so broken?  I don’t have the answers.  All I know is that I can only do what I can do and that has to be enough for now.  Some days I do better than others.  

There is a song that my mom used to sing all the time that was sung by Nat King Cole.  I always wondered why she sang it and now I know.  She sang it to help her through her sad days.  I find that I have these words playing in my head at the times when I feel like crying. 

It’s called Smile.  Here are the words

Smile though you heart is aching

Smile even though it’s breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what’s the use in crying?

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep trying

Smile, what’s the use of crying?

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile.

I have a friend who is going through some challenges in her life and together we decided that each day we would send a text letting the other know one thing that we are grateful for that day.  We do this with the hope that even though we are struggling and it feels like the world is out to get us, there are still things to be grateful for.

So my goal with this blog is to end each one with at least one thing I am grateful for.

Today I am grateful for my best friend and main squeeze Paul my rock and my sweetie Morgan without them I would be nothing.  I’m grateful for my mom and her sacrifices for me and the strength that she shows when faced with adversity, I’m grateful for my Brother who always knows when to send me a text when I need one, I’m grateful for my family the one I was born into and the one I married into, I’m grateful for the friends who haven’t forgotten me.  I’m grateful for the countless numbers of prayers that have been said on our behalf, I’m grateful for my Savior and for my Heavenly Father and I am especially grateful for my forever family and the promise in knowing I will see Taylor again.