Lisa 2.0

I logged in today to write a post and couldn't believe it's been two months since my last post.  It seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago.  A lot has happened over the last two months.  We went on a much needed family vacation to California and spent a week in the sun and on the beach with Paul's family do all things California beaches, Disneyland, more beaches, BBQ's with the family and pool time. We had such a great time and it always feels so good when you are surrounded by those you love and who love you.

After our vacation we struggled through Taylor's birthday and the two year anniversary of his passing.  For his birthday we went to a California Angels baseball game and it just felt right sitting in a stadium full of angels knowing that our angel was close by.  We also had our second annual fireworks extravaganza.  What a wonderful tradition we have started all thanks to Taylor's cousin.  Each year the crowd has gotten bigger and so has the show.  Morgan always picks the best songs to go with the fireworks so that we all remember Taylor.  I'm positive Taylor is right there with us watching and smiling.  He loved fireworks and he loved his family.  We also had the one year anniversary of my Mother's death as well.  It's been a pretty emotional month.

Another reason I haven't posted in a while is because I've honestly been trying to figure out what of any value I had to say.  I wanted to write something more than just me venting about my sadness or whatever else I've been dealing with.  But something happened during the last few weeks that's really got me thinking.

I have had multiple people tell me that I have changed.  Some have called me a prude, and some a Molly Mormon.  At first I was kind of offended by those comments.  But after taking some time to reflect I decided I guess I have changed.  Life isn't the same for me anymore.  My priorities have changed.  The way I look at this time on earth has changed as well.

It's hard to express all the things that have changed in me over the past two years.  Actually I think the change started about six years ago.  My life got kind of nuts.  Paul was out of work, Taylor was struggling with his demons, Morgan was in junior high and then high school and going through all that peer pressure and I felt that I had let them all down.  Somehow I had failed my family.  I couldn't help Paul find a job, I couldn't take away the pain and the suffering that Taylor was going through and I couldn't give Morgan all the things that I wanted to give her.  There came times when the pressure and the anxiety I felt would be so overwhelming I just didn't know if I could survive.  I kept praying for help.  Help for Paul, Help for Taylor, Peace for Morgan who was stuck in the middle of this nightmare trying to stay positive and strong when it was really hard.  I cried and I prayed day and night I prayed for some form of peace.  Our Bishop and my mother kept telling me that I needed to give this burden I was carrying to the Lord.  But even though I wanted to and I said I was, it was still weighing heavy on me.  I couldn't get out of the darkness.

One day when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I went out to my car and cried and as I cried I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to take my burdens.  I pleaded with him to help me and my family.  I was trying so hard to do all that was required of me here on earth and I just needed him to help.  As I sat there crying and praying a peace came over me and I knew that my Heavenly Father was listening.  I knew he understood what I was going through.  I knew that he knew me.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  He loved me and I knew I just had to be strong.

As the days, weeks and months went by I watched as little by little light came into my darkness.  Taylor came to us and asked for help.  We were able to watch a young man who was so full of loathing, guilt and darkness, depression and anxiety turn his life around and let the atonement of his Savior heal him.  I watched as he took each step in the his repentance process.  Each hard difficult step, some easier than others, but yet all so difficult and scary for him.  I watched as he let Christ into his life. I watched as he took down the walls that he had put up around himself regarding his Savior come down one brick at a time.  I cried with him in our driveway as he poured out his heart to me.  Shared his fears and doubts with me.    I watch as the light in his eyes came back, I watched as my son came back to us.  It wasn't an easy process and it was full of highs and lows but I saw that change and so did our family.  I watched a testimony start to grow in my son.  I watched my son come back.  Through the atonement and Taylor's desire to change we got Taylor back from the darkness.  

I also watched as my Heavenly Father decided that Taylor's journey here on earth was through.  Heavenly Father knew that Taylor had done what he needed to do here on earth and that his progression needed to continue on the other side.  

I watch Paul who struggled to find work, find a job.  I watch Morgan handle all that she was dealt with strength and courage.  I watched as Heavenly Father blessed Paul and Morgan with the things that they needed most.

