Lost in the Darkness

I've been trying to come up with something profound to write about and since it's been a number of weeks since I posted to this blog, it's pretty obvious that nothing profound has happened.

The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights.  I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay.  Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.

This morning I woke up in a very dark place.  It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK.  I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface.  I feel so out of control.  I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough.  My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess.  On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life.  There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle.  I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming.  I can't focus.  Welcome to my life -  Life without focus.  Life in a mess!  That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.

I'm lucky enough to have great support.  I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter.  I know that they are there for me and that they understand.  Even when I don't even know if I understand.  I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge.  Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there.  He told me that I'm OK.  That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down.  He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us.  He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved.  He understands our life.  He feels the same way I do.  He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface.  He feels as overwhelmed as I do.  Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better.  Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them.  It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.

I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood.  In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude.  I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come.  But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.

So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness.  I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father.  I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore.  I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days.  I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos.  And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic.  I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!

Witches Night with the Ladies

It's October and that means a few things to most people.  First it's fall, the leaves are changing the air is crisp and I must say to me this time of year is heaven.  I took a ride up the canyon last week and as I was driving up I was so drawn to the colors and the thought came to mind.  When I get to Heaven, this will be my paradise.  There is something about all the fall colors that just make me feel warm and hugged.  When I think about it, it seems to me that Heavenly Father planned this time of year.  He wanted all of us to be warmed by the colors of fall to feel natures hug to us before the cold of winter comes.

Second it's Halloween and with Halloween comes Witches Night at Gardner Village.  For those of you who don't know what Witches Night is, let me paint you the picture.  Gardner Village is an old mill in West Jordan and around the mill they have brought in and restored old houses, buildings and barns that date back to the pioneer times.  In each of these building there are shops.  During the Halloween season Gardner Village decorates with lights and animated witches decked out in fun attire and doing all sorts of antics.  They are placed throughout the village.  On two weekends in October they host Witches Night.  During this time ladies and a few brave men dress up in witch costumes and walk around the village shopping and cackling.  There is also a DJ and fun music is heard from all over the village.  Basically it's a time for ladies to dress up, pretend and have fun.

Going to Witches Night has turned into a tradition for our family.  It's a time for Morgan and I to go and have fun with Paul's cousins and occasionally we can convince a friend to join us.  It's a time where Morgan and I can laugh and dance and act crazy (not that we don't normally act crazy, but here nobody stares at us like we are nut cases).  I look forward to this special day with Morgan.  Just like I do with Swiss Days in September.  These are special times for us.  Memory making times. This year Morgan wasn't able to go she had to work (being a responsible adult does have its drawbacks)  and I have to admit it just wasn't the same.  The music was still there.  There was still dancing and people dressed up in amazing costumes, but without Morgan the fun just wasn't as much fun.  I tried to let loose and have a good time, but I just couldn't.  I'd see something and turn to Morgan to tell her about it or share an experience with her and then realize, Duh she isn't here.  I tried to text her pictures but I knew that would just make the fact that she had to work that much more difficult so I stopped.  As I was walking around the village I had the realization that when Morgan goes away to school I'm really going to be alone.  Hopefully she will be able to tear herself away from all of the goings on of college and work and be able to come and spend witches night with me.  But the reality is, we never know where life will take us.  I love that Morgan is an adult, but I miss the days when she was younger and we could plan out life without worrying about work and school.  But such is life.  Sometimes you just have to face the reality that we have to grow up and sometimes we have to be alone.

This week I am grateful for FALL!  I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's color hug.  I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Morgan.  I'm grateful that we are close and enjoy spending time together.  I'm grateful she is mine!

I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!

Our group was small this year.  Becky, Lisa, Erica and Gerilee

Yummmm

Erica with some voodoo witches

Smoke and Mirrors

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days.  I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year.  This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died.  I told this person it was OK and thought we were good.  Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it.  I didn't even know how to respond.  I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt.  "Over it" you have got to be kidding me?  I'm not over it.  I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died.  I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him!  My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.

I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did.  It hurt.  It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting.  I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.

So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference.  Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is.   It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition.  If  I did that no one would want to be around me.  So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there.  In fact that is what all three of us are doing.  We hurt, each and every day we hurt.  We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel.  We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely.  We just hide it behind our masks.

Also, please understand that we have triggers too.  We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding.  You remember happy times, or sad times.  Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in.  Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in.  When that happens please keep loving us.  Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us.  We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.

This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same.  I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure.  I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD!  I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.

My Tank Is Empty

I don't know why and I don't know how.  But I can in all honesty say that my "you can make it through this" tank is empty.

Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK.  We spent the weekend at our friends cabin.  The room was filled with dear friends and family.  There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty.  So many memories are tied to their cabin.  We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories.  Sweet memories of times with Taylor.  Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies.  Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun.  Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.

Now we are home I still just feel empty.    I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday.  Taylor on the other hand, not so much.  All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel.  All I've done for three days is cry.  I need my tank filled.  I know that I should be grateful.  Like I said things are going pretty good.  But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.

I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on.  I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.

Pray for me please.  I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me.  THANK YOU!

This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.

A Mother's Work

When you become a mother your whole world changes.  Life is no longer about making you happy or doing what you want to do.  Life is all about your children.  From the moment you find out your are having a baby your whole life changes.  You see things differently.  Your whole life is about protecting, caring, nurturing, teaching and worrying about your children.  Your children always come first.  As mothers we go without more than anyone because we want to make sure that our children have what they need and often times even what they want.  The sacrifices that I made and continue to make fore my kids I would gladly continue doing.  I'm ok as long as my kids are ok and I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll most mothers would say the same thing..

I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore.  My job as his mother here on earth is over.  He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems.  He doesn't need me to worry about him.  He is good.  He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling.  Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan.  Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them.  Each one is a miracle and a blessing.  Each one holds a special place in my heart.  I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor.  Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me.  But now he doesn't.  I feel empty.  I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it.  But I can't.  I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died.  I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married.  I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her.  He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do.  I then told him that was being a parent.  Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent.  I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally.  I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad.  I want him to want me.  I want him to come to me and ask me for advice.  I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.

How do I get over this?  That is the million dollar question.  How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized?  I don't know.  I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust.  Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else.  I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.

My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed.  I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life.  To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be.  I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life.  The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me.  Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired.  I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful.  If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost.  So Morgan if you read this.  Thanks for letting me be your Mom.  It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time.  Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!

Peace

For the past several years I have felt anything but peaceful.  The trials of life and the burdens that I felt I have had to carry for the last 6 years have weighed heavily on me.  Even when things were going relatively smoothly I still didn't feel peace.  

Since Taylor passed away and Paul found work peace still eluded me.  I was constantly burdened with this feeling of unrest for Taylor.  Taylor didn't always make the best choices and he had a lot of guilt and burdens that he was carrying around with him.  In the months before Taylor died he had been taking great measures to get his life on track.  He was working hard to turn his life around physically, mentally and emotionally.  He wanted so many things to change.  His repentance process was in full swing.  He had overcome obstacles, had reached out for help.  He as relying on his Savior's atoning sacrifice to heal him and to help make him whole.  I saw the changes in Taylor.  I saw the light of Christ in him and I also saw how Satan was working extra hard on him to discourage him because he knew what Taylor wanted and he didn't want to lose Taylor.  Satan knew what Taylor had to offer those around him.  He knew the good in Taylor and he wanted him to fail.  Taylor had so many goals that he was working to achieve and then he was gone.  All of those things that he had been working for here on earth weren't going to happen here on earth.  These were all things that Taylor now needed to work on from the other side.  I knew what Taylor wanted and where his heart was when he passed away and I knew deep down inside that he was going to be OK, but I was still consumed with unrest.

