I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days. I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year. This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died. I told this person it was OK and thought we were good. Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it. I didn't even know how to respond. I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt. "Over it" you have got to be kidding me? I'm not over it. I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died. I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him! My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.
I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did. It hurt. It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting. I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.
So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference. Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is. It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition. If I did that no one would want to be around me. So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there. In fact that is what all three of us are doing. We hurt, each and every day we hurt. We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel. We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely. We just hide it behind our masks.
Also, please understand that we have triggers too. We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding. You remember happy times, or sad times. Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in. Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in. When that happens please keep loving us. Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us. We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.
This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same. I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure. I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD! I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
My Tank Is Empty
I don't know why and I don't know how. But I can in all honesty say that my "you can make it through this" tank is empty.
Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK. We spent the weekend at our friends cabin. The room was filled with dear friends and family. There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty. So many memories are tied to their cabin. We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories. Sweet memories of times with Taylor. Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies. Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun. Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.
Now we are home I still just feel empty. I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday. Taylor on the other hand, not so much. All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel. All I've done for three days is cry. I need my tank filled. I know that I should be grateful. Like I said things are going pretty good. But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.
I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on. I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.
Pray for me please. I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me. THANK YOU!
This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.
Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK. We spent the weekend at our friends cabin. The room was filled with dear friends and family. There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty. So many memories are tied to their cabin. We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories. Sweet memories of times with Taylor. Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies. Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun. Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.
Now we are home I still just feel empty. I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday. Taylor on the other hand, not so much. All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel. All I've done for three days is cry. I need my tank filled. I know that I should be grateful. Like I said things are going pretty good. But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.
I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on. I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.
Pray for me please. I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me. THANK YOU!
This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.
Friday, September 5, 2014
A Mother's Work
When you become a mother your whole world changes. Life is no longer about making you happy or doing what you want to do. Life is all about your children. From the moment you find out your are having a baby your whole life changes. You see things differently. Your whole life is about protecting, caring, nurturing, teaching and worrying about your children. Your children always come first. As mothers we go without more than anyone because we want to make sure that our children have what they need and often times even what they want. The sacrifices that I made and continue to make fore my kids I would gladly continue doing. I'm ok as long as my kids are ok and I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll most mothers would say the same thing..
I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore. My job as his mother here on earth is over. He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems. He doesn't need me to worry about him. He is good. He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling. Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan. Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them. Each one is a miracle and a blessing. Each one holds a special place in my heart. I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor. Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me. But now he doesn't. I feel empty. I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. But I can't. I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died. I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married. I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her. He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do. I then told him that was being a parent. Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent. I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally. I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad. I want him to want me. I want him to come to me and ask me for advice. I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.
How do I get over this? That is the million dollar question. How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized? I don't know. I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust. Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else. I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.
My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed. I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life. To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be. I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life. The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me. Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired. I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful. If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost. So Morgan if you read this. Thanks for letting me be your Mom. It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time. Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!
I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore. My job as his mother here on earth is over. He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems. He doesn't need me to worry about him. He is good. He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling. Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan. Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them. Each one is a miracle and a blessing. Each one holds a special place in my heart. I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor. Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me. But now he doesn't. I feel empty. I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. But I can't. I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died. I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married. I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her. He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do. I then told him that was being a parent. Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent. I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally. I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad. I want him to want me. I want him to come to me and ask me for advice. I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.
How do I get over this? That is the million dollar question. How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized? I don't know. I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust. Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else. I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.
My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed. I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life. To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be. I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life. The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me. Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired. I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful. If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost. So Morgan if you read this. Thanks for letting me be your Mom. It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time. Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!
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