Happy Chinese New Year

I know that Chinese New Year was on February 19th this year, but our favorite Chinese restaurant celebrated the holiday last night.  Celebrating Chinese new Year is something that our family has been doing for many years.  It's a fun night with good food and entertainment.  It's a chance for us to get together with friends and family and enjoy!

We have been blessed to make some really amazing friends at our favorite Chinese eating establishment and over the years they have become family to us.  We are greeted every visit with a warm hug and teasing just as you would with your own family.  Our Joy Luck family has become a very important part of our lives.  They have been with us through it all.

When we first started going to the celebration our party was small just the four of us, but over the years our numbers have grown and this year we had 13 people at our table.  If you've never been to a Chinese New Year celebration you should really try to go.  The dragon dancers are amazing.  This long dragon dances around the restaurant to the beating of a drum that in and of itself is an art.  The dragon dances and guests feed the dragon money and as the story was told to me  the dragon will bring you luck.

Sitting there at the table last night amid all the noise and confusion I found myself reflecting on years past,  who we have had at our table and the blessing that these people are in our lives.  I can not image what my life would be like without these amazing people.  I also felt the loss of not having Taylor at our table again this year.  He loved his Chinese food and he loved Chinese New Year. Every time we order his favorite dish I think of him.

Chinese New Year has been a tradition in our family and each time we celebrate a tradition I'm filled with sadness because it's just another reminder that someone is missing.  I love our traditions, but there are many times that I wish we didn't have so many.  I also think it would be nice to just not celebrate our old traditions and start new ones, but I can't do that either.  So many happy memories are tied to those traditions and maybe one day those happy memories will overshadow the sad ones that I feel now.  But until that day comes, I hope those around me can forgive my sudden burst of tears and the melancholy that overpowers me at times and remember that I am grateful for them and the traditions that they share with us.

I Got A Daughter, I Got A Daughter, I Got A Daughter, Hey Hey Hey Hey...

Today I am writing about my most amazing daughter.  I'm doing this for two reasons.  One I like to brag and 2 I think she's pretty amazing.  Tomorrow my baby girl turns 20 and if you would had told me when I was her age that I would have a daughter some day I would have told you you were nuts.  Every girl dreams of their happily every after.  But in my mind it didn't exist.  I didn't date much in high school and I always thought I'd be a spinster.  Lucky for me my happily ever after did come true and I married the most amazing man and together we created two amazing kids.

Morgan being born on Valentine's Day wasn't on accident.  She was two weeks late and now I know why.  This sweet girl knew that she had to be born on the day the  we celebrate love.  Because no one loves more than Morgan.  Morgan loves so many things.  And when she loves she loves with all her heart.

When Heavenly Father made my sweet Morgan he broke the mold.  She is exactly what this mother needed and Heavenly Father knew that.  He knew that through the trials and heartaches of life I was going to need a strong loving daughter to help me find my strength.  He knew I needed a strong spiritual daughter to help me see the light when I didn't think it was there.  He knew I needed a sassy, fierce daughter who would make me sing and dance and not take crap when it was be dealt to me.  He knew this and so many other things that I don't have time to write about.  He knows I'm going to need her to teach me all the things that I have yet to learn from her.

I have been blessed with the whole package when it comes to daughters.  She is so smart, and talented, gifted in so many ways it amazes me. I find myself thinking wow, what did I do to deserve such a wonderful person to call mine.

She has been through so much in her seemingly short time on this earth.  She has endured trials and tribulations that would cause many to crumble and give up. But through all these trials and I mean TRIALS.  She has stayed close to her Heavenly Father and clung to her testimony.  She has fought with every once in her to overcome the adversity and she continues to fight the darkness just like her father and I am.  She has learned to rely on her Savior and the love of her parents to help her and hasn't given up.