I continue to watch the hand of our Heavenly Father in our lives daily.  He comforts us, he sends us tender mercies, he send us happy reminders of fun times we have shared as a family, he blesses us with amazing family and friends who look our for us and love us unconditionally.  

After going through all of this, I'd be stupid if I didn't acknowledge the changes.  Yes I have changed.  I have learned from watching Taylor that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  You don't know what a person has or is going through and what circumstances their lives have given them.  I've learned that every family has it's problems. Even though it doesn't show on the outside, they have struggles to.  I've learn to cherish family time.  I've learned so much about the atonement.  My Saviors atonement is what keeps me chugging along.  Without Him, I would be nothing.  I would never have been able to survive all that I have been through.

Things affect me differently now.  Watching siblings quarrel though normal makes me sad.  I'm so grateful that I was able to instill the love that Morgan and Taylor felt for each other at an early age.  I'm glad for the million times I told them that they needed to love each other and have each other's backs because all you ever really have in life is family.  Friends will come and go but family is forever.  I know that Morgan is grateful for those lessons I taught.  I know she is grateful to be able to say her brother is her best friend and how much they love each other.  I also know that Taylor was grateful that Morgan was his best friend.  That she had his back and that he loved her so very much.

So to those who say I have changed, that I'm a prude and a Molly Mormon I have to say.  If it bothers me when the world demoralizes all things that are good.  If movies, TV shows, music and books can be praised for showing alcohol and drug use and making it seem like having sex is just something everyone should do whether they are married or not, that looking at pornography is OK, that taking the Lord's name in vain and using vulgar language is acceptable and funny, then I guess I am a prude.  If loving my Heavenly Father and my Savior with all of my heart and wanting to be the very best person I can be so that I can return to be with them and with Taylor and my family forever makes me a Molly Mormon then that too is OK with me.

I know I'm not as out going as I used to be and that I try to stay away from social situations.  It's not that I'm a snob or think I'm better than anyone else.  Because we all know that I'm not. It's just hard, so very hard.  I don't feel social.  I still feel lonely and sad even in a room full of family and friends.  I don't feel like I need to be going all the time.  I just want to be with my family and those I love.  Making memories and sharing old memories.  Building bonds and strengthening each other so that we can get through this thing called life.  So please don't be offended or think less of me.  I'm still me, just a different version.  Just call me, Lisa 2.0.

Mother I Love you...

Mothers days is fast approaching and for the past few weeks I have been reflecting on my own mother.  As many of you know if you read my blog, I lost my mom last summer.  And although I know her passing was a good thing and that she is so much happier where she is.  There still that little girl inside of me crying and aching for her mommy.

My mom was and is my hero.  She went through so much here on this earth and through each trial she came out of it with her faith still intact.  She was one remarkable lady.  I remember watching her growing up.  She was always doing something.  Whether it was cooking, cleaning, ironing, teaching piano lessons, working in the yard, the list could go on and on.  My dad died when I was 12 and I don't remember much about my dad other than he took really good care of us.  He was loving and compassionate.  He took care of all things you think a dad should take care of.  But after he died my eyes were opened more and more to the things that my Mom had to teach herself to do.  She didn't know how to put gas in her car, pay the bills, get the taxes done and manage the repairs on our car and on the things that always break down in a house.  I didn't really think about it at the time, but as I look back on it now.  I am amazed at my mom's courage and strength and faith.  I know she was scared and felt alone, but she took each challenge in stride and learned to do all of the things that dad used to do along with help from my brothers and she became a very capable and strong woman.  Don't get me wrong, I knew my mom was strong long before my dad died.  But I didn't understand that strength until about two years ago.  My mother lost 2 sons to Cystic Fibrosis.  She had to sit day in and day out and watch her sons suffer and do all that she could to help them.  I know there were times when she felt helpless, but she never lost her faith.  She just did what she had to do and carried on.   Before my mother passed away she not only watch her two sons fight a disease that has no cure, she also watched my father pass away and then another son pass away as well as two of her daughter-in-laws, and through it all she never doubted her faith.  She never played the woe is me card.  She just shed tears and carried on.

