Smoke and Mirrors

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days.  I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year.  This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died.  I told this person it was OK and thought we were good.  Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it.  I didn't even know how to respond.  I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt.  "Over it" you have got to be kidding me?  I'm not over it.  I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died.  I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him!  My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.

I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did.  It hurt.  It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting.  I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.

So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference.  Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is.   It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition.  If  I did that no one would want to be around me.  So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there.  In fact that is what all three of us are doing.  We hurt, each and every day we hurt.  We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel.  We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely.  We just hide it behind our masks.

Also, please understand that we have triggers too.  We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding.  You remember happy times, or sad times.  Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in.  Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in.  When that happens please keep loving us.  Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us.  We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.

This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same.  I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure.  I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD!  I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.

My Tank Is Empty

I don't know why and I don't know how.  But I can in all honesty say that my "you can make it through this" tank is empty.

Good things are happening, life is OK, but I don't feel OK.  We spent the weekend at our friends cabin.  The room was filled with dear friends and family.  There was laughter, there was card playing, there was good food and through it all I still felt empty.  So many memories are tied to their cabin.  We as a family have been spending time there for years and for some reason this time there I was overwhelmed with memories.  Sweet memories of times with Taylor.  Memories of me rocking him and Morgan to sleep in their old lawn chairs and singing lullabies.  Memories of the kids making forts with the cushions, playing games, laughing and having fun.  Melancholy memories now because Taylor is gone and Morgan isn't a little girl anymore.

Now we are home I still just feel empty.    I miss Taylor so much and Morgan is on a lovely vacation and I miss her too. The only sunny part of this equation is that Morgan will be home soon and I can see her smiling face everyday.  Taylor on the other hand, not so much.  All I want to do is to just sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. Obviously that isn't going to solve anything, but that is how I feel.  All I've done for three days is cry.  I need my tank filled.  I know that I should be grateful.  Like I said things are going pretty good.  But no matter what I do to try to get out of this it isn't working.

I'm turning to my Heavenly Father and giving it to him with the hopes that my tank gets filled up so that I can continue on.  I've got responsibilities, I got people counting on me and right now I'm good for nothing.

Pray for me please.  I say that with a smile since I know that nobody reads my posts, but it still feels good to ask for prayers. So if you do read this and you do pray for me.  THANK YOU!

This week I'm grateful for the sweet memories of the growing up years of my children and I'm grateful for prayer.

A Mother's Work

When you become a mother your whole world changes.  Life is no longer about making you happy or doing what you want to do.  Life is all about your children.  From the moment you find out your are having a baby your whole life changes.  You see things differently.  Your whole life is about protecting, caring, nurturing, teaching and worrying about your children.  Your children always come first.  As mothers we go without more than anyone because we want to make sure that our children have what they need and often times even what they want.  The sacrifices that I made and continue to make fore my kids I would gladly continue doing.  I'm ok as long as my kids are ok and I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll most mothers would say the same thing..

I've been sad the last few weeks because the realization hit me that Taylor doesn't need me anymore.  My job as his mother here on earth is over.  He doesn't need me to buy him clothes, or help him solve problems.  He doesn't need me to worry about him.  He is good.  He doesn't need me and it's hard to explain the emotions that I am feeling.  Taylor is a part of me and so is Morgan.  Each one of them were conceived by two parents who love each other and adore them.  Each one is a miracle and a blessing.  Each one holds a special place in my heart.  I spent 24 years taking care of Taylor.  Sometimes more than others but no matter how old he got, I was still his mother and I knew he needed me.  But now he doesn't.  I feel empty.  I feel lost like half of my job description just got deleted and now I don't know what to do and unless you are a mother you probably think I'm nuts or that I am putting too much into this.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it.  But I can't.  I brought this up to a friend of ours and he looked at me funny and said that Taylor was an adult and my job was done even before he died.  I asked him if he ever worried about his daughter who has recently married.  I asked him if he ever had concerns for her and if he still wanted what was best for her.  He sat there a minute in thought and said of course I do.  I then told him that was being a parent.  Just because our kids grow up or move away we don't stop being their parent.  I think in that moment he kind of understood what I was feeling but not totally.  I know that I am Taylor's mother and I always will be but he doesn't need me and that makes me sad.  I want him to want me.  I want him to come to me and ask me for advice.  I want him to share the ups and downs of life with me. I want him.