To describe Morgan would be like describing an M & M .  On the surface you will see a sassy, sarcastic, confident, beautiful, smart, talented, loving, fierce, loyal, spiritual, lady who seems to have it all together.  But break down that shell and you will see a  person who hurts so deeply and cares so much.  Someone who is full of compassion for the broken and down hearted.  Someone who carries around her burdens and trials with such grace and dignity.  Someone who on the surface seems dandy but underneath aches for a brother she lost too soon,  Someone who aches for the good times, the not a care in the world times.  To the naked eye you won't see this, but if you look closely you will see.  I'm grateful she lets me see and that she lets me try to comfort her when she hurts.  And I wish I could take the hurt away.  That I could turn back time to when life was bliss and we didn't have a care.  But alas that is not how this life works.  So as we deal with what we have to deal with, I will yell it from the roof tops how amazing my sweet daughter is and how blessed I feel to call her mine.

I love our girl time together, shopping, sitting on the couch watching the TV shows that makes her dad roll his eyes, jamming to music, laughing at silly things that only we understand.  I love having a daughter so amazingly mine!

There is a song by Tim McGraw entitle "My Little Girl"  I heard it yesterday and I realized that it says everything I've been feeling lately.  Here are the words.

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

You're beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say,  "I love you more!"

You're beautiful from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Life is short.  Don't stay mad at mistakes your kids will and are going to make, don't take for granted on minute that you have.  Love your kids with all you have.  Forgive them their faults.  Love them and let them know that they are loved.  I may have failed in a lot of areas raising my kids.  But the one thing I can say for certain is that my kids know that they are loved unconditionally and that they are my blessings from heaven.  I'm grateful for that closeness that we have as a family and I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world!

Happy Birthday Sweetie!  May your day be full of fun and happiness!  You deserve it.

Now let's break out some dancing music and dance like nobody is watching, go smack some softballs over the fence and CELEBRATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HaPpY BiRtHdAY!!!

Feelings - Oh Oh Oh Feelings

Isn't it great that we have feelings?  Think of how different life would be if we didn't have feelings.  That's what has been on my mind lately.  I'll be honest at times I wish I didn't have feelings.  I have this problem where I wear my heart on my sleeve as my mother would say and I have a really hard time hiding my emotions.  The inability to hide your emotions does you no good when your feelings are all over the map and you want the world to think things are good even when they aren't. Seriously, I think I could be the poster child for emotional dysfunction.    One minute I'm doing fine the next I'm bawling my eyes out.  Ten minutes later I'm in a panic attack and then I'm back to somewhat normal.( and for me normal is relative)  These events are what I call my emotional roller coaster. I've been on one of my emotional roller coasters now for quite some time and quite frankly I'm getting motion sickness.

But right now my emotional roller coaster has a new car on it and that is the overwhelming feelings of gratitude.  It has become quite evident to me in the last year and a half that even when everything is in the tanker and you feel like you just keep getting hit with stuff over and over again, the hand of our Heavenly Father is right there to show you the good stuff if you just open your eyes and look.

Since Christmas I have had so many people come up to me and say, well it's been over a year everything is OK now right?  Seriously, people actually say that and I remember people telling me once you get past the first of everything it's so much easier.  Take if from me, please don't ever tell someone who is grieving that everything should be better or will get better.  I know you mean well but when it doesn't happen like that you think something is wrong with you.  At least that is the case with me.  Things are not better.  If anything it's worse.  The first year you are numb.  It all doesn't seem real, then the numbness wears off and the reality sets in and smacks you right between the eyes.  This Christmas was worse for me than last Christmas and I know it was for Paul and Morgan too.  The hole is still there and sometimes it feels like alcohol has been poured on my torn heart and the pain is unbearable.  In those days it's easy to give in to the sorrow and the I'll never's.  It's easy to let all the stuff that gets dumped on you become so much more than it is.

