I've been trying to come up with something profound to write about and since it's been a number of weeks since I posted to this blog, it's pretty obvious that nothing profound has happened.
The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights. I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay. Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.
This morning I woke up in a very dark place. It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface. I feel so out of control. I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough. My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess. On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life. There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle. I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming. I can't focus. Welcome to my life - Life without focus. Life in a mess! That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.
I'm lucky enough to have great support. I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter. I know that they are there for me and that they understand. Even when I don't even know if I understand. I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge. Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there. He told me that I'm OK. That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down. He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us. He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved. He understands our life. He feels the same way I do. He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface. He feels as overwhelmed as I do. Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better. Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them. It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.
I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood. In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude. I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come. But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.
So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness. I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father. I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore. I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days. I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos. And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic. I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!