My head was full of questions,  once Taylor got to the other side, did he change his mind?  Did he decide that he didn't want all that he was working for?  Did he look down on his friends who didn't have the gospel in their lives and think I liked living that way and I don't want to make these changes now?  I know these are all questions that you probably think I am nuts for thinking, but I did.  I had doubts.  I had worries.  I wanted my son to want what the rest of his family has.  I wanted him to have the gospel and all of the blessing that being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gives to us.  I wanted him to feel that joy and that warmth in knowing the truthfulness and having the holy ghost with him.  I wanted him to find strength in our Savior and come back to the gospel.  But I was left here on earth wondering.  Everyone kept telling me that he was good, that he was OK, that he was happy and a part of me believed that but I still felt uneasy.  

Then last week happened. 

 Doing Taylor's temple work was important to us.  We had been talking about doing this for him since shortly after he died.  We knew that this is what he was working towards here on earth and we wanted to make sure that it got done for him.  But my doubts kept creeping in.  Was Taylor ready?  Did he want the work done?  Where was he in his progression?  Back in February or March of this year I had a feeling come over me one morning that Taylor wanted his work done.  I was so happy.  But it was too soon.  We had to wait a year until we could do his work.  As the months ticked by the doubts crept back into my mind.  Did Taylor really want the work done, or was this my own wishful thinking and did I just think I felt what I did?  I decided it was time to really find out.  I started praying to find the answer.  I prayed daily morning and night asking Heavenly Father to let me know if Taylor was ready and if we did the work would Taylor accept it.  I prayed and prayed and got nothing.  I prayed for months and still nothing.  Then the first week in August I got my answer.  We were driving to a family reunion and I had this feeling that Taylor wanted to attend his best friends temple marriage and he was ready for us to do his work.  He didn't want us to wait any longer he wanted it done NOW.  As I relayed the feelings that the Holy Ghost had given me to Paul we decided it was time.  So last week on the 19th of August we went to the Jordan River Temple and did Taylor's temple work.  Paul was able to be proxy for Taylor and do the work for him.  Paul said he had such a great experience with Taylor that day.  He knew that Taylor was with him and that Taylor was more than ready for this work to be done.  Taylor was happy.  Everything that he was trying to overcome on earth was gone.  He was free of all the pain and suffering that he went through.  He was forgiven and he was ready.  I felt it too.  

Ever since we walked out of the Temple last week I have felt peace.  Peace in knowing that Taylor is good.  That he is happy and that all of his burdens are gone and it is no longer weighing on him.  He is whole and complete free to be the Taylor that he wanted to be and that we knew he was.  I finally feel calm the haunting feelings are gone.  I still miss him terribly.  I miss him as much today as I did a year ago.  My missing him isn't going to change.  I will miss him until I am able to hug him and hold him and see him again.  But I know that he is good and that he is strong and getting stronger and that he will be able to fight Satan when the time comes again and that gives me peace.

This week I am grateful for a worthy husband who was able to do the temple work for Taylor.  I am grateful for our eternal family and the promised blessing of knowing that our family is forever and Paul, Morgan, Taylor and myself as well as the future spouses of Taylor and Morgan will be together and I will be able to hug my son again.  I'm grateful for a beautiful daughter who has a strong testimony.  I'm grateful that even though life gets us down she finds strength in her Savior to get her through.  I grateful for answered prayers. But most of all this week I am grateful for PEACE!

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings...

The last couple of weeks have been filled with so many blessings that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  I have been so down and feeling discouraged wondering if I was ever going to be able to dig myself out but a couple of weeks ago I received an answer to my prayers.  I had been praying for this answer for quite some time.  The Holy Ghost had told me something earlier in the year, but I had started to doubt that feeling so I began to pray to know if what I felt before was true and I got my answer, and the answer was so profound that I knew I couldn't question it.  (Heavenly Father has figured me out.  He knows how my head works so he made sure I got it good this time.)  I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying.  Heavenly Father is aware of me and he is listening to me.  And since that day the blessing have been pouring in.  Let me share a few of them with you:

My daughter Morgan has been stressing.  She thinks she is so sly and I don't know when things are bothering her, but I do.  And knowing that she was struggling I had been praying for her to feel peace and reassurance.  So when these blessings started pouring in for her I was so grateful.  Even though these  blessings came to her we as a family felt blessed.  Because as you know when one is blessed so is everyone else.  Before I tell you Morgan's blessings let me share a little about her.  Morgan is amazing.  Pure and simple.  This one beautiful woman (ugh I hate typing that,  yes she is a woman now, but she is my baby girl and always will be.) is so gifted and talented.  She doesn't always see it, but she truly is.  She is gorgeous, honest, hardworking, smart, beautiful inside and out, she has a strong testimony of the gospel, she is a good example to her family and friends, she is caring, funny, witty, crazy, loving, compassionate, faithful, strong, courageous, sweet, daring, and basically AMAZEBALLS and  I'm not just saying that because I am her mother.  I could go on and on and I usually do.  So when the blessing started pouring out for her I want you to know that no one deserves them more.  Her first blessing came as a promotion at work and not only does the promotion give her more training and responsibility it also is allowing her to make more money which will help her to pay for all the things that she needs and wants.  This opportunity will also help her grow.  Her next blessing came as a scholarship for her Sophomore year.  All her hard work and dedication to her studies paid off.  This scholarship will help with the financial burdens that a college education can be.  We as a family had been praying for her to be rewarded for her hard work and to allow her burden to be lightened. And our prayer was answered.  So grateful!

My next blessing came in the shape of a nice long weekend in the mountains.  We were able to get away and spend some time as a family enjoying the beautiful mountains that Heavenly Father created for us.  We had a great time with family and friends making memories and sharing laughs.  Morgan and her Dad built a snowman out of snow on a glacier.  Morgan named in Melten Waters, Olaf's North American Cousin.  He was so cute.  Then Morgan and I were able to go on a four wheeler adventure, thanks to our cousins, and she and I had a great time.  We have had a lot of rain here this summer and so all of the wild flowers were still in bloom.  It was so beautiful.  I came home feeling relaxed and full of happiness for a change.

My next blessing came this week.  We as a family were able to go to the temple and do Taylor's temple work.  What a beautiful night that was.  Surrounded by family both here on earth and in heaven.  Knowing that Taylor was there and anxiously waiting for his dad to help him get his work done.  I was so grateful that Paul was worthy to do this work for him.  I am blessed to be married to such an amazing man who honors his priesthood.  I was filled with the spirit that day.  Everything was beautiful. It was a happy day in the Wright family.