That's what I have been going through lately and it seems like this is an ongoing issue for me.  I'm working so hard but sometimes it's just super hard.  On a particularly tough day I had one of my many duh moments when I think Heavenly Father smacks me on the back of the head.  As I was sitting there I realized how blessed I am.  I was filled with so much gratitude.  Even though I still felt sad and blue I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me.  At that moment I decided to think about all I was grateful for.  Here are a few from my list.  My family is healthy, We all love each other and get along.  We are working, We have a nice home to live in, We live in a beautiful neighborhood full of people who are so good and kind.  I have an amazing family who is always there for us.   I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.  I have a personal relationship with my Savior. I have a strong testimony that helps me everyday.  I have some really wonderful people in my life who even though I've become antisocial still text me and check in with me and don't care if I don't want to do anything they just want to be my friend.  I've got people who care enough about me and my family to pray for us.  But the biggest gratitude I have right now is that my family is ETERNAL and that even though it hurts and I have all those I'll never's, I know that my family will be together again and for that I am so very grateful. The other biggy on my list was I know that my Savior understands my emotional roller coaster.  I'm not in this alone.  My Savior and your Savior took upon himself all of it.  He gets it and because of him I don't feel so alone.  My list went on and each day since I have once again made it a point to find things to be grateful for.  It's easy to forget to be grateful and I know that my blog seems to be filled with me trying to be grateful but I have found that the only way out of the muck and the mire is to be GRATEFUL and if I continually blog about gratitude it might sink into my wee little brain and my blog can evolve.  But right now my healing process needs gratitude.

Self Confidence - I need some

It's been quite a few weeks since I last posted on my blog.  I could blame it on the holidays and how busy they are, or just on how busy life can get, but the real reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything of great worth to say.  I read blogs from others and find that my thoughts are random, I'm not eloquent with words and I get scared that what I'm thinking about doesn't come out right and those who read my blog will think I'm a loser.  So in a nutshell, I lack self confidence.  I always have.  I wish I could say that it gets better with age and experiences, but it doesn't.  I've been trying forever to build my self confidence, but alas it is still not that great.

I've always found it quite interesting as to how people get their self confidence.  Is it something you are born with or is it something you learn?  I teach primary in my LDS ward and it amazes me when I sit and watch these young children and even at their young tender age there are those who just radiate with confidence.  How did they get it?  I'm so jealous! :-)

I've often wondered exactly how we got our different talents and abilities.  I know that Heavenly Father has blessed each of us with unique talents and abilities and it is up to us to grow and develop those talents, but how did He decide who was to get what.  I always joke that there were lines in Heaven where we could get different character traits and talents and that I didn't have the patience to stand in line so I just got a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I thought shazam I'm ready to go when in all actuality I needed to show patience and wait in those lines and get the most out of all of the traits and talents that I could.  I'm pretty sure that isn't how it was, but it does make you think.

I started this blog as a way for me to put myself out there, to write about my feelings whatever they may be and to help me as I try to process all that life throws at me and my family but I haven't been brave enough to let my family and friends read this.  My daughter is the only one who knows about this blog.  She is my one follower.  She is the one who helped me get started and she and my hubby are the ones that I find I seek the most approval from.  I want to make them proud and I don't want to embarrass them.  (see there it is again my lack of self confidence.) I shouldn't worry about what others think.  I should be strong and brave and just throw all caution to the wind and go for it. I need to have faith that I am good enough,

So here it goes.  I'm putting this out there for all my harshest critics to read.  This is me folks.  So as you read my past posts (if you choose to) and my posts (if for nothing more than a good laugh at my inabilities) in the future, try to remember that I'm just a simple gal who is trying to do the best she can.  I don't have all the answers, I'm not clever, or witty, I'm not even a good writer.  All I know is that I am who I am.  I'm growing and learning and trying new things (like blogging) and hopefully along this journey I become a better more confident me.

I've had a lot to be grateful for in the last few weeks.  I survived the holidays (yeah me!), I've been blessed with amazing friends and family who went out of their way over the holidays to make sure that we were not alone.  I've had tender mercies from my Heavenly Father in abundance.  so even though life is hard and the journey is long.  I am blessed and grateful.

Here's to a new year and quite possibly maybe even a little bit of a new me.  Go TEAM!

Lost in the Darkness

I've been trying to come up with something profound to write about and since it's been a number of weeks since I posted to this blog, it's pretty obvious that nothing profound has happened.