How do I get over this?  That is the million dollar question.  How do I come to terms with the fact that my job description has changed, that I've been downsized?  I don't know.  I guess I just continue to take it one day at a time and hopefully I will be able to adjust.  Hopefully my Heavenly Father will help me get through this as he has everything else.  I guess I have to once again admit that I can't do this alone and give it to HIM and hope that it gets better with time.

My job as Morgan's mother hasn't changed.  I'm still here to care for her, to listen to her days, to share the ups and downs of life.  To cheer her on and push her to be the best that she can be.  I'm here with all the wisdom I have to help her along the course of life.  The poor thing. Now instead of sharing the burden of me, she gets all of me.  Although I have been downsized I haven't been fired.  I'm still a Mom and for that I am grateful.  If I didn't have Morgan I would really be lost.  So Morgan if you read this.  Thanks for letting me be your Mom.  It's a job I cherish and look forward to doing for a very long time.  Sorry you are stuck with me kiddo!

Peace

For the past several years I have felt anything but peaceful.  The trials of life and the burdens that I felt I have had to carry for the last 6 years have weighed heavily on me.  Even when things were going relatively smoothly I still didn't feel peace.  

Since Taylor passed away and Paul found work peace still eluded me.  I was constantly burdened with this feeling of unrest for Taylor.  Taylor didn't always make the best choices and he had a lot of guilt and burdens that he was carrying around with him.  In the months before Taylor died he had been taking great measures to get his life on track.  He was working hard to turn his life around physically, mentally and emotionally.  He wanted so many things to change.  His repentance process was in full swing.  He had overcome obstacles, had reached out for help.  He as relying on his Savior's atoning sacrifice to heal him and to help make him whole.  I saw the changes in Taylor.  I saw the light of Christ in him and I also saw how Satan was working extra hard on him to discourage him because he knew what Taylor wanted and he didn't want to lose Taylor.  Satan knew what Taylor had to offer those around him.  He knew the good in Taylor and he wanted him to fail.  Taylor had so many goals that he was working to achieve and then he was gone.  All of those things that he had been working for here on earth weren't going to happen here on earth.  These were all things that Taylor now needed to work on from the other side.  I knew what Taylor wanted and where his heart was when he passed away and I knew deep down inside that he was going to be OK, but I was still consumed with unrest.

My head was full of questions,  once Taylor got to the other side, did he change his mind?  Did he decide that he didn't want all that he was working for?  Did he look down on his friends who didn't have the gospel in their lives and think I liked living that way and I don't want to make these changes now?  I know these are all questions that you probably think I am nuts for thinking, but I did.  I had doubts.  I had worries.  I wanted my son to want what the rest of his family has.  I wanted him to have the gospel and all of the blessing that being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gives to us.  I wanted him to feel that joy and that warmth in knowing the truthfulness and having the holy ghost with him.  I wanted him to find strength in our Savior and come back to the gospel.  But I was left here on earth wondering.  Everyone kept telling me that he was good, that he was OK, that he was happy and a part of me believed that but I still felt uneasy.  

Then last week happened. 

