Weekends

I hate weekends.  I know it really weird to say, but I hate them.  I didn’t used to hate them; in fact I quite enjoyed them.  Now it’s all changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that I don’t have to go to work.  It’s everything else I loathe.

Last weekend was Mother’s Day.  The word that best describes my day is craptastic.  It was a mixture of happiness and crappiness.  I dreaded Mother’s Day just like I dread almost every holiday since Taylor’s been gone.  Just another holiday where I’m supposed to smile and pretend like everything is normal.  Ha, nothing is normal anymore.  I woke up Sunday feeling a bit melancholy.  Morgan and Paul had gone out on Saturday night and bought me some beautiful flowers and Morgan made sure that they were out on the kitchen counter when I walked into the room.  She also bought me this super cute lantern with patriotic stars and pretty lights to put on the fireplace mantle.  It made me feel so special to know that they were thinking of me.  We went to church just like every other week except this week the primary kids were singing in sacrament meeting.  Singing about Mom’s and all that jazz, all I kept thinking was I’m missing a child today.  I’m only half of a mom today.  It was too much.  I had to leave, but I couldn’t go home.  I had to get up and leave the room.  I barely made it to my classroom before the tears started.   I sat there and cried.  I couldn’t make it through Sacrament Meeting either.   I couldn’t handle sitting there hearing talks about Moms and songs about moms when I felt like I was going to explode inside.  We went home and I put on my happy face and we went down to visit my mom.  We took her some dinner and visited for a couple of hours.  It was nice to be with her.  That was part of the happy.  Then we went to the cemetery to put flowers on Paul’s mother’s grave which is right across from Taylor’s.  I kept looking over at my son and wishing with all of my heart that he was there.  That I could hug him and tell him how much he means to me.  When we got home we were watching some movies and during the shows the darkness just got heavier and heavier to the point that I didn’t know what I was going to do and just when the darkness was about to take over I had a thought come to mind that I needed to open the Mother’s Day cards that Paul and Morgan had left on the counter.  As I opened each card and read the message on the card and the notes that Paul and Morgan had written in them I was filled with so much love that the darkness went away.  I cried and cried but they weren’t sad tears, they were happy tears.  I am going to keep those cards close to me always so that when I feel like a crappy mom and wife I can open them up and read the special notes that were written just for me.   I am blessed to have a husband and daughter who know just what I need and a Heavenly Father who is aware of me and helps me.

This weekend there is not a holiday but it’s still a time I dread.  Saturday’s give me too much time to think, too much time alone.  Paul will be busy doing his Saturday list of honey dos and Morgan will be at work or with friends so that leaves me alone with my thoughts and my memories.  Every room has a memory or a feeling.  I try to keep busy but even doing the cleaning makes me sad.  Laundry makes me sad.  I sort the clothes and there isn’t anything of Taylor’s in the pile.  I don’t finish the dishes only to see Taylor go and make him a snack or a drink and dirty more dishes.   Usually on Saturday’s Taylor would be sitting on the couch watching a movie or something and we would sit and talk about stuff.  Nothing big but we would talk.  I think back now and wish I had recorded all of them just so I could hear his voice. 

Sunday’s are worse than Saturday’s.  Every Sunday it’s like losing him again.  The memories of that Sunday morning are forever etched in my mind.  It doesn’t matter what I am doing or where I am when 10:30 comes I know and I remember.  I remember walking into the living room laughing because once again Taylor had slept through his alarm and was going to be late for church.  I remember reaching out and touching his shoulder to shake him awake but he won’t wake up and then the realization that something is wrong, something is terribly wrong.  The whole day plays back in my mind every Sunday.  No matter what I do it happens.  I am hopeful that with time the sad memories and the scary memories will dim and I will be able to make it through a weekend without feeling anxious and alone even when I’m in a room full of people I love. 

As I was driving to work today and thinking on how another weekend is almost here.  I was listening to my scriptures and I had a realization.  I need to pray more.  When Taylor first died I was praying all the time and I was receiving the comfort that I needed.  It didn’t take the pain away, but it helped ease the pain and helped take away the darkness.  As the months have gone by I still pray but not the same way or as often, I keep feeling like I should have this under control, that I should be able to do this on my own.  But as I was driving I felt like I needed to give this to the Lord.  I need to remember to pray to him when the darkness comes and when I feel so sad I want to die.  It was kind of like a slap to the head.  Duh Lisa, so this weekend I am going to do just that.  I am going to turn to my Heavenly Father and give this to him.  Obviously he is there for me because he made sure I had my duh moment this morning and he will be there for me this weekend.  I realized that I can’t do this alone and it’s ok.  I’m not being weak when I ask for my Heavenly Father’s help.  I am doing what he has told us to do.  That’s what the atonement is all about.  I need to keep having faith.

So this week I am grateful for Duh moments, moments when I realize the hand that my Heavenly Father is playing in my life.  How he is always looking out for me even when I don’t think that he is.    I am also grateful for my family.  Yep it’s seems to be a weekly thing, but seriously what would we do without family?  I sure love them and I am grateful that they are mine!