I relied on my mom a lot more than I thought I did.  I've noticed this in the last several months since her death.  I would call her everyday on my way home from work and although our conversations were the same most days, it was still a comfort to hear her voice and to know that she was there.    I drew on her strength to get me through a lot.  She was the one person I knew who understood what I was feeling.  She understood my pain and my sorrow and even though we didn't talk about it a lot, We both knew that she was giving me silently everything I needed to get through that day.

Now that she is gone I've found myself feeling a little more lost than normal.  I can't tell you how many times I've reached for the phone just to hear her voice and then realized she isn't going to answer.

I hope that when my daughter looks back over the years when she gets to be my age that she can think of me with the same way that I think of my mom.  If she can, then I think I did OK.

I used to think, I don't want to be like my mom (and I'm pretty sure most girls say the same thing when they are teenagers) But now I've changed my tune.  If I could even come close to being the kind, caring, compassionate, talented, resilient, strong, faithful woman that my mother was it will be my greatest pleasure.

On this mothers day, I just want to say I miss you Mom!  I miss everything about you.  Even your faults.  I miss it all.  Oh how I wish I could have one more hug, one more good cry on your shoulder, to have you tell me it's OK and that this to shall pass.  I'm trying to be strong because that it what you would want me to do.

Happy Mother Day in Heaven.  I hope the flowers in your garden are beautiful and that you have a comfy chair to sit on.  I hope that the birds are singing in the trees and the breeze is gently blowing and you and Dad are holding hands and enjoying being together!  Give Taylor a hug and a kiss from me.

I love you Mom and I miss you so so much!

March Madness...

It's hard to believe it's been almost a month since I last posted on my blog.  It seems like it was only a couple of days ago.  Time truly flies.

It's March -- It's one of my favorite times of the year.  Old man winter is waking up and spring is in the air.  Tulips and daffodils start popping up, the trees start to blossom and it's like a new day. March is the month where I married my sweetheart the most amazing husband EVER and  March is also a time for March Madness a time for copious amounts of college basketball.  Our weekends are filled with family and BASKETBALL.  We all get together and sit around the big screen and watch hour upon hour of basketball.  I know some of you think we are nuts, but for us, it's the greatest time EVER!  As I mentioned in my last post, our family is rich in tradition and this is one of our favorite traditions.  But just like every other family function I'm reminded that there is a piece of my family that isn't there.  OK, I'm pretty sure he is hanging out with us, but I can't see him, so it feels like he isn't there. It's times like these that I wish we could Skype with the other side.  Just to see his face and to talk with him and see how he's doing.  Catch up on stuff.  Have him there in the room with us face to face and here him cheering for Utah to win and for Duke to lose.  The ability to listen to him smack talk with his cousins about whatever is going on during the game or how his team is going win.  Just to hear his voice tease his sister.  Now if that were possible March would truly be the best month ever!

It's hard to believe that me and my amazing hubby have been married 28 years this year.  We have had a lot of fun times in those 28 years.  Loads of memories both good and bad, happy and sad, stressful and relaxing.  Life doesn't always hand us the smooth sailing, life is great days.  Life is full of storms that toss us to and frow and test our strengths.  I know for a fact that if I hadn't found and married Paul I wouldn't have been able to survive the storms life sends our way.  I count myself abundantly blessed, because each and every morning I get to wake up next to the one person on the planet who knows everything there is about me.  My good stuff and my not so good stuff, and he still loves me.  I truly lucked out when I got him.  I can honestly say that I am who I am today because of him.  He is my rock!  I'm so glad that he and I get to be together forever.  He is my best friend!  

It's amazing that this is our second March without Taylor with us.  In some ways it feels like time is going by so fast, but in other ways it seems like time is a weight on me.  There is a song by the group Bastille entitled Pompeii, in the song there is a couple of lines that every time I hear it, I'm filled with emotion.  The words are:  If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothings changed and all and if you close your eyes does it feel like you've been here before.  That's exactly how I feel.  So many times I find myself closing my eyes and it feels like everything is how it should be, the kids are healthy and happy.  We are all together sitting around the tv watching movies together, or camping, or snowmobiling.  Every time it's something different but every time it's something wonderful.  The sad part is, that I have to open my eyes and see the world and my life for what it really is. Another in the many more to come days without Tay.  