These are just a few of the many blessings that we have been blessed with in just a matter of weeks.  There are always blessings around us some that we don't even notice or that we take for granted.  I've learned over the last year to really try hard to look for the blessings and acknowledge them and be grateful for them.  Life is full of challenges and struggles that's why we are here and it is so easy to get overwhelmed by our challenges, I know this first hand it's HARD but taking the time to look for the blessings really helps.  I'm not saying that I don't have bad days, I do and I'm still learning.  Learning to take each day as it comes and working hard each day to see it through whether it's good, bad, or ugly.  I know that if I am close to my Heavenly Father he will help me through. And as I strive to stay close to my Heavenly Father I am learning so much and growing.

BLESSINGS BABY -- YA GOTTA LOVE EM!

It's Like Living in a Dream...

This week as I continue to process all that has happened in the last couple of weeks I keep having this feeling like I am walking around in a dream.  I know it's not a dream, but it still feels that way.  I'm going through the motions and doing everything that is required of me, but it just doesn't seem real.  I look around me and see everyone going about their days doing what they always do and once again my life continues to feel like it is not my own.

I know that I have probably said this in another post, but it truly does feel like I'm dreaming and that I'm going to wake up and my world will be all back to normal.  Taylor will be here.  My mother will be here and everything will be as it should.  The problem is that I'm not dreaming, this is reality.  Life is exactly what it is and I can't do anything about it.  I just have to continue trying to figure out how to move forward.

I still can't believe that my mother is gone.  I've had her with me for so long and always had her to rely on and even when I didn't tell her all my troubles, just knowing that she was a phone call away always brought me so much comfort.  Now as I continue to struggle with my grief over Taylor I realize that the one person who truly understood what I am going through and what I am feeling is no longer here and that scares me.  I always knew that I could draw on her strength when the three of us were struggling.  Now I can't.  All I have is memories and sometimes the memories aren't enough.

The family has been spending time at my mother's house going through the drawers and closets and trying to sort through what is worth keeping and what isn't.  I'm really having a hard time because every room in that house holds a memory for me.  I grew up in that house.  Up until I got married I had never lived anywhere else, so watching everyone go through my mother's stuff and start staking claims on what they want is killing me.  I know it's just stuff, and I know that everyone should have a piece of my mother and that everyone loved her just as much as I did.  I'm just having such a hard time separating my memories from the stuff and I feel so selfish because I just want to keep everything, which would be nuts because I truly don't have room in my house for everything even if I was selfish enough to take it all.  My friend had an idea.  She said why don't I take pictures of all of the things in the house and then that way I will have the memory of how things looked and the furniture that she had and maybe that would help.  So I am going to try that this weekend and we will see if it helps.

I've also been struggling with this feeling that Heavenly Father has stepped away from me. For the last year it has felt like I have had my Heavenly Father walking beside me and since my mother died I haven't felt that closeness.  Even when mom was struggling and I knew she was going to be leaving us and I prayed for her release I knew my Father was with me.  And as I am writing this and saying how I don't feel his closeness, I'm filled with the warmth of his love and realize that he is here with me.  I'm so grateful for the reassurance that I just received from HIM.  Satan loves to mess with my head.  He knows that is my weakness.  I doubt myself a lot and he plays on that.  Dang him!  I thought I had told him to take a hike.  The persistent little bugger won't get lost.  President Uchtdo

rf's quote from conference fits right here perfectly.  Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  Words to live by!

This next week as I continue to keep moving forward I am going to work harder on believing in my faith and take strength from that faith.  I believe that if you have faith, hope and lots of prayer it can see you through anything.  I also know that I need to give this to my Savior. And I have been trying to, it's just hard sometimes.  But I am going to be better at it.  

This week I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who is always by my side and as always I am so grateful for my hubby and my sweet Morgan they are my life and I am so blessed to call them mine!

A Long Two Weeks

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted on my blog.  To say that these couple of weeks have been stressful would be an understatement.  During this time we celebrated Taylor's birthday, had the one year anniversary of Taylor's death, had my 92 year old mother fall and break her leg, and then had my mother pass away.  I really hate summer.

We decided as a family that we really didn't want to be home for Taylor's birthday or for the one year anniversary of his death.  Some friends of ours let us stay in their condo at the Canyons.  I didn't realize it at the time we accepted the invitation to stay at the Condo that we were actually going to be staying at one of the resorts where Taylor liked to snowboard.  In fact it didn't hit me until the second day we were there.  It was kind of fitting and kind of peaceful.

Taylor's birthday was so hard.  I was so consumed with loss that I had a real hard time the entire day.  We took a ride up to the resort on the Cabriolet and walked around the resort.  As we were walking around a song came over the loud speaker.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  It was the song from Electric Light Orchestra that Taylor used on his first sponsor me video.  I looked over and Morgan and Paul and said "Coincidence?"  We all knew it wasn't.  We all knew that Taylor was there with us on the mountain and he wanted to make sure that we knew it too.  It was such a beautiful day sitting in the sun and listening to one of Taylor's songs.  I miss him so much and am grateful for the little reminders of him.

On the 30th I decided to turn my phone on do not disturb because I didn't want to get overwhelmed with people asking me how I was.  I was having an OK morning.  I was sad but I had peace too.  When we started to pack up to head home I looked at my phone and saw I had two missed calls and two text messages from my brother.  I read the message and it said that my mother had fallen in her driveway and had broken the neck of her femur.  In my panicked state though I thought it said she broke her neck.  I crumbled to the floor in tears.  I kept saying over and over not today, please not today.  I can't take another loss today.  We hurried to the hospital where they had taken my mother.  When I got there she had a lot of morphine in her system and was asleep.  And this started the longest week of my life thus far.

Mom went into Surgery on the 1st of July.  The surgery went well, but mom never did snap back after the surgery.  The doctors told us she was only allowed 3 midnight stays with her insurance and that we needed to look into finding a therapy center for her to stay in.  After her surgery though she didn't improve the way the doctors had hoped.  She could barely stand up and to do therapy would require her to do work for at least three hours a day and that wasn't about to happen.  Then her kidneys started to fail and she didn't want to eat or drink.  The day after her surgery the doctor told us that therapy was out of the question for mom and that we should start looking at hospice care for her.  We were able to take her to her home on the 4th of July.  Together as a family my three brothers and their wives along with Paul and Morgan and my niece Kami sat by my mother's bedside and listened to the hospice nurse instruct us on how to care for and give medication to my mother.  I prayed and prayed the entire week and all that day that Heavenly Father would see fit to allow mom to go home to him and be with my dad and Taylor as well as my brothers and sister - in-laws who have already passed on.  I couldn't bare the thought of my sweet mother confined to a bed for weeks or months feeling like she was a burden on us and losing her dignity.  After the nurse left we put my mother's favorite music on.  Good old fashioned country music.  Her favorite singer was Eddie Arnold.  Even though mom didn't open her eyes or talk to us, we knew she was happy to be home.  We watched her lift her arm and tap out the beat to her favorite songs a number of times while we were there.  That will be a memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  That knowledge that she was happy to be home and at peace.  The next morning I got a call at 7:00 in the morning telling me that mother had just passed away.  My relief that she no longer suffered was over powered  by my feelings of sadness for losing my mom.  She was my best friend.  The two of us had been alone together ever since my dad died when I was twelve.  After I got married she would spend the holidays with us and I would talk to her everyday on the phone.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this as well as continue to figure out how to move on without Taylor.  Together these two deaths have hit me hard.  I know my mother is happy now.  I know that she is with my dad and the reunion was something that I wished I could have seen, but the loss here on earth is hard.