 Doing Taylor's temple work was important to us.  We had been talking about doing this for him since shortly after he died.  We knew that this is what he was working towards here on earth and we wanted to make sure that it got done for him.  But my doubts kept creeping in.  Was Taylor ready?  Did he want the work done?  Where was he in his progression?  Back in February or March of this year I had a feeling come over me one morning that Taylor wanted his work done.  I was so happy.  But it was too soon.  We had to wait a year until we could do his work.  As the months ticked by the doubts crept back into my mind.  Did Taylor really want the work done, or was this my own wishful thinking and did I just think I felt what I did?  I decided it was time to really find out.  I started praying to find the answer.  I prayed daily morning and night asking Heavenly Father to let me know if Taylor was ready and if we did the work would Taylor accept it.  I prayed and prayed and got nothing.  I prayed for months and still nothing.  Then the first week in August I got my answer.  We were driving to a family reunion and I had this feeling that Taylor wanted to attend his best friends temple marriage and he was ready for us to do his work.  He didn't want us to wait any longer he wanted it done NOW.  As I relayed the feelings that the Holy Ghost had given me to Paul we decided it was time.  So last week on the 19th of August we went to the Jordan River Temple and did Taylor's temple work.  Paul was able to be proxy for Taylor and do the work for him.  Paul said he had such a great experience with Taylor that day.  He knew that Taylor was with him and that Taylor was more than ready for this work to be done.  Taylor was happy.  Everything that he was trying to overcome on earth was gone.  He was free of all the pain and suffering that he went through.  He was forgiven and he was ready.  I felt it too.  

Ever since we walked out of the Temple last week I have felt peace.  Peace in knowing that Taylor is good.  That he is happy and that all of his burdens are gone and it is no longer weighing on him.  He is whole and complete free to be the Taylor that he wanted to be and that we knew he was.  I finally feel calm the haunting feelings are gone.  I still miss him terribly.  I miss him as much today as I did a year ago.  My missing him isn't going to change.  I will miss him until I am able to hug him and hold him and see him again.  But I know that he is good and that he is strong and getting stronger and that he will be able to fight Satan when the time comes again and that gives me peace.

This week I am grateful for a worthy husband who was able to do the temple work for Taylor.  I am grateful for our eternal family and the promised blessing of knowing that our family is forever and Paul, Morgan, Taylor and myself as well as the future spouses of Taylor and Morgan will be together and I will be able to hug my son again.  I'm grateful for a beautiful daughter who has a strong testimony.  I'm grateful that even though life gets us down she finds strength in her Savior to get her through.  I grateful for answered prayers. But most of all this week I am grateful for PEACE!

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings...

The last couple of weeks have been filled with so many blessings that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  I have been so down and feeling discouraged wondering if I was ever going to be able to dig myself out but a couple of weeks ago I received an answer to my prayers.  I had been praying for this answer for quite some time.  The Holy Ghost had told me something earlier in the year, but I had started to doubt that feeling so I began to pray to know if what I felt before was true and I got my answer, and the answer was so profound that I knew I couldn't question it.  (Heavenly Father has figured me out.  He knows how my head works so he made sure I got it good this time.)  I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying.  Heavenly Father is aware of me and he is listening to me.  And since that day the blessing have been pouring in.  Let me share a few of them with you:

My daughter Morgan has been stressing.  She thinks she is so sly and I don't know when things are bothering her, but I do.  And knowing that she was struggling I had been praying for her to feel peace and reassurance.  So when these blessings started pouring in for her I was so grateful.  Even though these  blessings came to her we as a family felt blessed.  Because as you know when one is blessed so is everyone else.  Before I tell you Morgan's blessings let me share a little about her.  Morgan is amazing.  Pure and simple.  This one beautiful woman (ugh I hate typing that,  yes she is a woman now, but she is my baby girl and always will be.) is so gifted and talented.  She doesn't always see it, but she truly is.  She is gorgeous, honest, hardworking, smart, beautiful inside and out, she has a strong testimony of the gospel, she is a good example to her family and friends, she is caring, funny, witty, crazy, loving, compassionate, faithful, strong, courageous, sweet, daring, and basically AMAZEBALLS and  I'm not just saying that because I am her mother.  I could go on and on and I usually do.  So when the blessing started pouring out for her I want you to know that no one deserves them more.  Her first blessing came as a promotion at work and not only does the promotion give her more training and responsibility it also is allowing her to make more money which will help her to pay for all the things that she needs and wants.  This opportunity will also help her grow.  Her next blessing came as a scholarship for her Sophomore year.  All her hard work and dedication to her studies paid off.  This scholarship will help with the financial burdens that a college education can be.  We as a family had been praying for her to be rewarded for her hard work and to allow her burden to be lightened. And our prayer was answered.  So grateful!