I've really been trying to focus on trying to keep the darkness away and I must say I am improving.  I'm able to go for longer stretches of time between teary eyes.  I am able to see the good in days now that I didn't see before.  I'm able to enjoy a song on the radio and sing-a-long off key and not feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't.  I'm able to laugh and have fun without being overcome with guilt.  So maybe there is hope for me yet.  Morgan and Paul keep telling me Taylor wouldn't want us to stop living and that is true. I am practicing living.

Today I am grateful for family, for music that helps you heal, for Spring, for hubby's and for March Madness. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Happy Chinese New Year

I know that Chinese New Year was on February 19th this year, but our favorite Chinese restaurant celebrated the holiday last night.  Celebrating Chinese new Year is something that our family has been doing for many years.  It's a fun night with good food and entertainment.  It's a chance for us to get together with friends and family and enjoy!

We have been blessed to make some really amazing friends at our favorite Chinese eating establishment and over the years they have become family to us.  We are greeted every visit with a warm hug and teasing just as you would with your own family.  Our Joy Luck family has become a very important part of our lives.  They have been with us through it all.

When we first started going to the celebration our party was small just the four of us, but over the years our numbers have grown and this year we had 13 people at our table.  If you've never been to a Chinese New Year celebration you should really try to go.  The dragon dancers are amazing.  This long dragon dances around the restaurant to the beating of a drum that in and of itself is an art.  The dragon dances and guests feed the dragon money and as the story was told to me  the dragon will bring you luck.

Sitting there at the table last night amid all the noise and confusion I found myself reflecting on years past,  who we have had at our table and the blessing that these people are in our lives.  I can not image what my life would be like without these amazing people.  I also felt the loss of not having Taylor at our table again this year.  He loved his Chinese food and he loved Chinese New Year. Every time we order his favorite dish I think of him.

Chinese New Year has been a tradition in our family and each time we celebrate a tradition I'm filled with sadness because it's just another reminder that someone is missing.  I love our traditions, but there are many times that I wish we didn't have so many.  I also think it would be nice to just not celebrate our old traditions and start new ones, but I can't do that either.  So many happy memories are tied to those traditions and maybe one day those happy memories will overshadow the sad ones that I feel now.  But until that day comes, I hope those around me can forgive my sudden burst of tears and the melancholy that overpowers me at times and remember that I am grateful for them and the traditions that they share with us.

I Got A Daughter, I Got A Daughter, I Got A Daughter, Hey Hey Hey Hey...

Today I am writing about my most amazing daughter.  I'm doing this for two reasons.  One I like to brag and 2 I think she's pretty amazing.  Tomorrow my baby girl turns 20 and if you would had told me when I was her age that I would have a daughter some day I would have told you you were nuts.  Every girl dreams of their happily every after.  But in my mind it didn't exist.  I didn't date much in high school and I always thought I'd be a spinster.  Lucky for me my happily ever after did come true and I married the most amazing man and together we created two amazing kids.

Morgan being born on Valentine's Day wasn't on accident.  She was two weeks late and now I know why.  This sweet girl knew that she had to be born on the day the  we celebrate love.  Because no one loves more than Morgan.  Morgan loves so many things.  And when she loves she loves with all her heart.

When Heavenly Father made my sweet Morgan he broke the mold.  She is exactly what this mother needed and Heavenly Father knew that.  He knew that through the trials and heartaches of life I was going to need a strong loving daughter to help me find my strength.  He knew I needed a strong spiritual daughter to help me see the light when I didn't think it was there.  He knew I needed a sassy, fierce daughter who would make me sing and dance and not take crap when it was be dealt to me.  He knew this and so many other things that I don't have time to write about.  He knows I'm going to need her to teach me all the things that I have yet to learn from her.

I have been blessed with the whole package when it comes to daughters.  She is so smart, and talented, gifted in so many ways it amazes me. I find myself thinking wow, what did I do to deserve such a wonderful person to call mine.