The next few days were filled with planning and carrying out my mom's wishes regarding her funeral.  One of her requests was for me to give her life sketch with my brother Kim.  I knew it was something that I was supposed to do, but I was scared to death and afraid that I wouldn't or couldn't do justice to the amazing mother I have.  I had many sleepless nights leading up to her viewing and funeral.  Her funeral was beautiful and the chapel was full of family and friends who loved my mother.  She touched many lives and the evidence was in the number of people who attended the viewing and funeral.  I'm sure mom was surprised as well.  She always told me that being 92 nobody would be around to attend her funeral and that everyone who remembered her was dead.  Boy was she wrong.

Here is my piece of the life sketch for my mother.  I'm not sharing it to brag on what I wrote, but to share with you how amazing my mother was:

I get to talk about the golden years.  They weren’t golden because of mom’s age, they were golden because mom had me.  I’m kidding, they were golden because it was the time of me and my best friend my mom.

After dad died it was just the two of us at home.  The boys as I so kindly call my brothers were gone with their families and helping us from there.  It was mom and I the dynamic duo.

When I read that I was supposed to talk today, two things kept popping into my mind.  Mom wants this short and sweet and how on earth can I possibly put into words all that my mother is and pay her the proper tribute she deserves.  She was 92 and a half years old.  I have to add the half because Mom let everyone know exactly how old she really was.   I decided instead of just telling you stories, I would use words that described the traits that I felt my mom had.  My list was pretty long, so please know that as I tell you about my amazing mother that she is so much more than what a few minutes at her funeral is going to allow me to talk about.

Talented/Smart -  My mom was able to take the talents that Heavenly Father gave her and excel at them.  As Kim has mentioned she excelled in her studies, her music  and also in her love of horses.  My favorite thing to do with mom was playing duets on the piano.  We would spend hours playing together.  We used to have fun seeing how fast we could play the songs.  Mom and I would spend hours sitting together playing duets. Mom was also very clever.  She always had a momism that fit just about any moment.  I always wondered how she remembered them all.  Mom also loved to do crossword puzzles and word puzzles.  Every once in a while I would get a phone call from her asking me if I could give her abbreviations for computer lingo or slang.  Other than that my mom was a word genius.   

Educator – Although my mom didn’t have a four year degree that didn’t stop her from being a teacher.  My mother taught piano lessons for a long time.  When I was younger I thought she was teaching piano to every kid in American Fork.  She obviously wasn’t but I can almost guarantee you that the majority of the youth growing up in the 6^th ward  learned to play the piano from my mom.  Not only did she teach her students how to play the piano, she also taught them about never giving up.  I remember her having a can sitting on the piano that said there is no T in can.  She used this saying with her piano students who thought a song was too hard and they didn’t think they could do it.  She also used this on me a lot.  Whenever I would get discourage and want to give up, she would say.  There is no T in your can.  Mom also spent many years working for Alpine School District.  She worked in the mother’s high program as well as the adult education program.  Here she helped young mothers and adults earn their high school diplomas.  She loved assisting the students and giving them the help and encouragement they needed to not give up and keep going to graduate. 

Fearless – My mother was the bravest woman I know.  The only thing that I know she was afraid of was lightning.  This is ironic because my dad and grandpa sold lightning rods.   I remember whenever there was a storm day or night, mom would grab me and we would go and sit in the car or go for a ride.  Mom felt safer with the rubber tires under her even though we had a lightning rod on our house .  Other than that my mom wasn’t afraid of anything.  If a mouse went scurrying across the floor she would just step on it kill it and then take it outside for the cats to have.   Snakes in the yard, nope not afraid.  Spiders on the walls, nope not afraid.  If she was afraid of anything, I never knew it.

Courageous  and Independent,– My mom faced many challenges in her life.  She lost children, her husband, her parents, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren and through each of the challenges mom found a way to rise above.  Even when life was the hardest I can remember her say – smile and the world smiles with you cry and your cry alone.  After my dad died I remember she realized that there were a lot of things that dad did that she didn’t know how to do.  Mom didn’t give up.  She learned how to do all the things that dad did with a lot of help from my brothers especially Mike.  Mike was always there to help mom.  Mom relied on him for so much and she was so grateful for all he did for her.  I kind of think she drove him  nuts with her list after list of honey dos that now he got to do.   My mom and I had a lot of adventures.  Every summer and Christmas we would go to either Colorado to see Jay or California to see Randy and Kim.  Mom would navigate us through airport and train station and never bat and eye or act intimidated by the size or the crowd.   There was a time when we were on a plane and I told her I was afraid the plane would crash.  She just looked at me and said.  If it crashes we will be with dad and if we get there we will be with family, so how can we possibly be scared and it was true.  I was never afraid of flying again.   As mom got older the biggest thing for her was keeping her independence.  She didn’t want to live with any of us.  She wanted to stay home, eat what she wanted, sleep when she wanted, and watch whatever she wanted and she didn’t want any of us to tell her what to do.  I loved that about her.  Mom knew what she wanted and she did it herself.  She didn’t need to rely on others.  That is a trait that I would like to have. 

Service /Talented– Mom was always giving service.  I never knew Mom to turn down a calling in church.  Even when she questioned whether the calling was inspiration or desperation, she took the calling and served her calling to the best of her ability.  Mom was a leader, but she didn’t like to lead.  She preferred to be among the supporting cast.  As a young girl I remember going with mom down to the church for the quilting bee and watch all the gray haired ladies in the ward sew quilt after quilt for others.  I also remember the  many phone conversations mom would have with those members of the ward and her friends checking in on them and making sure that they were OK.  But my mother’s favorite act of service was when she was working with children.  She played the piano for a number of years at Forbes elementary school for the different grades.  There was many a class program where you would see mom sitting at the piano playing the patriotic or fun songs that the kids were singing too.  Her favorite church calling was the pianist for the primary.  A calling that she had for 24 years.  She loved playing the piano for the primary kids.  She always said she felt the spirit the strongest when the primary kids were singing.  Mom also spent countless hours in service to her family.  She was always asking us what can I do for you, or she would send you a check in the mail at times when you thought you weren’t going to be able to make ends meet.  Mom always knew and wanted to make sure that her kids were OK. 

Nature lover – Mom wasn’t your tree hugging, granola eating, camp out in the forest nature lover.  Mom was the savor the beauty nature lover.  She loved sitting on her patio looking at her flowers.  Randy and Kim got her hooked on bird watching.  Once she got the bug it was all over from there.  Her back yard was the home of at least three if not four different bird feeders and she would spend hours watching the birds that came to feed.   She always had a pair of binoculars and a bird book sitting on the kitchen counter so that when a new bird would land on her feeder she could look it up and learn all about them.  She loved it when the Nazuli  buntings would come.  Mom was always so worried when she would run out of food for the birds.  I’d tease her that she loved her birds more than her family and she would say they don’t sass.

Beautiful/Elegant/Well Mannered – My mom was a knock out.  But her beauty wasn’t only skin deep.  Mom was beautiful inside and out.  She held herself with dignity and took pride in herself.  She always used good manners and was the first to call you out if you weren’t using your manners.  No elbows on the table, how to set a table properly, saying thank you and please, acting the way a lady should act.  She always would find a way to teach all of us proper manners.  Mom was always put together.  On one occasion I was watching mom get ready for the day and asked her why she always put her makeup on first thing in the morning and she looked and me and told me that her mother always did it and that if you got yourself ready first thing in the morning you were ready for the day and any visitor that may stop by.  I’m not so good at that one.  I do brush my hair when I wake up but make up – not so much.  Sorry Paul.

