Lost in the Darkness

I've been trying to come up with something profound to write about and since it's been a number of weeks since I posted to this blog, it's pretty obvious that nothing profound has happened.

The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights.  I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay.  Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.

This morning I woke up in a very dark place.  It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK.  I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface.  I feel so out of control.  I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough.  My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess.  On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life.  There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle.  I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming.  I can't focus.  Welcome to my life -  Life without focus.  Life in a mess!  That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.

I'm lucky enough to have great support.  I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter.  I know that they are there for me and that they understand.  Even when I don't even know if I understand.  I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge.  Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there.  He told me that I'm OK.  That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down.  He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us.  He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved.  He understands our life.  He feels the same way I do.  He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface.  He feels as overwhelmed as I do.  Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better.  Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them.  It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.

I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood.  In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude.  I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come.  But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.

So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness.  I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father.  I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore.  I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days.  I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos.  And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic.  I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!

Witches Night with the Ladies

It's October and that means a few things to most people.  First it's fall, the leaves are changing the air is crisp and I must say to me this time of year is heaven.  I took a ride up the canyon last week and as I was driving up I was so drawn to the colors and the thought came to mind.  When I get to Heaven, this will be my paradise.  There is something about all the fall colors that just make me feel warm and hugged.  When I think about it, it seems to me that Heavenly Father planned this time of year.  He wanted all of us to be warmed by the colors of fall to feel natures hug to us before the cold of winter comes.

Second it's Halloween and with Halloween comes Witches Night at Gardner Village.  For those of you who don't know what Witches Night is, let me paint you the picture.  Gardner Village is an old mill in West Jordan and around the mill they have brought in and restored old houses, buildings and barns that date back to the pioneer times.  In each of these building there are shops.  During the Halloween season Gardner Village decorates with lights and animated witches decked out in fun attire and doing all sorts of antics.  They are placed throughout the village.  On two weekends in October they host Witches Night.  During this time ladies and a few brave men dress up in witch costumes and walk around the village shopping and cackling.  There is also a DJ and fun music is heard from all over the village.  Basically it's a time for ladies to dress up, pretend and have fun.

Going to Witches Night has turned into a tradition for our family.  It's a time for Morgan and I to go and have fun with Paul's cousins and occasionally we can convince a friend to join us.  It's a time where Morgan and I can laugh and dance and act crazy (not that we don't normally act crazy, but here nobody stares at us like we are nut cases).  I look forward to this special day with Morgan.  Just like I do with Swiss Days in September.  These are special times for us.  Memory making times. This year Morgan wasn't able to go she had to work (being a responsible adult does have its drawbacks)  and I have to admit it just wasn't the same.  The music was still there.  There was still dancing and people dressed up in amazing costumes, but without Morgan the fun just wasn't as much fun.  I tried to let loose and have a good time, but I just couldn't.  I'd see something and turn to Morgan to tell her about it or share an experience with her and then realize, Duh she isn't here.  I tried to text her pictures but I knew that would just make the fact that she had to work that much more difficult so I stopped.  As I was walking around the village I had the realization that when Morgan goes away to school I'm really going to be alone.  Hopefully she will be able to tear herself away from all of the goings on of college and work and be able to come and spend witches night with me.  But the reality is, we never know where life will take us.  I love that Morgan is an adult, but I miss the days when she was younger and we could plan out life without worrying about work and school.  But such is life.  Sometimes you just have to face the reality that we have to grow up and sometimes we have to be alone.

This week I am grateful for FALL!  I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's color hug.  I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Morgan.  I'm grateful that we are close and enjoy spending time together.  I'm grateful she is mine!

I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!

Our group was small this year.  Becky, Lisa, Erica and Gerilee

Yummmm

Erica with some voodoo witches

Smoke and Mirrors

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days.  I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year.  This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died.  I told this person it was OK and thought we were good.  Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it.  I didn't even know how to respond.  I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt.  "Over it" you have got to be kidding me?  I'm not over it.  I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died.  I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him!  My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.

I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did.  It hurt.  It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting.  I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.

So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference.  Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is.   It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition.  If  I did that no one would want to be around me.  So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there.  In fact that is what all three of us are doing.  We hurt, each and every day we hurt.  We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel.  We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely.  We just hide it behind our masks.

Also, please understand that we have triggers too.  We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding.  You remember happy times, or sad times.  Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in.  Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in.  When that happens please keep loving us.  Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us.  We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.

This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same.  I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure.  I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD!  I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.

My Tank Is Empty

I don't know why and I don't know how.  But I can in all honesty say that my "you can make it through this" tank is empty.

Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK.  We spent the weekend at our friends cabin.  The room was filled with dear friends and family.  There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty.  So many memories are tied to their cabin.  We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories.  Sweet memories of times with Taylor.  Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies.  Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun.  Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.

Now we are home I still just feel empty.    I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday.  Taylor on the other hand, not so much.  All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel.  All I've done for three days is cry.  I need my tank filled.  I know that I should be grateful.  Like I said things are going pretty good.  But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.