The last few weeks have been filled with busy days and sleepless nights.  I'm either worrying about my mother's house and the list of things that need to be done in order to put it up for sale, or I'm worrying about my father-in-law and his recent illness and hospital stay.  Along with all of that the holidays are approaching and once again it's time to face a holiday without Taylor and now this year it's also a holiday without my mom.

This morning I woke up in a very dark place.  It's so hard to play the everything is OK game, and today everything just isn't OK.  I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm scared and that is just barely touching the surface.  I feel so out of control.  I feel like my life is just a series of days, weeks and months where I go through the motions and my motions aren't good enough.  My house which is usually clean and neat is just one big mess.  On the surface when you walk in my door everything looks in order, but take a walk down the hall or down the stairs and you will see the chaos that is my life.  There is so much stuff everywhere that I need to deal with that I just can't handle.  I go downstairs to start and it is just so overwhelming.  I can't focus.  Welcome to my life -  Life without focus.  Life in a mess!  That's my problem.I'm just one big mess and this morning it just hit the boiling over point.

I'm lucky enough to have great support.  I have my sweet Husband and my lovely daughter.  I know that they are there for me and that they understand.  Even when I don't even know if I understand.  I have the opportunity to work in the same building as my wonderful husband and today I walked in and asked him to help me off the ledge.  Through many tears and understanding hugs he was there.  He told me that I'm OK.  That what I am doing is good enough and that I'm not letting him or Morgan down.  He said I shouldn't worry about what others think because if they really knew me they would understand and it really doesn't matter to anyone else but us.  He understood my feelings and he didn't judge, he loved.  He understands our life.  He feels the same way I do.  He's just better at hiding it deep under the surface.  He feels as overwhelmed as I do.  Somehow hearing that made me feel a little better.  Sometimes when I look at him and Morgan they seem so put together like they have got this find a new normal down and it's working for them.  It's good to sometimes hear that the new normal is just as hard for them as it is for me.

I was also able to have a priesthood blessing, thanks once again to an amazing husband who honors his priesthood.  In that moment having the man that I love more than anything in this world use his priesthood to call upon our Heavenly Father to bless me with peace and comfort, I was filled with so much love and gratitude.  I know that this journey that I am on isn't going to be easy and that the dark days will continue to come.  But I'm so glad that I have my family and my loving Heavenly Father to help me off the ledge, out of the darkness and back to the light.

So today I started lost in the darkness and I knew that it was a place that Satan wanted me to get stuck in, but I didn't give into the darkness.  I prayed for strength and light to get me to work and then I was able to find more light from the darkness with my hubby and my Heavenly Father.  I'm still feeling down today, but the darkness hasn't got me lost anymore.  I know there is light and I'm working to keep reaching for it even in my darkest days.  I know that I can only find peace and comfort from the light of Christ and my Heavenly Father and from my beautiful family. His light will help me find that new normal and maybe even help me find a way to put order to my chaos.  And regarding the holidays, I guess I go back to where I was last year at this time and not try to eat the whole elephant. I'll try not to panic.  I will take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time until I can say, I SURVIVED!

Witches Night with the Ladies

It's October and that means a few things to most people.  First it's fall, the leaves are changing the air is crisp and I must say to me this time of year is heaven.  I took a ride up the canyon last week and as I was driving up I was so drawn to the colors and the thought came to mind.  When I get to Heaven, this will be my paradise.  There is something about all the fall colors that just make me feel warm and hugged.  When I think about it, it seems to me that Heavenly Father planned this time of year.  He wanted all of us to be warmed by the colors of fall to feel natures hug to us before the cold of winter comes.

Second it's Halloween and with Halloween comes Witches Night at Gardner Village.  For those of you who don't know what Witches Night is, let me paint you the picture.  Gardner Village is an old mill in West Jordan and around the mill they have brought in and restored old houses, buildings and barns that date back to the pioneer times.  In each of these building there are shops.  During the Halloween season Gardner Village decorates with lights and animated witches decked out in fun attire and doing all sorts of antics.  They are placed throughout the village.  On two weekends in October they host Witches Night.  During this time ladies and a few brave men dress up in witch costumes and walk around the village shopping and cackling.  There is also a DJ and fun music is heard from all over the village.  Basically it's a time for ladies to dress up, pretend and have fun.