Straightforward/unconditional love/forgiving – My mom had this amazing ability to love you no matter what mistake you made.  Don’t get me wrong, as her family can attest, if you messed up or you disappointed her she would let you know.  You always knew where you stood with mom.  But even when she was laying it on you how disappointed she was she would never leave the conversation with you feeling bad.  She would let you have it, tell you how or suggest ways to fix it, and then tell you how much she loved you and how much potential she saw in you.  Mom didn’t hold a grudge.  Her ability to forgive and forget astounds me.  If she would get her feelings hurt, and I know it happened a lot, she didn’t dwell on it.  She would just say it’s water off a ducks back and move on. 

Family – Family meant everything to mom.  She loved her children, her grandchildren and her great great grandchildren with all her heart.   Her greatest pleasures came when the family would come to visit.  I would call her everyday and part of our daily conversations was her telling me about who had stopped by, called or sent her a card.  Mom had what we all called her brag wall.  Every picture she got from the family went up on the wall and she would point out the latest and greatest additions to her wall.  Mom also had pictures of family in every room of her house.  As she got older and didn’t like moving around as much she would spend hours sitting in her green chair looking at her family on the wall.  Family brought her joy.  Mom’s greatest fear was that after she was gone we as a family would fall apart and stop seeing each other.  She used to complain to me about how the siblings never talked to each other and if it wasn’t for her telling us what was going on in each other’s lives we would never know.  We as a family have to commit to making sure our legacy as descendants of Ira and Gwendolyn Taylor lives on.  That we don’t lose touch and we stay connected.  If not, we may find ourselves being haunted by a sweet little lady that we all know and love.

Counselor – My mom was the best listener there was.  I don’t think there is one of us in this family who hasn’t bent mom’s ear with our problems.  We all knew that we could go to her and talk about anything.  That’s what I loved most about her.  I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me, or get mad at me. She would just listen and help you work through whatever it was and if she didn’t have the answers she would tell you, but she wouldn’t dismiss you, she would just let you know that she loved you .   She helped me through rough times.  She was our shoulder to cry on so many times.

Our Rock and Our Example – I don’t know about the rest of the family, but for me she was my rock.  She was the person I looked to to give me strength, to find courage to carry on, to look at trials and diversity and find a way to grow from them.    She never let her challenges or her trials define her.  She stayed true to her faith, lived righteously and never questioned her testimony.  My mom had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  She loved the Gospel, she loved her Savior and she relied on him and her Heavenly Father through some tremendously tough challenges.  No matter the trial she always knew that her Heavenly Father was there.  For that I am grateful.  I’m grateful for the foundation in the gospel that my mother and father instilled in me.  I’m grateful that she made sure I went to church each week, that I saw her pay her tithing and saw her receive the blessings that come from it.  I’m grateful for my time with Mom.  Even though I am extremely jealous of the bonds that my brothers have together and all that they have.  I wouldn’t trade any of it for the time that I had with my mom.  I am going to miss her so much.   

Last week  when we knew things weren’t looking good and I knew that my days with Mom were few.  I was feeling particularly overwhelmed with sadness.  I walked out her back door and found myself walking along the back of the yard looking at her lilies and the words of a primary song came into my mind.  This song says it all for me.  I often go walking in meadows of clover and I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.  I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over, dear mother all flowers remind me of you.    Mom, whenever I look at my lilies or my roses my thoughts will be of you.  I love you!

This is a picture of my mom when she was younger.  My cowgirl mom!  I love this picture!

This week although I struggle to be grateful for anything I feel I need to be grateful because gratitude brings happiness and I want to be happy.  So this week I am grateful for my husband Paul, my daughter Morgan, my son Taylor, and for my Mom.  Without each of them I wouldn't be who I am today.  I love them all very much.  I'm also grateful for answered prayers.  Although I hurt, I'm grateful Heavenly Father listened and answered my humble prayers over the past two weeks.

Alone

When someone dies family and friends come from far and wide to give you love and support as you go through the process of laying your loved one to rest.  Their love and support is what keeps you going.   That’s how it was when we lost Taylor.  Our wonderful bishop and my brother and sister and Paul’s dad came and were there with us as we tried to wrap our heads around the shock of losing Taylor.  Once the word got out, our families all came over, our friends came over, neighbors came over there was just this overwhelming amount of love and support.  There was always someone there.  There to make sure we ate, that we got sleep, they went with us to make funeral arrangements, and they helped us write his obituary.  We talked, we laughed they loved us and gave us all the support that we needed to get through. 

Once the funeral was over it was time for everyone to get back to their everyday lives.  They had to go to work, and they had their own lives to go back to.  The silence that filled our house was deafening.  It was just Paul, Morgan and I.  Nobody was there to take our minds off of what was happening.  It was just us sitting on the couch feeling like we were living in a dream and that eventually we would wake up.  As the days and weeks went by we would have someone stop by just to see how we were and to let us know that they were thinking about us.  As the months have passed our visitors have become less and less.  Sometimes I feel like I am all alone.  That everyone has moved on.  I keep feeling like everyone thinks I’m supposed to be ok, that I should be ready to tackle the world and see life through rose colored glasses.  But I don’t feel ok and I’m not ready.  Life still sucks. 

Now we are coming up to the one year mark and I am sitting here reflecting and wishing that all those who were so eager to be with us those first few days were here with us now.  I’m terrified of what next week will hold for us.  But they won’t be there.  Their lives have gone on.  They have family vacations, work, life to live, families to raise, and being around us isn’t in their plans.  I’m not writing this to make them feel guilty.  I’m writing this as a way to express my fear.  I know that life goes on and that they shouldn’t feel the need to be by our side to help us through this.  This is our journey and this is our trial to face.

 I know that is selfish on my part and I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.   I feel so alone.  I seriously don’t know if I can face next week.  I know what it’s been like every day for the last year.  It’s been awful.  It hurts so bad, it feels like it will never stop hurting.  And now we are coming up to Taylor’s birthday and the anniversary of his death and I truly don’t know how I am supposed to get through this.  I pray for strength but I don’t feel strong.  I pray for courage but I don’t feel courageous.  I wish we didn’t have to go through this.  I wish that this trial had passed us by.  I wish someone would have surprised us with a week full of activities scheduled that would have kept us so busy that we didn’t have time to think.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But as my mother would say, “If wishes were fishes we’d all have a fry.”  They are just wishes and not reality.  We do have to go through this.  I do have to be strong.  I do have to find courage to get through.  I have to face this trial and find the faith to get through it.  We as a family have to figure out a way to get through next week.  I guess I will just take it one minute, one hour and one day and one tear at a time just like I have been trying to do for the last year.   Together our little family will find courage and strength in each other.  HOPEFULLY we will find ways to laugh and to love and to remember happier times with Taylor and not be overwhelmed with the sadness we are feeling.   Together we will plan activities to keep us busy and focus on something other than sadness.  Together we will make it.  Together we will be strong.

