Mothers days is fast approaching and for the past few weeks I have been reflecting on my own mother. As many of you know if you read my blog, I lost my mom last summer. And although I know her passing was a good thing and that she is so much happier where she is. There still that little girl inside of me crying and aching for her mommy.
My mom was and is my hero. She went through so much here on this earth and through each trial she came out of it with her faith still intact. She was one remarkable lady. I remember watching her growing up. She was always doing something. Whether it was cooking, cleaning, ironing, teaching piano lessons, working in the yard, the list could go on and on. My dad died when I was 12 and I don't remember much about my dad other than he took really good care of us. He was loving and compassionate. He took care of all things you think a dad should take care of. But after he died my eyes were opened more and more to the things that my Mom had to teach herself to do. She didn't know how to put gas in her car, pay the bills, get the taxes done and manage the repairs on our car and on the things that always break down in a house. I didn't really think about it at the time, but as I look back on it now. I am amazed at my mom's courage and strength and faith. I know she was scared and felt alone, but she took each challenge in stride and learned to do all of the things that dad used to do along with help from my brothers and she became a very capable and strong woman. Don't get me wrong, I knew my mom was strong long before my dad died. But I didn't understand that strength until about two years ago. My mother lost 2 sons to Cystic Fibrosis. She had to sit day in and day out and watch her sons suffer and do all that she could to help them. I know there were times when she felt helpless, but she never lost her faith. She just did what she had to do and carried on. Before my mother passed away she not only watch her two sons fight a disease that has no cure, she also watched my father pass away and then another son pass away as well as two of her daughter-in-laws, and through it all she never doubted her faith. She never played the woe is me card. She just shed tears and carried on.
I relied on my mom a lot more than I thought I did. I've noticed this in the last several months since her death. I would call her everyday on my way home from work and although our conversations were the same most days, it was still a comfort to hear her voice and to know that she was there. I drew on her strength to get me through a lot. She was the one person I knew who understood what I was feeling. She understood my pain and my sorrow and even though we didn't talk about it a lot, We both knew that she was giving me silently everything I needed to get through that day.
Now that she is gone I've found myself feeling a little more lost than normal. I can't tell you how many times I've reached for the phone just to hear her voice and then realized she isn't going to answer.
I hope that when my daughter looks back over the years when she gets to be my age that she can think of me with the same way that I think of my mom. If she can, then I think I did OK.
I used to think, I don't want to be like my mom (and I'm pretty sure most girls say the same thing when they are teenagers) But now I've changed my tune. If I could even come close to being the kind, caring, compassionate, talented, resilient, strong, faithful woman that my mother was it will be my greatest pleasure.
On this mothers day, I just want to say I miss you Mom! I miss everything about you. Even your faults. I miss it all. Oh how I wish I could have one more hug, one more good cry on your shoulder, to have you tell me it's OK and that this to shall pass. I'm trying to be strong because that it what you would want me to do.
Happy Mother Day in Heaven. I hope the flowers in your garden are beautiful and that you have a comfy chair to sit on. I hope that the birds are singing in the trees and the breeze is gently blowing and you and Dad are holding hands and enjoying being together! Give Taylor a hug and a kiss from me.
I love you Mom and I miss you so so much!