My next blessing came in the shape of a nice long weekend in the mountains.  We were able to get away and spend some time as a family enjoying the beautiful mountains that Heavenly Father created for us.  We had a great time with family and friends making memories and sharing laughs.  Morgan and her Dad built a snowman out of snow on a glacier.  Morgan named in Melten Waters, Olaf's North American Cousin.  He was so cute.  Then Morgan and I were able to go on a four wheeler adventure, thanks to our cousins, and she and I had a great time.  We have had a lot of rain here this summer and so all of the wild flowers were still in bloom.  It was so beautiful.  I came home feeling relaxed and full of happiness for a change.

My next blessing came this week.  We as a family were able to go to the temple and do Taylor's temple work.  What a beautiful night that was.  Surrounded by family both here on earth and in heaven.  Knowing that Taylor was there and anxiously waiting for his dad to help him get his work done.  I was so grateful that Paul was worthy to do this work for him.  I am blessed to be married to such an amazing man who honors his priesthood.  I was filled with the spirit that day.  Everything was beautiful. It was a happy day in the Wright family.

These are just a few of the many blessings that we have been blessed with in just a matter of weeks.  There are always blessings around us some that we don't even notice or that we take for granted.  I've learned over the last year to really try hard to look for the blessings and acknowledge them and be grateful for them.  Life is full of challenges and struggles that's why we are here and it is so easy to get overwhelmed by our challenges, I know this first hand it's HARD but taking the time to look for the blessings really helps.  I'm not saying that I don't have bad days, I do and I'm still learning.  Learning to take each day as it comes and working hard each day to see it through whether it's good, bad, or ugly.  I know that if I am close to my Heavenly Father he will help me through. And as I strive to stay close to my Heavenly Father I am learning so much and growing.

BLESSINGS BABY -- YA GOTTA LOVE EM!

It's Like Living in a Dream...

This week as I continue to process all that has happened in the last couple of weeks I keep having this feeling like I am walking around in a dream.  I know it's not a dream, but it still feels that way.  I'm going through the motions and doing everything that is required of me, but it just doesn't seem real.  I look around me and see everyone going about their days doing what they always do and once again my life continues to feel like it is not my own.

I know that I have probably said this in another post, but it truly does feel like I'm dreaming and that I'm going to wake up and my world will be all back to normal.  Taylor will be here.  My mother will be here and everything will be as it should.  The problem is that I'm not dreaming, this is reality.  Life is exactly what it is and I can't do anything about it.  I just have to continue trying to figure out how to move forward.

I still can't believe that my mother is gone.  I've had her with me for so long and always had her to rely on and even when I didn't tell her all my troubles, just knowing that she was a phone call away always brought me so much comfort.  Now as I continue to struggle with my grief over Taylor I realize that the one person who truly understood what I am going through and what I am feeling is no longer here and that scares me.  I always knew that I could draw on her strength when the three of us were struggling.  Now I can't.  All I have is memories and sometimes the memories aren't enough.

The family has been spending time at my mother's house going through the drawers and closets and trying to sort through what is worth keeping and what isn't.  I'm really having a hard time because every room in that house holds a memory for me.  I grew up in that house.  Up until I got married I had never lived anywhere else, so watching everyone go through my mother's stuff and start staking claims on what they want is killing me.  I know it's just stuff, and I know that everyone should have a piece of my mother and that everyone loved her just as much as I did.  I'm just having such a hard time separating my memories from the stuff and I feel so selfish because I just want to keep everything, which would be nuts because I truly don't have room in my house for everything even if I was selfish enough to take it all.  My friend had an idea.  She said why don't I take pictures of all of the things in the house and then that way I will have the memory of how things looked and the furniture that she had and maybe that would help.  So I am going to try that this weekend and we will see if it helps.