Deep in my heart I know I am not alone.  I know that I have an army of family and friends who will be there for me.  I know that I have a loving Savior and Heavenly Father who are always with me.  I know that I have a husband and daughter and a son who are there for me.   I know all this to be true.  Even when you know you are not alone, you can still feel that way and that is how I feel this week.  Hopefully there are better days to come.

Last week I had a song in my head that helps me.  This week I have the choruses of two songs running through my head.  The first one is from the band Fun and the song is called Carry on.  The lyric to the Chorus is this:

If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone,

Carry on

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and

Carry on

‘Cause we are

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we’re miles away

So we’ll come, we will find out way home.

The other song is from Rodney Atkins and it’s called If you’re Going Through Hell.  I love this song.  I’ve been singing it for a number of years.  Here is the chorus and my favorite verse:

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down; if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re going through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet

The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long

You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’

Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down; if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re going through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I am eternally grateful to everyone who has been there for me and my family.  They are a lifeline that we so desperately need.  A tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father to let us know that we are loved and thought of and that he is aware of us.  So many wonderful friends, people who I didn’t expect to reach out have.    I don’t for one minute want to minimize all that they have done and do.  I love them dearly.  I’m just having a pity party this week.

Meh...

This week has been a struggle for me.  I've just been feeling rather Meh.  So instead of filling my post with my thoughts since I'm feeling meh, I thought I would share a post from Kid President.  I truly believe that if we took to heart and applied the stuff that this young man talks about into our lives the world would be a better place.

This week I am grateful for the song Happy by Pharrell Williams.  Whenever I find myself in a dark place I think of this song and it helps me.  I have found that I have this song pop into my head at least two or three times a day and there have been times when I have to sing it over and over in my head just to clear the gloom.  If you haven't heard it, here it is.  Maybe it will help you too.

Girls Night!!!

This week started out rough but ended on a high note.  The first of the week was the birthday of one of Taylor’s childhood friends.  The two of them grew up together and when I saw the birthday wishes posted on Facebook once again the realization hit me that Taylor won’t be here this year for his birthday and that was just one more reminder of what I don’t have.  Then it just kept spiraling from there.  Tuesday night I thought for sure I was having a panic attack.  I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, and had to struggle to breath, my legs were shaking and I just felt like I was out of control.  I kept trying to breathe slowly and calm myself down before Paul noticed.  I did a pretty good job too. We went for a ride and as he ran into run an errand I remember looking up to the sky and just bawling pleading and saying I just can’t do this.  I’m not strong enough.  This load I am forced to carry is too much.  Please Father help me.  I remember sitting there with the top down in the car crying and praying.  After a little bit my tears slowed and I felt some peace and calm come back over me.  I was able to breathe again and I knew it was because of the help from my Father in Heaven.  I am so grateful that I can pray and he is there.

After that the rest of my week went ok.  I only had a couple of melt downs but nothing so bad that I couldn’t get control.  Then came Friday!  Friday was a night that Morgan and I have been looking forward to for a long time.  It was girl’s night.  We had tickets to go see Tyler Ward.  If you haven’t heard of him look him up on YouTube.  He is great!  Morgan bought the tickets months ago and she and I along with her cousin and one of her best friends headed out for some female bonding.

The concert took place that this funky garage called Kirby Court.  Picture if you can an old garage built in the 20’s, I’m sure, and that has been converted into a concert venue.  The stage was only about 12-14 inches above the floor.  It’s standing room only and holds about 200 people.  Oh and there was no air conditioning.  The temp in that garage was HOT!  Everyone was melting.  If it had been any other artist I may have been nervous about the location but Tyler Ward’s crowd is good and somewhat wholesome.  I’m very impressed with him.  In a world where music artists are trying to push the envelope for the shock factor, Tyler is just the opposite.  He doesn’t swear and he changes the lyrics to the cover songs he does and replaces the questionable language with something clean.  Morgan has been listening to him for a long time and got me hooked on him last year.    This concert was the most fun we have had in I don’t know how long.  It was so nice to watch Morgan smile and swoon and jump up and down.  I have to admit if I was in the early 20 something crowd again he would make me swoon.  He is a cutie and he seems genuine as well.  We all sang along to his songs and danced it was so fun.  I have to admit I may have been one of the oldest fans there, but that’s ok.  It was well worth it.  It was fun to pretend that life was carefree and fun like it was when I was twenty.  After the concert he told the crowd that if you bought something he would meet up with you and sign it.  So of course that was done because you got to get an autograph.    When Tyler came out of his motor home and started signing the shirts etc for each of his fans that stuck around he was genuine with each one of them and thanked them for coming and supporting him.  Then it came our turn.  Morgan bought a poster and a shirt, but Tyler would only sign one thing so she asked me to have him sign her poster and her cousin Sarah held her friend Shalynn’s poster so that she could get it signed along with her shirt.  When Tyler got to me I asked him how many old mothers come to his concerts and sing to his songs.  He just looked and me and said “Awww that is so awesome.”  He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and said thank you.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  What a nice kid.  Morgan got a hug too and I told him he had permission to marry her.  He smiled at her and said…I’m interested.  I thought Morgan would die.  Sarah and Shalynn all managed a hug with their signatures so these four ladies did all right for one night.

I’ve been to concerts before, but this was the first one where I was so close to the artist that you could see his emotions and you felt like you were part of the music.  It was also the first artist who I have ever had the opportunity to meet and have a conversation with.  Sure he is not a super famous artist you hear on the radio everyday but he is still an artist and one who appreciates the people who buy his music and lets them know it.  It was definitely a night I won’t be forgetting.  It was a lot of fun!

Its nights like these that I am grateful for the fun times that Morgan and I have together.  I thanked her for letting me tag along and she was like no way mom you weren’t tagging I wanted you to come it was so fun.  How many other mother’s can say that their daughter likes to have them go to concerts with them.  This concert was some much needed balm for both of us.  It gave us a chance to just let our hair down and get caught up in the moment and forget for a couple of hours what we are dealing with every day.  The loneliness and sadness that haunts us gave us a much needed break.  For that I am grateful.   

This was also the first time that after I had fun I didn’t feel guilty.  Usually after I have a good time I feel guilty thinking that Taylor will think I don’t miss him and that I’ve forgotten about him.  But I didn’t feel that after the concert.  I felt content.  I had a good time with Morgan, Sarah and Shalynn and we laughed and danced and it was good.  I still miss Taylor and I haven’t forgotten him and I know I never will.  But this experience helped me to see that it is ok to have fun and I don’t have to feel guilty.  Morgan, Paul and my friend have been telling me that it was ok and that Taylor wouldn’t want us to feel bad when we have fun and that he would want us to go out and have fun.  That was the kind of kid he was.  He wanted people to laugh and have fun and not be sad, but I still felt like I was being unloyal to him.  But driving home I think I finally came to the point in my learning to move forward to understand what Paul and Morgan were saying and I finally feel ready to let myself have fun when I can.  Fun and not feel guilty about it and know that Taylor would want me to.   I know this is a work in progress but it is definitely a step in moving forward. 

This week I am grateful for concerts in sketchy dives with amazing people who I love.  I’m grateful for good music that makes you want to sing and dance.  I’m grateful that my daughter is also one of my best friends and that together we get to have some pretty great adventures.  I’m also grateful for Tyler Ward who was able to make this night happen. 