She has been through so much in her seemingly short time on this earth.  She has endured trials and tribulations that would cause many to crumble and give up. But through all these trials and I mean TRIALS.  She has stayed close to her Heavenly Father and clung to her testimony.  She has fought with every once in her to overcome the adversity and she continues to fight the darkness just like her father and I am.  She has learned to rely on her Savior and the love of her parents to help her and hasn't given up.

To describe Morgan would be like describing an M & M .  On the surface you will see a sassy, sarcastic, confident, beautiful, smart, talented, loving, fierce, loyal, spiritual, lady who seems to have it all together.  But break down that shell and you will see a  person who hurts so deeply and cares so much.  Someone who is full of compassion for the broken and down hearted.  Someone who carries around her burdens and trials with such grace and dignity.  Someone who on the surface seems dandy but underneath aches for a brother she lost too soon,  Someone who aches for the good times, the not a care in the world times.  To the naked eye you won't see this, but if you look closely you will see.  I'm grateful she lets me see and that she lets me try to comfort her when she hurts.  And I wish I could take the hurt away.  That I could turn back time to when life was bliss and we didn't have a care.  But alas that is not how this life works.  So as we deal with what we have to deal with, I will yell it from the roof tops how amazing my sweet daughter is and how blessed I feel to call her mine.

I love our girl time together, shopping, sitting on the couch watching the TV shows that makes her dad roll his eyes, jamming to music, laughing at silly things that only we understand.  I love having a daughter so amazingly mine!

There is a song by Tim McGraw entitle "My Little Girl"  I heard it yesterday and I realized that it says everything I've been feeling lately.  Here are the words.

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

You're beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say,  "I love you more!"

You're beautiful from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Life is short.  Don't stay mad at mistakes your kids will and are going to make, don't take for granted on minute that you have.  Love your kids with all you have.  Forgive them their faults.  Love them and let them know that they are loved.  I may have failed in a lot of areas raising my kids.  But the one thing I can say for certain is that my kids know that they are loved unconditionally and that they are my blessings from heaven.  I'm grateful for that closeness that we have as a family and I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world!

Happy Birthday Sweetie!  May your day be full of fun and happiness!  You deserve it.

Now let's break out some dancing music and dance like nobody is watching, go smack some softballs over the fence and CELEBRATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HaPpY BiRtHdAY!!!

Feelings - Oh Oh Oh Feelings

Isn't it great that we have feelings?  Think of how different life would be if we didn't have feelings.  That's what has been on my mind lately.  I'll be honest at times I wish I didn't have feelings.  I have this problem where I wear my heart on my sleeve as my mother would say and I have a really hard time hiding my emotions.  The inability to hide your emotions does you no good when your feelings are all over the map and you want the world to think things are good even when they aren't. Seriously, I think I could be the poster child for emotional dysfunction.    One minute I'm doing fine the next I'm bawling my eyes out.  Ten minutes later I'm in a panic attack and then I'm back to somewhat normal.( and for me normal is relative)  These events are what I call my emotional roller coaster. I've been on one of my emotional roller coasters now for quite some time and quite frankly I'm getting motion sickness.

But right now my emotional roller coaster has a new car on it and that is the overwhelming feelings of gratitude.  It has become quite evident to me in the last year and a half that even when everything is in the tanker and you feel like you just keep getting hit with stuff over and over again, the hand of our Heavenly Father is right there to show you the good stuff if you just open your eyes and look.

Since Christmas I have had so many people come up to me and say, well it's been over a year everything is OK now right?  Seriously, people actually say that and I remember people telling me once you get past the first of everything it's so much easier.  Take if from me, please don't ever tell someone who is grieving that everything should be better or will get better.  I know you mean well but when it doesn't happen like that you think something is wrong with you.  At least that is the case with me.  Things are not better.  If anything it's worse.  The first year you are numb.  It all doesn't seem real, then the numbness wears off and the reality sets in and smacks you right between the eyes.  This Christmas was worse for me than last Christmas and I know it was for Paul and Morgan too.  The hole is still there and sometimes it feels like alcohol has been poured on my torn heart and the pain is unbearable.  In those days it's easy to give in to the sorrow and the I'll never's.  It's easy to let all the stuff that gets dumped on you become so much more than it is.