I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on.  I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.

Pray for me please.  I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me.  THANK YOU!

This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.

A Mother's Work

When you become a mother your whole world changes.  Life is no longer about making you happy or doing what you want to do.  Life is all about your children.  From the moment you find out your are having a baby your whole life changes.  You see things differently.  Your whole life is about protecting, caring, nurturing, teaching and worrying about your children.  Your children always come first.  As mothers we go without more than anyone because we want to make sure that our children have what they need and often times even what they want.  The sacrifices that I made and continue to make fore my kids I would gladly continue doing.  I'm ok as long as my kids are ok and I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll most mothers would say the same thing..

I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore.  My job as his mother here on earth is over.  He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems.  He doesn't need me to worry about him.  He is good.  He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling.  Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan.  Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them.  Each one is a miracle and a blessing.  Each one holds a special place in my heart.  I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor.  Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me.  But now he doesn't.  I feel empty.  I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it.  But I can't.  I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died.  I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married.  I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her.  He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do.  I then told him that was being a parent.  Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent.  I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally.  I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad.  I want him to want me.  I want him to come to me and ask me for advice.  I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.

How do I get over this?  That is the million dollar question.  How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized?  I don't know.  I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust.  Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else.  I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.

My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed.  I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life.  To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be.  I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life.  The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me.  Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired.  I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful.  If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost.  So Morgan if you read this.  Thanks for letting me be your Mom.  It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time.  Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!

Peace

For the past several years I have felt anything but peaceful.  The trials of life and the burdens that I felt I have had to carry for the last 6 years have weighed heavily on me.  Even when things were going relatively smoothly I still didn't feel peace.  

Since Taylor passed away and Paul found work peace still eluded me.  I was constantly burdened with this feeling of unrest for Taylor.  Taylor didn't always make the best choices and he had a lot of guilt and burdens that he was carrying around with him.  In the months before Taylor died he had been taking great measures to get his life on track.  He was working hard to turn his life around physically, mentally and emotionally.  He wanted so many things to change.  His repentance process was in full swing.  He had overcome obstacles, had reached out for help.  He as relying on his Savior's atoning sacrifice to heal him and to help make him whole.  I saw the changes in Taylor.  I saw the light of Christ in him and I also saw how Satan was working extra hard on him to discourage him because he knew what Taylor wanted and he didn't want to lose Taylor.  Satan knew what Taylor had to offer those around him.  He knew the good in Taylor and he wanted him to fail.  Taylor had so many goals that he was working to achieve and then he was gone.  All of those things that he had been working for here on earth weren't going to happen here on earth.  These were all things that Taylor now needed to work on from the other side.  I knew what Taylor wanted and where his heart was when he passed away and I knew deep down inside that he was going to be OK, but I was still consumed with unrest.

My head was full of questions,  once Taylor got to the other side, did he change his mind?  Did he decide that he didn't want all that he was working for?  Did he look down on his friends who didn't have the gospel in their lives and think I liked living that way and I don't want to make these changes now?  I know these are all questions that you probably think I am nuts for thinking, but I did.  I had doubts.  I had worries.  I wanted my son to want what the rest of his family has.  I wanted him to have the gospel and all of the blessing that being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gives to us.  I wanted him to feel that joy and that warmth in knowing the truthfulness and having the holy ghost with him.  I wanted him to find strength in our Savior and come back to the gospel.  But I was left here on earth wondering.  Everyone kept telling me that he was good, that he was OK, that he was happy and a part of me believed that but I still felt uneasy.  

Then last week happened. 

 Doing Taylor's temple work was important to us.  We had been talking about doing this for him since shortly after he died.  We knew that this is what he was working towards here on earth and we wanted to make sure that it got done for him.  But my doubts kept creeping in.  Was Taylor ready?  Did he want the work done?  Where was he in his progression?  Back in February or March of this year I had a feeling come over me one morning that Taylor wanted his work done.  I was so happy.  But it was too soon.  We had to wait a year until we could do his work.  As the months ticked by the doubts crept back into my mind.  Did Taylor really want the work done, or was this my own wishful thinking and did I just think I felt what I did?  I decided it was time to really find out.  I started praying to find the answer.  I prayed daily morning and night asking Heavenly Father to let me know if Taylor was ready and if we did the work would Taylor accept it.  I prayed and prayed and got nothing.  I prayed for months and still nothing.  Then the first week in August I got my answer.  We were driving to a family reunion and I had this feeling that Taylor wanted to attend his best friends temple marriage and he was ready for us to do his work.  He didn't want us to wait any longer he wanted it done NOW.  As I relayed the feelings that the Holy Ghost had given me to Paul we decided it was time.  So last week on the 19th of August we went to the Jordan River Temple and did Taylor's temple work.  Paul was able to be proxy for Taylor and do the work for him.  Paul said he had such a great experience with Taylor that day.  He knew that Taylor was with him and that Taylor was more than ready for this work to be done.  Taylor was happy.  Everything that he was trying to overcome on earth was gone.  He was free of all the pain and suffering that he went through.  He was forgiven and he was ready.  I felt it too.  