 

Memorial Day

Of all the holidays that I have had to deal with I really didn’t think Memorial Day would be that big of a deal in my grieving cycle.  I thought I could just do what we do every year and nothing would be different.  Well I was wrong.  I started to worry about the long weekend before it even got here.  My head was so full of sadness that I thought crap, how am I going to make it through the weekend if this is how I feel on the Monday before.  So I sat the clan down and we decided to have a BBQ at our house on Sunday.  Since Sundays are notoriously my hardest day of the week.  We invited some family that we haven’t seen in a while and they were all excited to get together.  We decided to make the BBQ last as long as everyone wanted to stay.  We got up early and went down to put flowers on the graves of those family members that we have lost early on Sunday and then headed home to get ready for the family.  Family started to arrive shortly after we got home.  There were so many fun people there and I was so busy that my mind didn’t have a chance to wander to those dark places.  It was nice to be with family that you love and know are always there for you.  We sat around and played cards and ate a lot of good food.  It was such a nice day.  I remember going to bed thinking, is it possible to do this every Sunday so I don’t have time to think? I know it isn’t, but it would definitely be grand if we could. 

Then came Monday….  I woke up feeling kind of Meh..  Just a feeling that things were off and I didn’t quite know why.  We had been invited to a mid day BBQ with family, but I just didn’t feel like being social.  I just felt  Meh.  Then at about 12:00 I had this thought come into my mind.  We need to go and have a picnic on Taylor’s grass.  Now this is a rather ironic thought for me to have because I’ve been going to cemeteries for years and to me it has always been a place where you go and put flowers on a grave.  I have never felt anything remotely peaceful when I have been at the cemetery.  I have also been known to poke fun at people who do.  I always said, why would you want to go and have a picnic at the cemetery,  they aren’t there.  Well now I get to eat those words because the feeling just kept getting stronger and stronger.   When I took my idea to Morgan and Paul they were like yeah, we need to do that.  So around 4:00 we loaded up the truck with blankets, chairs, umbrellas and a little table and headed to Taylor’s favorite burger joint  (OK it’s the families favorite burger joint too) In & Out.  We ordered us some burgers and fries and headed up to Taylor’s grass.  The minute I stepped out of the car I had a calmness come over me.  It was just a feeling that this is where we needed to be.  Our good friends came and joined us and we just sat there next to Taylor eating his favorite food and playing Taylor’s favorite card games and it felt like Taylor was right there hanging out with us.  We got some funny looks  from others  who came into the cemetery, but I didn’t mind.  We would just smile and wave.  This is where we were supposed to be.  Morgan said it best.  She said I feel whole here and she was right.  I felt whole there too.  So I owe an apology to all those out there who go to have picnics in the grass with the people they love.  I am sorry I ever poked fun at you.  I now see why you come.  I know I am going to continue to do this for a very long time.  I even think that we are going to start a new Memorial Day tradition.  Picnics with Taylor on his grass. 

It’s been eleven months today.  Eleven months since I’ve seen his face.  Eleven months since I’ve heard his laugh.  Eleven months since I’ve had a text from him.  Eleven months without an I love you momma.  Eleven months without a big warm hug.   I don’t want to forget his face, his laugh, the sound of his voice.  I don’t want to forget the way his hugs felt.  I don’t want to forget laughing at his silly theories about how big foot is real, and mermaids are real, or bantering back and forth about ghosts and conspiracy theories.   I’m afraid as each month passes and then the years start passing those memories and times we had will become weaker and weaker until I don’t remember anymore and that scares me.  I’ve forgotten what my dad’s voice sounded like and I struggle to picture him in a memory that isn’t associated to a picture.   I don’t want that to happen with Taylor.  I can’t let that happen with Taylor.  But I don’t know how to do it.  Looking back you never imagine that you are going to lose someone you love.  Right now I wish I had a video of everything we ever did 24 hours day for the 24 years that he was here.  Then I could just replay the videos back and his voice and his mannerisms would never fade.  The fun times he and Morgan shared would never fade.   The Father/son bonding  memories would never fade.  The memories would always be ready for playback anytime I needed them.  But I wasn’t that smart.  I was just like everyone else.  Documenting the big things with pictures until life gets too busy and then the picture taking starts becoming less and less consistent to the point where you go, why didn’t we take a picture from that trip to the lake or from that family game night.  We just get too busy and now all I have are those few videos and the pictures that I remembered to take to help me keep him with me.  It doesn’t seem like enough and that scares me.   So I am open to any and all suggestions on how to not let the memories fade. 

This week I am grateful for picnics in the grass at the cemetery.  I’m grateful for the spirit that directed me to do this.  I’m grateful for the peace that I felt and I am grateful for the peace and comfort that my family felt.  I’m grateful for good friends and family.  Once again where would we be without them!  I’m grateful for my memories and I’m grateful that I have a husband and daughter who will help keep the memories alive.  I’m also grateful that I have a husband and daughter and that we can make new memories with Taylor.  Memories that we can cherish forever and ever!

Headstone

This week has been full of emotions.  This week has probably been as hard as the first few weeks without Taylor.  The difference was this week I wasn’t numb.

Those first days and weeks following Taylor’s death, I was kind of numb.  I went through the motions but it all felt like a dream.  I walked through the days doing what was expected of me never really seeing, feeling or hearing what was going on.  Friends, family, and my loving Heavenly Father filled our home each and every day with love and comfort and in a sense I felt it, but the reality of it was I wasn’t even there.  I know that that was my body’s way of coping with all that was going on and keeping me from having my own padded cell in the psych ward.  But a lot of that first week after losing Taylor is a blur of fuzzy memories.

This week we were finally able to meet with a friend of my brothers to plan out and design Taylor’s headstone.  This is something that I have felt like we needed to do for some time, but our circumstances didn’t warrant us the ability to do it.  So I was grateful that we were finally able to get this process started for Taylor.  The hard part was that this is one of the final things that we have to do for Taylor.  This makes it all real in the earthly sense.  I didn’t realize how emotionally hard this was going to be.  Not only is this the means to an end but it is also a living monument to my son, something that is going to live on this earth longer than me.  That overwhelmed me.  I can’t mess this up.  This is it.  I have to make sure this represents all that was my son so that anyone walking by his headstone will know this is Taylor and this is who he was.  How do you put on a stone all that one man is?  He was smart, funny, kind, compassionate, loving, thoughtful, witty, talented, spiritual, and athletic, he loved deeply and passionately.  How do you put all of that into a headstone? 

I spent most of the day Wednesday pouring over photos of Taylor.  Looking at his smile, and looking at pictures from vacations and competitions that filled me with so much sadness,  sadness because we were never going to be able to experience and see him do these things again.  The hurt was almost unbearable. 