I've also been struggling with this feeling that Heavenly Father has stepped away from me. For the last year it has felt like I have had my Heavenly Father walking beside me and since my mother died I haven't felt that closeness.  Even when mom was struggling and I knew she was going to be leaving us and I prayed for her release I knew my Father was with me.  And as I am writing this and saying how I don't feel his closeness, I'm filled with the warmth of his love and realize that he is here with me.  I'm so grateful for the reassurance that I just received from HIM.  Satan loves to mess with my head.  He knows that is my weakness.  I doubt myself a lot and he plays on that.  Dang him!  I thought I had told him to take a hike.  The persistent little bugger won't get lost.  President Uchtdo

rf's quote from conference fits right here perfectly.  Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  Words to live by!

This next week as I continue to keep moving forward I am going to work harder on believing in my faith and take strength from that faith.  I believe that if you have faith, hope and lots of prayer it can see you through anything.  I also know that I need to give this to my Savior. And I have been trying to, it's just hard sometimes.  But I am going to be better at it.  

This week I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who is always by my side and as always I am so grateful for my hubby and my sweet Morgan they are my life and I am so blessed to call them mine!

A Long Two Weeks

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted on my blog.  To say that these couple of weeks have been stressful would be an understatement.  During this time we celebrated Taylor's birthday, had the one year anniversary of Taylor's death, had my 92 year old mother fall and break her leg, and then had my mother pass away.  I really hate summer.

We decided as a family that we really didn't want to be home for Taylor's birthday or for the one year anniversary of his death.  Some friends of ours let us stay in their condo at the Canyons.  I didn't realize it at the time we accepted the invitation to stay at the Condo that we were actually going to be staying at one of the resorts where Taylor liked to snowboard.  In fact it didn't hit me until the second day we were there.  It was kind of fitting and kind of peaceful.

Taylor's birthday was so hard.  I was so consumed with loss that I had a real hard time the entire day.  We took a ride up to the resort on the Cabriolet and walked around the resort.  As we were walking around a song came over the loud speaker.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  It was the song from Electric Light Orchestra that Taylor used on his first sponsor me video.  I looked over and Morgan and Paul and said "Coincidence?"  We all knew it wasn't.  We all knew that Taylor was there with us on the mountain and he wanted to make sure that we knew it too.  It was such a beautiful day sitting in the sun and listening to one of Taylor's songs.  I miss him so much and am grateful for the little reminders of him.

On the 30th I decided to turn my phone on do not disturb because I didn't want to get overwhelmed with people asking me how I was.  I was having an OK morning.  I was sad but I had peace too.  When we started to pack up to head home I looked at my phone and saw I had two missed calls and two text messages from my brother.  I read the message and it said that my mother had fallen in her driveway and had broken the neck of her femur.  In my panicked state though I thought it said she broke her neck.  I crumbled to the floor in tears.  I kept saying over and over not today, please not today.  I can't take another loss today.  We hurried to the hospital where they had taken my mother.  When I got there she had a lot of morphine in her system and was asleep.  And this started the longest week of my life thus far.

Mom went into Surgery on the 1st of July.  The surgery went well, but mom never did snap back after the surgery.  The doctors told us she was only allowed 3 midnight stays with her insurance and that we needed to look into finding a therapy center for her to stay in.  After her surgery though she didn't improve the way the doctors had hoped.  She could barely stand up and to do therapy would require her to do work for at least three hours a day and that wasn't about to happen.  Then her kidneys started to fail and she didn't want to eat or drink.  The day after her surgery the doctor told us that therapy was out of the question for mom and that we should start looking at hospice care for her.  We were able to take her to her home on the 4th of July.  Together as a family my three brothers and their wives along with Paul and Morgan and my niece Kami sat by my mother's bedside and listened to the hospice nurse instruct us on how to care for and give medication to my mother.  I prayed and prayed the entire week and all that day that Heavenly Father would see fit to allow mom to go home to him and be with my dad and Taylor as well as my brothers and sister - in-laws who have already passed on.  I couldn't bare the thought of my sweet mother confined to a bed for weeks or months feeling like she was a burden on us and losing her dignity.  After the nurse left we put my mother's favorite music on.  Good old fashioned country music.  Her favorite singer was Eddie Arnold.  Even though mom didn't open her eyes or talk to us, we knew she was happy to be home.  We watched her lift her arm and tap out the beat to her favorite songs a number of times while we were there.  That will be a memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life.  That knowledge that she was happy to be home and at peace.  The next morning I got a call at 7:00 in the morning telling me that mother had just passed away.  My relief that she no longer suffered was over powered  by my feelings of sadness for losing my mom.  She was my best friend.  The two of us had been alone together ever since my dad died when I was twelve.  After I got married she would spend the holidays with us and I would talk to her everyday on the phone.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this as well as continue to figure out how to move on without Taylor.  Together these two deaths have hit me hard.  I know my mother is happy now.  I know that she is with my dad and the reunion was something that I wished I could have seen, but the loss here on earth is hard.