Ever since we walked out of the Temple last week I have felt peace.  Peace in knowing that Taylor is good.  That he is happy and that all of his burdens are gone and it is no longer weighing on him.  He is whole and complete free to be the Taylor that he wanted to be and that we knew he was.  I finally feel calm the haunting feelings are gone.  I still miss him terribly.  I miss him as much today as I did a year ago.  My missing him isn't going to change.  I will miss him until I am able to hug him and hold him and see him again.  But I know that he is good and that he is strong and getting stronger and that he will be able to fight Satan when the time comes again and that gives me peace.

This week I am grateful for a worthy husband who was able to do the temple work for Taylor.  I am grateful for our eternal family and the promised blessing of knowing that our family is forever and Paul, Morgan, Taylor and myself as well as the future spouses of Taylor and Morgan will be together and I will be able to hug my son again.  I'm grateful for a beautiful daughter who has a strong testimony.  I'm grateful that even though life gets us down she finds strength in her Savior to get her through.  I grateful for answered prayers. But most of all this week I am grateful for PEACE!

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings...

The last couple of weeks have been filled with so many blessings that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  I have been so down and feeling discouraged wondering if I was ever going to be able to dig myself out but a couple of weeks ago I received an answer to my prayers.  I had been praying for this answer for quite some time.  The Holy Ghost had told me something earlier in the year, but I had started to doubt that feeling so I began to pray to know if what I felt before was true and I got my answer, and the answer was so profound that I knew I couldn't question it.  (Heavenly Father has figured me out.  He knows how my head works so he made sure I got it good this time.)  I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying.  Heavenly Father is aware of me and he is listening to me.  And since that day the blessing have been pouring in.  Let me share a few of them with you:

My daughter Morgan has been stressing.  She thinks she is so sly and I don't know when things are bothering her, but I do.  And knowing that she was struggling I had been praying for her to feel peace and reassurance.  So when these blessings started pouring in for her I was so grateful.  Even though these  blessings came to her we as a family felt blessed.  Because as you know when one is blessed so is everyone else.  Before I tell you Morgan's blessings let me share a little about her.  Morgan is amazing.  Pure and simple.  This one beautiful woman (ugh I hate typing that,  yes she is a woman now, but she is my baby girl and always will be.) is so gifted and talented.  She doesn't always see it, but she truly is.  She is gorgeous, honest, hardworking, smart, beautiful inside and out, she has a strong testimony of the gospel, she is a good example to her family and friends, she is caring, funny, witty, crazy, loving, compassionate, faithful, strong, courageous, sweet, daring, and basically AMAZEBALLS and  I'm not just saying that because I am her mother.  I could go on and on and I usually do.  So when the blessing started pouring out for her I want you to know that no one deserves them more.  Her first blessing came as a promotion at work and not only does the promotion give her more training and responsibility it also is allowing her to make more money which will help her to pay for all the things that she needs and wants.  This opportunity will also help her grow.  Her next blessing came as a scholarship for her Sophomore year.  All her hard work and dedication to her studies paid off.  This scholarship will help with the financial burdens that a college education can be.  We as a family had been praying for her to be rewarded for her hard work and to allow her burden to be lightened. And our prayer was answered.  So grateful!

My next blessing came in the shape of a nice long weekend in the mountains.  We were able to get away and spend some time as a family enjoying the beautiful mountains that Heavenly Father created for us.  We had a great time with family and friends making memories and sharing laughs.  Morgan and her Dad built a snowman out of snow on a glacier.  Morgan named in Melten Waters, Olaf's North American Cousin.  He was so cute.  Then Morgan and I were able to go on a four wheeler adventure, thanks to our cousins, and she and I had a great time.  We have had a lot of rain here this summer and so all of the wild flowers were still in bloom.  It was so beautiful.  I came home feeling relaxed and full of happiness for a change.

My next blessing came this week.  We as a family were able to go to the temple and do Taylor's temple work.  What a beautiful night that was.  Surrounded by family both here on earth and in heaven.  Knowing that Taylor was there and anxiously waiting for his dad to help him get his work done.  I was so grateful that Paul was worthy to do this work for him.  I am blessed to be married to such an amazing man who honors his priesthood.  I was filled with the spirit that day.  Everything was beautiful. It was a happy day in the Wright family.

These are just a few of the many blessings that we have been blessed with in just a matter of weeks.  There are always blessings around us some that we don't even notice or that we take for granted.  I've learned over the last year to really try hard to look for the blessings and acknowledge them and be grateful for them.  Life is full of challenges and struggles that's why we are here and it is so easy to get overwhelmed by our challenges, I know this first hand it's HARD but taking the time to look for the blessings really helps.  I'm not saying that I don't have bad days, I do and I'm still learning.  Learning to take each day as it comes and working hard each day to see it through whether it's good, bad, or ugly.  I know that if I am close to my Heavenly Father he will help me through. And as I strive to stay close to my Heavenly Father I am learning so much and growing.

BLESSINGS BABY -- YA GOTTA LOVE EM!