On Thursday I woke up realizing that tonight was the night, the night that I had to start the process.  All the emotions and feelings that I felt during that first week flooded back the immense loss, the shock the fear, and the panic.  I bawled all the way home from work.  Could I really do this?  How was I going to get through this meeting without losing it?  I had to pull myself together.  I didn’t do a very good job of it though.  I was so anxious that I took my fears and sadness out on Paul and Morgan but as usual they left me vent and be frustrated and they stayed calm and remained the strong ones.  I knew that they were both hurting as much about this as I was but they were the rocks that kept me together.   When we got to my brothers house I felt like I was walking into the mortuary all over again getting ready to plan Taylor’s final arrangements.  My stomach was so upset I had to excuse myself, just like at the mortuary.  Every word that was said, every question that was asked felt just like it did at the mortuary and just like at the mortuary I just sat there staring straight ahead trying to breathe and keep it together while Paul and Morgan made all the decisions and laid it all out. My brother and sister-in-law were sitting at the table just like before silently giving me strength, strength that I so desperately needed.   And just like at the mortuary, I failed Taylor.  Pure and simple I wasn’t strong enough.   Once again I was an emotional wreck.  Why is it always Paul and Morgan that can hold it together?  I know Morgan is hurting so much.  Taylor was her best friend.  She is feeling so lost without him, but yet she is able to suck up the tears and make the decisions that need to be made.  Paul hurts to, he and Taylor had shared some amazing times together and he misses his son so much.  But through all their sadness they were able to put our vision across and make it be exactly what I had hoped it would be.  I kept thinking this can’t be real, I can’t be doing this.  This is just a terrible nightmare that I just want to wake up from.  I’m going to wake up and Taylor will be on the couch like he always was and I’ll tell him about my dream and he will laugh and say oh, momma you are a worry wart.  The only problem is this isn’t a sleeping nightmare; this is an eyes wide open reality nightmare.    He’s gone and he isn’t coming back.  He isn’t going to be sitting on the couch.  The other difference is that this time there isn’t family and friends filling our home with love and comfort.  There is no one here talking to us and taking our minds off the reality.  It’s just the three of us, each of us processing and dealing with this in our own way finding strength from one and other.   

The crusade of mourning Taylor isn’t over.  I’m not sure if it ever will be.  Life will never be normal again.  I just have to figure out how to make my own normal.  It’s going to be interesting trying  to find normal but  I guess I don’t have much of a choice, I’m kind of stuck on this crusade whether I want it or not.  I do know that I can’t look back.  I can’t change the past.  I have to look forward in faith and rely on Heavenly Father and my family to help me move forward. 

So once again this week I am grateful for family.  Really what would we do without them?  They bring us strength, they make us laugh, they have our backs, and they share our burdens even when they don’t really want to.  What a wonderful gift from Heavenly Father.  Families simple precious and eternal.    

Weekends

I hate weekends.  I know it really weird to say, but I hate them.  I didn’t used to hate them; in fact I quite enjoyed them.  Now it’s all changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that I don’t have to go to work.  It’s everything else I loathe.

Last weekend was Mother’s Day.  The word that best describes my day is craptastic.  It was a mixture of happiness and crappiness.  I dreaded Mother’s Day just like I dread almost every holiday since Taylor’s been gone.  Just another holiday where I’m supposed to smile and pretend like everything is normal.  Ha, nothing is normal anymore.  I woke up Sunday feeling a bit melancholy.  Morgan and Paul had gone out on Saturday night and bought me some beautiful flowers and Morgan made sure that they were out on the kitchen counter when I walked into the room.  She also bought me this super cute lantern with patriotic stars and pretty lights to put on the fireplace mantle.  It made me feel so special to know that they were thinking of me.  We went to church just like every other week except this week the primary kids were singing in sacrament meeting.  Singing about Mom’s and all that jazz, all I kept thinking was I’m missing a child today.  I’m only half of a mom today.  It was too much.  I had to leave, but I couldn’t go home.  I had to get up and leave the room.  I barely made it to my classroom before the tears started.   I sat there and cried.  I couldn’t make it through Sacrament Meeting either.   I couldn’t handle sitting there hearing talks about Moms and songs about moms when I felt like I was going to explode inside.  We went home and I put on my happy face and we went down to visit my mom.  We took her some dinner and visited for a couple of hours.  It was nice to be with her.  That was part of the happy.  Then we went to the cemetery to put flowers on Paul’s mother’s grave which is right across from Taylor’s.  I kept looking over at my son and wishing with all of my heart that he was there.  That I could hug him and tell him how much he means to me.  When we got home we were watching some movies and during the shows the darkness just got heavier and heavier to the point that I didn’t know what I was going to do and just when the darkness was about to take over I had a thought come to mind that I needed to open the Mother’s Day cards that Paul and Morgan had left on the counter.  As I opened each card and read the message on the card and the notes that Paul and Morgan had written in them I was filled with so much love that the darkness went away.  I cried and cried but they weren’t sad tears, they were happy tears.  I am going to keep those cards close to me always so that when I feel like a crappy mom and wife I can open them up and read the special notes that were written just for me.   I am blessed to have a husband and daughter who know just what I need and a Heavenly Father who is aware of me and helps me.

This weekend there is not a holiday but it’s still a time I dread.  Saturday’s give me too much time to think, too much time alone.  Paul will be busy doing his Saturday list of honey dos and Morgan will be at work or with friends so that leaves me alone with my thoughts and my memories.  Every room has a memory or a feeling.  I try to keep busy but even doing the cleaning makes me sad.  Laundry makes me sad.  I sort the clothes and there isn’t anything of Taylor’s in the pile.  I don’t finish the dishes only to see Taylor go and make him a snack or a drink and dirty more dishes.   Usually on Saturday’s Taylor would be sitting on the couch watching a movie or something and we would sit and talk about stuff.  Nothing big but we would talk.  I think back now and wish I had recorded all of them just so I could hear his voice. 

Sunday’s are worse than Saturday’s.  Every Sunday it’s like losing him again.  The memories of that Sunday morning are forever etched in my mind.  It doesn’t matter what I am doing or where I am when 10:30 comes I know and I remember.  I remember walking into the living room laughing because once again Taylor had slept through his alarm and was going to be late for church.  I remember reaching out and touching his shoulder to shake him awake but he won’t wake up and then the realization that something is wrong, something is terribly wrong.  The whole day plays back in my mind every Sunday.  No matter what I do it happens.  I am hopeful that with time the sad memories and the scary memories will dim and I will be able to make it through a weekend without feeling anxious and alone even when I’m in a room full of people I love. 

As I was driving to work today and thinking on how another weekend is almost here.  I was listening to my scriptures and I had a realization.  I need to pray more.  When Taylor first died I was praying all the time and I was receiving the comfort that I needed.  It didn’t take the pain away, but it helped ease the pain and helped take away the darkness.  As the months have gone by I still pray but not the same way or as often, I keep feeling like I should have this under control, that I should be able to do this on my own.  But as I was driving I felt like I needed to give this to the Lord.  I need to remember to pray to him when the darkness comes and when I feel so sad I want to die.  It was kind of like a slap to the head.  Duh Lisa, so this weekend I am going to do just that.  I am going to turn to my Heavenly Father and give this to him.  Obviously he is there for me because he made sure I had my duh moment this morning and he will be there for me this weekend.  I realized that I can’t do this alone and it’s ok.  I’m not being weak when I ask for my Heavenly Father’s help.  I am doing what he has told us to do.  That’s what the atonement is all about.  I need to keep having faith.

So this week I am grateful for Duh moments, moments when I realize the hand that my Heavenly Father is playing in my life.  How he is always looking out for me even when I don’t think that he is.    I am also grateful for my family.  Yep it’s seems to be a weekly thing, but seriously what would we do without family?  I sure love them and I am grateful that they are mine!