Going to Witches Night has turned into a tradition for our family.  It's a time for Morgan and I to go and have fun with Paul's cousins and occasionally we can convince a friend to join us.  It's a time where Morgan and I can laugh and dance and act crazy (not that we don't normally act crazy, but here nobody stares at us like we are nut cases).  I look forward to this special day with Morgan.  Just like I do with Swiss Days in September.  These are special times for us.  Memory making times. This year Morgan wasn't able to go she had to work (being a responsible adult does have its drawbacks)  and I have to admit it just wasn't the same.  The music was still there.  There was still dancing and people dressed up in amazing costumes, but without Morgan the fun just wasn't as much fun.  I tried to let loose and have a good time, but I just couldn't.  I'd see something and turn to Morgan to tell her about it or share an experience with her and then realize, Duh she isn't here.  I tried to text her pictures but I knew that would just make the fact that she had to work that much more difficult so I stopped.  As I was walking around the village I had the realization that when Morgan goes away to school I'm really going to be alone.  Hopefully she will be able to tear herself away from all of the goings on of college and work and be able to come and spend witches night with me.  But the reality is, we never know where life will take us.  I love that Morgan is an adult, but I miss the days when she was younger and we could plan out life without worrying about work and school.  But such is life.  Sometimes you just have to face the reality that we have to grow up and sometimes we have to be alone.

This week I am grateful for FALL!  I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's color hug.  I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Morgan.  I'm grateful that we are close and enjoy spending time together.  I'm grateful she is mine!

I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!

Our group was small this year.  Becky, Lisa, Erica and Gerilee

Yummmm

Erica with some voodoo witches

Smoke and Mirrors

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend and it has hung with me for days.  I was having a conversation with someone who I haven't seen in over a year.  This person apologized for not sending a sympathy card or saying anything after Taylor died.  I told this person it was OK and thought we were good.  Then this person said you look like you've gotten over it.  I didn't even know how to respond.  I was so shocked, I just changed the subject like I do every time the conversation turns awkward or I'm hurt.  "Over it" you have got to be kidding me?  I'm not over it.  I've just figured out it's easier on everyone else if I put on the happy face and pretend I'm good. But under the surface it still hurts as much today as it did on the day he died.  I hurt, I ache, I cry, I scream, and I miss him!  My tank is still empty and these comments only made it hurt more.

I know I shouldn't take offense by the comments made by others who obviously have no clue what this is like, but I did.  It hurt.  It hurt to think that possibly others feel like I have gotten over losing Taylor. That I could just flip a switch and losing a part of me would stop hurting.  I know this person meant well and tact probably isn't their strong suit, but I still stings.

So for all of you out there who may possibly read this post, please remember that what you say can make a difference.  Please don't assume that just because I have a smile on my face or that I laugh or seem happy that there isn't hurt and ache because there is.   It's just not socially acceptable to be walking around with tear stained, red eyes and a sad disposition.  If  I did that no one would want to be around me.  So I do my magic trick and put up a shield of happiness to mask the sadness that is still there.  In fact that is what all three of us are doing.  We hurt, each and every day we hurt.  We cry, sometimes more than others but we cry and we feel.  We feel loss, we feel sadness and we feel lonely.  We just hide it behind our masks.

Also, please understand that we have triggers too.  We can be perfectly fine and then a song will come on the radio, a thought to our minds, or traveling and memories start flooding.  You remember happy times, or sad times.  Or you see something that reminds you of him and something he loved to do and the sadness creeps in.  Sometimes you feel guilty for being happy and the sadness creeps in.  When that happens please keep loving us.  Don't push away or get angry, understand that it's just the way our lives are now and hug us.  We are trying to suck it up and be brave, but sometimes the battle is just too hard and our shields come down.

This week I am grateful for the friends and family who understand my tears and who love me just the same.  I'm grateful that Morgan got home safe from her grand adventure.  I missed her more than I probably should have and having her home feels GOOD!  I'm grateful for my Savior who understands what I'm going through and loves me.