The next few days were filled with planning and carrying out my mom's wishes regarding her funeral.  One of her requests was for me to give her life sketch with my brother Kim.  I knew it was something that I was supposed to do, but I was scared to death and afraid that I wouldn't or couldn't do justice to the amazing mother I have.  I had many sleepless nights leading up to her viewing and funeral.  Her funeral was beautiful and the chapel was full of family and friends who loved my mother.  She touched many lives and the evidence was in the number of people who attended the viewing and funeral.  I'm sure mom was surprised as well.  She always told me that being 92 nobody would be around to attend her funeral and that everyone who remembered her was dead.  Boy was she wrong.

Here is my piece of the life sketch for my mother.  I'm not sharing it to brag on what I wrote, but to share with you how amazing my mother was:

I get to talk about the golden years.  They weren’t golden because of mom’s age, they were golden because mom had me.  I’m kidding, they were golden because it was the time of me and my best friend my mom.

After dad died it was just the two of us at home.  The boys as I so kindly call my brothers were gone with their families and helping us from there.  It was mom and I the dynamic duo.

When I read that I was supposed to talk today, two things kept popping into my mind.  Mom wants this short and sweet and how on earth can I possibly put into words all that my mother is and pay her the proper tribute she deserves.  She was 92 and a half years old.  I have to add the half because Mom let everyone know exactly how old she really was.   I decided instead of just telling you stories, I would use words that described the traits that I felt my mom had.  My list was pretty long, so please know that as I tell you about my amazing mother that she is so much more than what a few minutes at her funeral is going to allow me to talk about.

Talented/Smart -  My mom was able to take the talents that Heavenly Father gave her and excel at them.  As Kim has mentioned she excelled in her studies, her music  and also in her love of horses.  My favorite thing to do with mom was playing duets on the piano.  We would spend hours playing together.  We used to have fun seeing how fast we could play the songs.  Mom and I would spend hours sitting together playing duets. Mom was also very clever.  She always had a momism that fit just about any moment.  I always wondered how she remembered them all.  Mom also loved to do crossword puzzles and word puzzles.  Every once in a while I would get a phone call from her asking me if I could give her abbreviations for computer lingo or slang.  Other than that my mom was a word genius.   

Educator – Although my mom didn’t have a four year degree that didn’t stop her from being a teacher.  My mother taught piano lessons for a long time.  When I was younger I thought she was teaching piano to every kid in American Fork.  She obviously wasn’t but I can almost guarantee you that the majority of the youth growing up in the 6^th ward  learned to play the piano from my mom.  Not only did she teach her students how to play the piano, she also taught them about never giving up.  I remember her having a can sitting on the piano that said there is no T in can.  She used this saying with her piano students who thought a song was too hard and they didn’t think they could do it.  She also used this on me a lot.  Whenever I would get discourage and want to give up, she would say.  There is no T in your can.  Mom also spent many years working for Alpine School District.  She worked in the mother’s high program as well as the adult education program.  Here she helped young mothers and adults earn their high school diplomas.  She loved assisting the students and giving them the help and encouragement they needed to not give up and keep going to graduate. 

Fearless – My mother was the bravest woman I know.  The only thing that I know she was afraid of was lightning.  This is ironic because my dad and grandpa sold lightning rods.   I remember whenever there was a storm day or night, mom would grab me and we would go and sit in the car or go for a ride.  Mom felt safer with the rubber tires under her even though we had a lightning rod on our house .  Other than that my mom wasn’t afraid of anything.  If a mouse went scurrying across the floor she would just step on it kill it and then take it outside for the cats to have.   Snakes in the yard, nope not afraid.  Spiders on the walls, nope not afraid.  If she was afraid of anything, I never knew it.