That's what I have been going through lately and it seems like this is an ongoing issue for me.  I'm working so hard but sometimes it's just super hard.  On a particularly tough day I had one of my many duh moments when I think Heavenly Father smacks me on the back of the head.  As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I am.  I was filled with so much gratitude.  Even though I still felt sad and blue I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me.  At that moment I decided to think about all I was grateful for.  Here are a few from my list.  My family is healthy, We all love each other and get along.  We are working, We have a nice home to live in, We live in a beautiful neighborhood full of people who are so good and kind.  I have an amazing family who is always there for us.   I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.  I have a personal relationship with my Savior. I have a strong testimony that helps me everyday.  I have some really wonderful people in my life who even though I've become antisocial still text me and check in with me and don't care if I don't want to do anything they just want to be my friend.  I've got people who care enough about me and my family to pray for us.  But the biggest gratitude I have right now is that my family is ETERNAL and that even though it hurts and I have all those I'll never's, I know that my family will be together again and for that I am so very grateful. The other biggy on my list was I know that my Savior understands my emotional roller coaster.  I'm not in this alone.  My Savior and your Savior took upon himself all of it.  He gets it and because of him I don't feel so alone.  My list went on and each day since I have once again made it a point to find things to be grateful for.  It's easy to forget to be grateful and I know that my blog seems to be filled with me trying to be grateful but I have found that the only way out of the muck and the mire is to be GRATEFUL and if I continually blog about gratitude it might sink into my wee little brain and my blog can evolve.  But right now my healing process needs gratitude.

Self Confidence - I need some

It's been quite a few weeks since I last posted on my blog.  I could blame it on the holidays and how busy they are, or just on how busy life can get, but the real reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything of great worth to say.  I read blogs from others and find that my thoughts are random, I'm not eloquent with words and I get scared that what I'm thinking about doesn't come out right and those who read my blog will think I'm a loser.  So in a nutshell, I lack self confidence.  I always have.  I wish I could say that it gets better with age and experiences, but it doesn't.  I've been trying forever to build my self confidence, but alas it is still not that great.

I've always found it quite interesting as to how people get their self confidence.  Is it something you are born with or is it something you learn?  I teach primary in my LDS ward and it amazes me when I sit and watch these young children and even at their young tender age there are those who just radiate with confidence.  How did they get it?  I'm so jealous! :-)

I've often wondered exactly how we got our different talents and abilities.  I know that Heavenly Father has blessed each of us with unique talents and abilities and it is up to us to grow and develop those talents, but how did He decide who was to get what.  I always joke that there were lines in Heaven where we could get different character traits and talents and that I didn't have the patience to stand in line so I just got a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I thought shazam I'm ready to go when in all actuality I needed to show patience and wait in those lines and get the most out of all of the traits and talents that I could.  I'm pretty sure that isn't how it was, but it does make you think.

I started this blog as a way for me to put myself out there, to write about my feelings whatever they may be and to help me as I try to process all that life throws at me and my family but I haven't been brave enough to let my family and friends read this.  My daughter is the only one who knows about this blog.  She is my one follower.  She is the one who helped me get started and she and my hubby are the ones that I find I seek the most approval from.  I want to make them proud and I don't want to embarrass them.  (see there it is again my lack of self confidence.) I shouldn't worry about what others think.  I should be strong and brave and just throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I need to have faith that I am good enough,

So here it goes.  I'm putting this out there for all my harshest critics to read.  This is me folks.  So as you read my past posts (if you choose to) and my posts (if for nothing more than a good laugh at my inabilities) in the future, try to remember that I'm just a simple gal who is trying to do the best she can.  I don't have all the answers, I'm not clever, or witty, I'm not even a good writer.  All I know is that I am who I am.  I'm growing and learning and trying new things (like blogging) and hopefully along this journey I become a better more confident me.

I've had a lot to be grateful for in the last few weeks.  I survived the holidays (yeah me!), I've been blessed with amazing friends and family who went out of their way over the holidays to make sure that we were not alone.  I've had tender mercies from my Heavenly Father in abundance.  so even though life is hard and the journey is long.  I am blessed and grateful.

Here's to a new year and quite possibly maybe even a little bit of a new me.  Go TEAM!