Alone

When someone dies family and friends come from far and wide to give you love and support as you go through the process of laying your loved one to rest.  Their love and support is what keeps you going.   That’s how it was when we lost Taylor.  Our wonderful bishop and my brother and sister and Paul’s dad came and were there with us as we tried to wrap our heads around the shock of losing Taylor.  Once the word got out, our families all came over, our friends came over, neighbors came over there was just this overwhelming amount of love and support.  There was always someone there.  There to make sure we ate, that we got sleep, they went with us to make funeral arrangements, and they helped us write his obituary.  We talked, we laughed they loved us and gave us all the support that we needed to get through. 

Once the funeral was over it was time for everyone to get back to their everyday lives.  They had to go to work, and they had their own lives to go back to.  The silence that filled our house was deafening.  It was just Paul, Morgan and I.  Nobody was there to take our minds off of what was happening.  It was just us sitting on the couch feeling like we were living in a dream and that eventually we would wake up.  As the days and weeks went by we would have someone stop by just to see how we were and to let us know that they were thinking about us.  As the months have passed our visitors have become less and less.  Sometimes I feel like I am all alone.  That everyone has moved on.  I keep feeling like everyone thinks I’m supposed to be ok, that I should be ready to tackle the world and see life through rose colored glasses.  But I don’t feel ok and I’m not ready.  Life still sucks. 

Now we are coming up to the one year mark and I am sitting here reflecting and wishing that all those who were so eager to be with us those first few days were here with us now.  I’m terrified of what next week will hold for us.  But they won’t be there.  Their lives have gone on.  They have family vacations, work, life to live, families to raise, and being around us isn’t in their plans.  I’m not writing this to make them feel guilty.  I’m writing this as a way to express my fear.  I know that life goes on and that they shouldn’t feel the need to be by our side to help us through this.  This is our journey and this is our trial to face.

 I know that is selfish on my part and I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.   I feel so alone.  I seriously don’t know if I can face next week.  I know what it’s been like every day for the last year.  It’s been awful.  It hurts so bad, it feels like it will never stop hurting.  And now we are coming up to Taylor’s birthday and the anniversary of his death and I truly don’t know how I am supposed to get through this.  I pray for strength but I don’t feel strong.  I pray for courage but I don’t feel courageous.  I wish we didn’t have to go through this.  I wish that this trial had passed us by.  I wish someone would have surprised us with a week full of activities scheduled that would have kept us so busy that we didn’t have time to think.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But as my mother would say, “If wishes were fishes we’d all have a fry.”  They are just wishes and not reality.  We do have to go through this.  I do have to be strong.  I do have to find courage to get through.  I have to face this trial and find the faith to get through it.  We as a family have to figure out a way to get through next week.  I guess I will just take it one minute, one hour and one day and one tear at a time just like I have been trying to do for the last year.   Together our little family will find courage and strength in each other.  HOPEFULLY we will find ways to laugh and to love and to remember happier times with Taylor and not be overwhelmed with the sadness we are feeling.   Together we will plan activities to keep us busy and focus on something other than sadness.  Together we will make it.  Together we will be strong.

Deep in my heart I know I am not alone.  I know that I have an army of family and friends who will be there for me.  I know that I have a loving Savior and Heavenly Father who are always with me.  I know that I have a husband and daughter and a son who are there for me.   I know all this to be true.  Even when you know you are not alone, you can still feel that way and that is how I feel this week.  Hopefully there are better days to come.

Last week I had a song in my head that helps me.  This week I have the choruses of two songs running through my head.  The first one is from the band Fun and the song is called Carry on.  The lyric to the Chorus is this:

If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone,

Carry on

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and

Carry on

‘Cause we are

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we’re miles away

So we’ll come, we will find out way home.

The other song is from Rodney Atkins and it’s called If you’re Going Through Hell.  I love this song.  I’ve been singing it for a number of years.  Here is the chorus and my favorite verse:

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down; if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re going through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holdin’ out a hand to pull you back up on your feet

The one’s that you’ve been draggin’ for so long

You’re on your knees might as well be prayin’

Guess what I’m sayin’

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down; if you’re scared don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

When you’re going through hell keep on movin’

Face that fire walk right through it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there

I am eternally grateful to everyone who has been there for me and my family.  They are a lifeline that we so desperately need.  A tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father to let us know that we are loved and thought of and that he is aware of us.  So many wonderful friends, people who I didn’t expect to reach out have.    I don’t for one minute want to minimize all that they have done and do.  I love them dearly.  I’m just having a pity party this week.

Meh...

This week has been a struggle for me.  I've just been feeling rather Meh.  So instead of filling my post with my thoughts since I'm feeling meh, I thought I would share a post from Kid President.  I truly believe that if we took to heart and applied the stuff that this young man talks about into our lives the world would be a better place.

This week I am grateful for the song Happy by Pharrell Williams.  Whenever I find myself in a dark place I think of this song and it helps me.  I have found that I have this song pop into my head at least two or three times a day and there have been times when I have to sing it over and over in my head just to clear the gloom.  If you haven't heard it, here it is.  Maybe it will help you too.

Girls Night!!!