Courageous  and Independent,– My mom faced many challenges in her life.  She lost children, her husband, her parents, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren and through each of the challenges mom found a way to rise above.  Even when life was the hardest I can remember her say – smile and the world smiles with you cry and your cry alone.  After my dad died I remember she realized that there were a lot of things that dad did that she didn’t know how to do.  Mom didn’t give up.  She learned how to do all the things that dad did with a lot of help from my brothers especially Mike.  Mike was always there to help mom.  Mom relied on him for so much and she was so grateful for all he did for her.  I kind of think she drove him  nuts with her list after list of honey dos that now he got to do.   My mom and I had a lot of adventures.  Every summer and Christmas we would go to either Colorado to see Jay or California to see Randy and Kim.  Mom would navigate us through airport and train station and never bat and eye or act intimidated by the size or the crowd.   There was a time when we were on a plane and I told her I was afraid the plane would crash.  She just looked at me and said.  If it crashes we will be with dad and if we get there we will be with family, so how can we possibly be scared and it was true.  I was never afraid of flying again.   As mom got older the biggest thing for her was keeping her independence.  She didn’t want to live with any of us.  She wanted to stay home, eat what she wanted, sleep when she wanted, and watch whatever she wanted and she didn’t want any of us to tell her what to do.  I loved that about her.  Mom knew what she wanted and she did it herself.  She didn’t need to rely on others.  That is a trait that I would like to have. 

Service /Talented– Mom was always giving service.  I never knew Mom to turn down a calling in church.  Even when she questioned whether the calling was inspiration or desperation, she took the calling and served her calling to the best of her ability.  Mom was a leader, but she didn’t like to lead.  She preferred to be among the supporting cast.  As a young girl I remember going with mom down to the church for the quilting bee and watch all the gray haired ladies in the ward sew quilt after quilt for others.  I also remember the  many phone conversations mom would have with those members of the ward and her friends checking in on them and making sure that they were OK.  But my mother’s favorite act of service was when she was working with children.  She played the piano for a number of years at Forbes elementary school for the different grades.  There was many a class program where you would see mom sitting at the piano playing the patriotic or fun songs that the kids were singing too.  Her favorite church calling was the pianist for the primary.  A calling that she had for 24 years.  She loved playing the piano for the primary kids.  She always said she felt the spirit the strongest when the primary kids were singing.  Mom also spent countless hours in service to her family.  She was always asking us what can I do for you, or she would send you a check in the mail at times when you thought you weren’t going to be able to make ends meet.  Mom always knew and wanted to make sure that her kids were OK. 

Nature lover – Mom wasn’t your tree hugging, granola eating, camp out in the forest nature lover.  Mom was the savor the beauty nature lover.  She loved sitting on her patio looking at her flowers.  Randy and Kim got her hooked on bird watching.  Once she got the bug it was all over from there.  Her back yard was the home of at least three if not four different bird feeders and she would spend hours watching the birds that came to feed.   She always had a pair of binoculars and a bird book sitting on the kitchen counter so that when a new bird would land on her feeder she could look it up and learn all about them.  She loved it when the Nazuli  buntings would come.  Mom was always so worried when she would run out of food for the birds.  I’d tease her that she loved her birds more than her family and she would say they don’t sass.

Beautiful/Elegant/Well Mannered – My mom was a knock out.  But her beauty wasn’t only skin deep.  Mom was beautiful inside and out.  She held herself with dignity and took pride in herself.  She always used good manners and was the first to call you out if you weren’t using your manners.  No elbows on the table, how to set a table properly, saying thank you and please, acting the way a lady should act.  She always would find a way to teach all of us proper manners.  Mom was always put together.  On one occasion I was watching mom get ready for the day and asked her why she always put her makeup on first thing in the morning and she looked and me and told me that her mother always did it and that if you got yourself ready first thing in the morning you were ready for the day and any visitor that may stop by.  I’m not so good at that one.  I do brush my hair when I wake up but make up – not so much.  Sorry Paul.

