After our vacation we struggled through Taylor's birthday and the two year anniversary of his passing. For his birthday we went to a California Angels baseball game and it just felt right sitting in a stadium full of angels knowing that our angel was close by. We also had our second annual fireworks extravaganza. What a wonderful tradition we have started all thanks to Taylor's cousin. Each year the crowd has gotten bigger and so has the show. Morgan always picks the best songs to go with the fireworks so that we all remember Taylor. I'm positive Taylor is right there with us watching and smiling. He loved fireworks and he loved his family. We also had the one year anniversary of my Mother's death as well. It's been a pretty emotional month.
Another reason I haven't posted in a while is because I've honestly been trying to figure out what of any value I had to say. I wanted to write something more than just me venting about my sadness or whatever else I've been dealing with. But something happened during the last few weeks that's really got me thinking.
I have had multiple people tell me that I have changed. Some have called me a prude, and some a Molly Mormon. At first I was kind of offended by those comments. But after taking some time to reflect I decided I guess I have changed. Life isn't the same for me anymore. My priorities have changed. The way I look at this time on earth has changed as well.
It's hard to express all the things that have changed in me over the past two years. Actually I think the change started about six years ago. My life got kind of nuts. Paul was out of work, Taylor was struggling with his demons, Morgan was in junior high and then high school and going through all that peer pressure and I felt that I had let them all down. Somehow I had failed my family. I couldn't help Paul find a job, I couldn't take away the pain and the suffering that Taylor was going through and I couldn't give Morgan all the things that I wanted to give her. There came times when the pressure and the anxiety I felt would be so overwhelming I just didn't know if I could survive. I kept praying for help. Help for Paul, Help for Taylor, Peace for Morgan who was stuck in the middle of this nightmare trying to stay positive and strong when it was really hard. I cried and I prayed day and night I prayed for some form of peace. Our Bishop and my mother kept telling me that I needed to give this burden I was carrying to the Lord. But even though I wanted to and I said I was, it was still weighing heavy on me. I couldn't get out of the darkness.
One day when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I went out to my car and cried and as I cried I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to take my burdens. I pleaded with him to help me and my family. I was trying so hard to do all that was required of me here on earth and I just needed him to help. As I sat there crying and praying a peace came over me and I knew that my Heavenly Father was listening. I knew he understood what I was going through. I knew that he knew me. The good, the bad and the ugly. He loved me and I knew I just had to be strong.
As the days, weeks and months went by I watched as little by little light came into my darkness. Taylor came to us and asked for help. We were able to watch a young man who was so full of loathing, guilt and darkness, depression and anxiety turn his life around and let the atonement of his Savior heal him. I watched as he took each step in the his repentance process. Each hard difficult step, some easier than others, but yet all so difficult and scary for him. I watched as he let Christ into his life. I watched as he took down the walls that he had put up around himself regarding his Savior come down one brick at a time. I cried with him in our driveway as he poured out his heart to me. Shared his fears and doubts with me. I watch as the light in his eyes came back, I watched as my son came back to us. It wasn't an easy process and it was full of highs and lows but I saw that change and so did our family. I watched a testimony start to grow in my son. I watched my son come back. Through the atonement and Taylor's desire to change we got Taylor back from the darkness.
I also watched as my Heavenly Father decided that Taylor's journey here on earth was through. Heavenly Father knew that Taylor had done what he needed to do here on earth and that his progression needed to continue on the other side.
I watch Paul who struggled to find work, find a job. I watch Morgan handle all that she was dealt with strength and courage. I watched as Heavenly Father blessed Paul and Morgan with the things that they needed most.
I continue to watch the hand of our Heavenly Father in our lives daily. He comforts us, he sends us tender mercies, he send us happy reminders of fun times we have shared as a family, he blesses us with amazing family and friends who look our for us and love us unconditionally.
After going through all of this, I'd be stupid if I didn't acknowledge the changes. Yes I have changed. I have learned from watching Taylor that you can't judge a book by it's cover. You don't know what a person has or is going through and what circumstances their lives have given them. I've learned that every family has it's problems. Even though it doesn't show on the outside, they have struggles to. I've learn to cherish family time. I've learned so much about the atonement. My Saviors atonement is what keeps me chugging along. Without Him, I would be nothing. I would never have been able to survive all that I have been through.
Things affect me differently now. Watching siblings quarrel though normal makes me sad. I'm so grateful that I was able to instill the love that Morgan and Taylor felt for each other at an early age. I'm glad for the million times I told them that they needed to love each other and have each other's backs because all you ever really have in life is family. Friends will come and go but family is forever. I know that Morgan is grateful for those lessons I taught. I know she is grateful to be able to say her brother is her best friend and how much they love each other. I also know that Taylor was grateful that Morgan was his best friend. That she had his back and that he loved her so very much.
So to those who say I have changed, that I'm a prude and a Molly Mormon I have to say. If it bothers me when the world demoralizes all things that are good. If movies, TV shows, music and books can be praised for showing alcohol and drug use and making it seem like having sex is just something everyone should do whether they are married or not, that looking at pornography is OK, that taking the Lord's name in vain and using vulgar language is acceptable and funny, then I guess I am a prude. If loving my Heavenly Father and my Savior with all of my heart and wanting to be the very best person I can be so that I can return to be with them and with Taylor and my family forever makes me a Molly Mormon then that too is OK with me.
I know I'm not as out going as I used to be and that I try to stay away from social situations. It's not that I'm a snob or think I'm better than anyone else. Because we all know that I'm not. It's just hard, so very hard. I don't feel social. I still feel lonely and sad even in a room full of family and friends. I don't feel like I need to be going all the time. I just want to be with my family and those I love. Making memories and sharing old memories. Building bonds and strengthening each other so that we can get through this thing called life. So please don't be offended or think less of me. I'm still me, just a different version. Just call me, Lisa 2.0.
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