This week started out rough but ended on a high note.  The first of the week was the birthday of one of Taylor’s childhood friends.  The two of them grew up together and when I saw the birthday wishes posted on Facebook once again the realization hit me that Taylor won’t be here this year for his birthday and that was just one more reminder of what I don’t have.  Then it just kept spiraling from there.  Tuesday night I thought for sure I was having a panic attack.  I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, and had to struggle to breath, my legs were shaking and I just felt like I was out of control.  I kept trying to breathe slowly and calm myself down before Paul noticed.  I did a pretty good job too. We went for a ride and as he ran into run an errand I remember looking up to the sky and just bawling pleading and saying I just can’t do this.  I’m not strong enough.  This load I am forced to carry is too much.  Please Father help me.  I remember sitting there with the top down in the car crying and praying.  After a little bit my tears slowed and I felt some peace and calm come back over me.  I was able to breathe again and I knew it was because of the help from my Father in Heaven.  I am so grateful that I can pray and he is there.

After that the rest of my week went ok.  I only had a couple of melt downs but nothing so bad that I couldn’t get control.  Then came Friday!  Friday was a night that Morgan and I have been looking forward to for a long time.  It was girl’s night.  We had tickets to go see Tyler Ward.  If you haven’t heard of him look him up on YouTube.  He is great!  Morgan bought the tickets months ago and she and I along with her cousin and one of her best friends headed out for some female bonding.

The concert took place that this funky garage called Kirby Court.  Picture if you can an old garage built in the 20’s, I’m sure, and that has been converted into a concert venue.  The stage was only about 12-14 inches above the floor.  It’s standing room only and holds about 200 people.  Oh and there was no air conditioning.  The temp in that garage was HOT!  Everyone was melting.  If it had been any other artist I may have been nervous about the location but Tyler Ward’s crowd is good and somewhat wholesome.  I’m very impressed with him.  In a world where music artists are trying to push the envelope for the shock factor, Tyler is just the opposite.  He doesn’t swear and he changes the lyrics to the cover songs he does and replaces the questionable language with something clean.  Morgan has been listening to him for a long time and got me hooked on him last year.    This concert was the most fun we have had in I don’t know how long.  It was so nice to watch Morgan smile and swoon and jump up and down.  I have to admit if I was in the early 20 something crowd again he would make me swoon.  He is a cutie and he seems genuine as well.  We all sang along to his songs and danced it was so fun.  I have to admit I may have been one of the oldest fans there, but that’s ok.  It was well worth it.  It was fun to pretend that life was carefree and fun like it was when I was twenty.  After the concert he told the crowd that if you bought something he would meet up with you and sign it.  So of course that was done because you got to get an autograph.    When Tyler came out of his motor home and started signing the shirts etc for each of his fans that stuck around he was genuine with each one of them and thanked them for coming and supporting him.  Then it came our turn.  Morgan bought a poster and a shirt, but Tyler would only sign one thing so she asked me to have him sign her poster and her cousin Sarah held her friend Shalynn’s poster so that she could get it signed along with her shirt.  When Tyler got to me I asked him how many old mothers come to his concerts and sing to his songs.  He just looked and me and said “Awww that is so awesome.”  He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and said thank you.  To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  What a nice kid.  Morgan got a hug too and I told him he had permission to marry her.  He smiled at her and said…I’m interested.  I thought Morgan would die.  Sarah and Shalynn all managed a hug with their signatures so these four ladies did all right for one night.

I’ve been to concerts before, but this was the first one where I was so close to the artist that you could see his emotions and you felt like you were part of the music.  It was also the first artist who I have ever had the opportunity to meet and have a conversation with.  Sure he is not a super famous artist you hear on the radio everyday but he is still an artist and one who appreciates the people who buy his music and lets them know it.  It was definitely a night I won’t be forgetting.  It was a lot of fun!

Its nights like these that I am grateful for the fun times that Morgan and I have together.  I thanked her for letting me tag along and she was like no way mom you weren’t tagging I wanted you to come it was so fun.  How many other mother’s can say that their daughter likes to have them go to concerts with them.  This concert was some much needed balm for both of us.  It gave us a chance to just let our hair down and get caught up in the moment and forget for a couple of hours what we are dealing with every day.  The loneliness and sadness that haunts us gave us a much needed break.  For that I am grateful.   

This was also the first time that after I had fun I didn’t feel guilty.  Usually after I have a good time I feel guilty thinking that Taylor will think I don’t miss him and that I’ve forgotten about him.  But I didn’t feel that after the concert.  I felt content.  I had a good time with Morgan, Sarah and Shalynn and we laughed and danced and it was good.  I still miss Taylor and I haven’t forgotten him and I know I never will.  But this experience helped me to see that it is ok to have fun and I don’t have to feel guilty.  Morgan, Paul and my friend have been telling me that it was ok and that Taylor wouldn’t want us to feel bad when we have fun and that he would want us to go out and have fun.  That was the kind of kid he was.  He wanted people to laugh and have fun and not be sad, but I still felt like I was being unloyal to him.  But driving home I think I finally came to the point in my learning to move forward to understand what Paul and Morgan were saying and I finally feel ready to let myself have fun when I can.  Fun and not feel guilty about it and know that Taylor would want me to.   I know this is a work in progress but it is definitely a step in moving forward. 

This week I am grateful for concerts in sketchy dives with amazing people who I love.  I’m grateful for good music that makes you want to sing and dance.  I’m grateful that my daughter is also one of my best friends and that together we get to have some pretty great adventures.  I’m also grateful for Tyler Ward who was able to make this night happen.