Straightforward/unconditional love/forgiving – My mom had this amazing ability to love you no matter what mistake you made.  Don’t get me wrong, as her family can attest, if you messed up or you disappointed her she would let you know.  You always knew where you stood with mom.  But even when she was laying it on you how disappointed she was she would never leave the conversation with you feeling bad.  She would let you have it, tell you how or suggest ways to fix it, and then tell you how much she loved you and how much potential she saw in you.  Mom didn’t hold a grudge.  Her ability to forgive and forget astounds me.  If she would get her feelings hurt, and I know it happened a lot, she didn’t dwell on it.  She would just say it’s water off a ducks back and move on. 

Family – Family meant everything to mom.  She loved her children, her grandchildren and her great great grandchildren with all her heart.   Her greatest pleasures came when the family would come to visit.  I would call her everyday and part of our daily conversations was her telling me about who had stopped by, called or sent her a card.  Mom had what we all called her brag wall.  Every picture she got from the family went up on the wall and she would point out the latest and greatest additions to her wall.  Mom also had pictures of family in every room of her house.  As she got older and didn’t like moving around as much she would spend hours sitting in her green chair looking at her family on the wall.  Family brought her joy.  Mom’s greatest fear was that after she was gone we as a family would fall apart and stop seeing each other.  She used to complain to me about how the siblings never talked to each other and if it wasn’t for her telling us what was going on in each other’s lives we would never know.  We as a family have to commit to making sure our legacy as descendants of Ira and Gwendolyn Taylor lives on.  That we don’t lose touch and we stay connected.  If not, we may find ourselves being haunted by a sweet little lady that we all know and love.

Counselor – My mom was the best listener there was.  I don’t think there is one of us in this family who hasn’t bent mom’s ear with our problems.  We all knew that we could go to her and talk about anything.  That’s what I loved most about her.  I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me, or get mad at me. She would just listen and help you work through whatever it was and if she didn’t have the answers she would tell you, but she wouldn’t dismiss you, she would just let you know that she loved you .   She helped me through rough times.  She was our shoulder to cry on so many times.

Our Rock and Our Example – I don’t know about the rest of the family, but for me she was my rock.  She was the person I looked to to give me strength, to find courage to carry on, to look at trials and diversity and find a way to grow from them.    She never let her challenges or her trials define her.  She stayed true to her faith, lived righteously and never questioned her testimony.  My mom had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  She loved the Gospel, she loved her Savior and she relied on him and her Heavenly Father through some tremendously tough challenges.  No matter the trial she always knew that her Heavenly Father was there.  For that I am grateful.  I’m grateful for the foundation in the gospel that my mother and father instilled in me.  I’m grateful that she made sure I went to church each week, that I saw her pay her tithing and saw her receive the blessings that come from it.  I’m grateful for my time with Mom.  Even though I am extremely jealous of the bonds that my brothers have together and all that they have.  I wouldn’t trade any of it for the time that I had with my mom.  I am going to miss her so much.   

Last week  when we knew things weren’t looking good and I knew that my days with Mom were few.  I was feeling particularly overwhelmed with sadness.  I walked out her back door and found myself walking along the back of the yard looking at her lilies and the words of a primary song came into my mind.  This song says it all for me.  I often go walking in meadows of clover and I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.  I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over, dear mother all flowers remind me of you.    Mom, whenever I look at my lilies or my roses my thoughts will be of you.  I love you!

This is a picture of my mom when she was younger.  My cowgirl mom!  I love this picture!

This week although I struggle to be grateful for anything I feel I need to be grateful because gratitude brings happiness and I want to be happy.  So this week I am grateful for my husband Paul, my daughter Morgan, my son Taylor, and for my Mom.  Without each of them I wouldn't be who I am today.  I love them all very much.  I'm also grateful for answered prayers.  Although I hurt, I'm grateful Heavenly Father listened and answered my humble prayers over the past two weeks.